Welcome to NCDSUV's splenetic, embittered new weekly feature, Overdressed & Underclassed, which with each installment will dissect a different aspect of celebrity fashion with the enthusiasm and exactitude of a taxidermist suffering from the second clinical phase of rabies (caution: We have reached the contagious stage).
Perhaps it's the prospect of facing the rest of a remarkably long, brutally cold winter and yet another tacktastic awards season; alternatively, a totally unexpected wave of good vibes is washing over me from the political changes in the air. Either way, instead of the nip of bitter grog I generally crave to counteract the effects celebrity fashion has on my parietal lobe, I'm in the mood for something more nourishing, gratifying and sustaining to get me through the inevitable nip slips, butt cleavage and exhausting razzle dazzle the Oscars and the Grammys will inevitably lay at my feet.
So in celebration of celebrities who could (and can) dress themselves, here's a round-up of the vampiest, sassiest, stylishist femme icons who have ever scaled the screen.
8. Mary Tyler Moore The style she brought to the role of working girl Mary Richards in the '70s, both on and offstage, helped make every career gal feel a little bit freer to balance her limitless ambition with her still-potent urge to primp. She made it okay, even sexy, to want to beat down the door to the boy's club at work with a polite smile without breaking a sweat in her sassy separates, vintage hats and quirky peacoats. No other female worker bee, no matter how beloved (not even Carrie Bradshaw or Peggy Olson) will ever give me the same kind of post-feminist, unconflicted case of warm fuzzies. That's right folks. She can turn the world on with her smile... take a nothin' day and make it all worthwhile! Sorry.
7. Katherine Hepburn Like most trailblazers, Kate The Great's singular road created quite a diversion for outraged onlookers from the roaring '20s onward. In a time when most women did a two-step simper, Katherine stridently strolled. When most women squeezed into oxygen-depriving undergarments under too-tight tailored dresses, she luxuriated in baggy, but impeccably tailored men's style pants, flowing shirts and combat-style boots. Even in her dotage, she tooled around on a bike, sat with her feet up and her legs splayed, wore little make-up and unpressed, drably colored clothes that lack any sort of definite shape... and still looked every inch the elegant, sexy, exquisite feminine beauty. She was the original Urbane Tomboy.
6. Brigitte Bardot Brigitte is that rare creature who can balance oooozing Hustler sex appeal with a degree of pre-Raphaelite restraint that renders it sensual, not slutty, even if she is crawling around on the floor in her undies or dancing on top of a bar in a dress that would make Paris Hilton blush. She single-handedly popularized the bikini, the beehive 'do, the bee-stung pout and general '60s-era sexy naif gear of all stripes. Unfortunately, her joie de vivre and stylishness is now less notable than her right-of-Rush Limbaugh political views.
5. Joan Crawford Unlike Katherine, Joan represented the pinnacle of idealized feminine fashion in the '20s and '30's, with wasp-waisted tailoring, exaggerated shoulder pads and breakneck-speed martini-fueled diamond-studded satin, vampy, gauzy glamour. A perpetual engine of reinvention, she sailed through 45 years onscreen portraying whatever America wanted to see in her: rebellious but innocent flapper; working girl/society girl with a heart of gold; psycho bitch; camp queen. Joan's innate ability to seamlessly morph personas paved the way for the tough, ever-changing broads we all have a soft spot who came after. But Joan never appeared to be as calculating or cynical about her image changaroos as, say, Madonna or Britney Spears do.
While this release week may bring more anticipated and notable efforts like the Dan Deacon /Adventure split 12" and The Whore Moans' Hello From The Radio Wasteland!, we here at NCDSUV prefer to analyze more futile musical recordings.
Welcome back to Unnecessary Album Releases, a feature in which we highlight the week's most egregiously bizarre, dull and often unpleasant albums from the music industry's "left"er side of the dial. Behold the obscure, the most fantastically superfluous musical curiosas for the week of January 27, 2009.
6. The Guggenheim Grotto, Happy The Man If you prefer your music with a message and featured on poorly scripted family dramas about unwanted teen pregnancies and kids who can't live up to their parent's expectations (think One Tree Hill and Brothers And Sisters), then this second release by Dublin darlings, The Guggenheim Grotto, which teems with the mawkish smell of freshly disposed Kleenex, is sure to make even the unhappiest man happy, man.
5. The Toy Killers, The Unlistenable Years Every so often (let's call it chance), an album title comes along and practically guarantees an excruciating listening experience. Featuring an hour-long, monotonous cacophony of unbridled noise, unheard studio and live material from 1980-'84, The Unlistenable Years is, unbearably, just that.
While this release week may bring anticipated and more notable efforts like the triumphant Airing Of Grievances by Titus Andronicus or Andrew Bird's Noble Beast, we here at NCDSUV prefer to analyze more futile musical recordings.
Welcome back to Unnecessary Album Releases, a feature in which we highlight the week's most egregiously bizarre, dull and often unpleasant albums from the music industry's "left"er side of the dial.
Behold the obscure, the most fantastically superfluous musical curiosas for the week of January 20, 2009.
6. Combichrist, Today We Are All Demons While they assume a glut of dubiously, dizzying, dark descriptors like "Hellektro," Terror EBM" or "Harsh EBM," the electro/industrial rock by Norwegian sextet Combichrist, would have justifiably leave genre pioneers like Ministry with a wry discontent.
5. The Harvest Floor, Castle Decapitation This jarring juggernaut of relentlessly grinding blast beats features the ferociously horrifying vocals of Travis Ryan, who concocts something akin to Gollum from Lord Of The Rings and a demonic death rattle all hoped up on steroids. Enjoy.
While this release week may be delivering notable efforts like Andrew W.K.'s greatest hits/covers collection and the re-release of The Lemonheads' It's A Shame About Ray on vinyl, we here at NCDSUV prefer to analyze more futile musical recordings. Welcome back to Unnecessary Album Releases, a feature in which we highlight the week's most egregiously bizarre, dull and often unpleasant albums from the music industry's "left"er side of the dial. Behold the obscure, the most fantastically superfluous musical curiosas for the week of January 13, 2009
7. Saxon, Into The Labyrinth These dinosaurs of British metal have been at for more than 30 years, ensconcing the headbanging world with well over 25 releases. But while their copious output illustrates a seemingly august career, Into The Labyrinth's first single, "Live to Rock," glaringly nods (and that's being nice) at AC/DC's anthem, "For Those About To Rock (We Salute You)."
6. Late Of The Pier, Fantasy Black Channel While it may have seemed like a good idea, this genre-bending debut from the U.K.'s Late Of The Pier, brimming with a hybrid of power chord-driven electro-punk, painfully resembles last year's obnoxious, release by Does It Offend You, Yeah? Which of course renders Fantasy Black Channel's glaringly disconnected tracks perfect for the gyrating hipster pining for mindless, sweaty, cockney tunes.
5. El Goodo, Coyote Phil Spector's celebrated "wall of sound," made famous for its lush textures, sunny harmonies and ringing Rickenbackers, paved the way for cult-fave power-pop bands like Big Star. Unfortunately, the Big Star reference in El Goodo's name is as close as these droning, stodgy sons of Resolven, Wales are going to get to "September Gurls." (In that respect, we figured you'd enjoy the below of Big Star performing "El Goodo" more than a track by the band themselves.)
It may only be the first official week of the inaugural year, but the fruitless hits keep on comin'! Welcome back to Unnecessary Album Releases, an NCDSUV feature in which we highlight the week's most egregiously bizarre, dull and often unpleasant albums from the music industry's "left"er side of the dial. Behold the obscure, the most fantastically superfluous musical curiosas for the week of January 6, 2009
6. The Mongoloids, Assorted Music With a moniker that brings to mind indigenous peoples of Asia or chromosomal abnormality, The Mongoloids' Assorted Music is perfect for two-fisted vegans and New York Hardcore leftovers still pining for the days of Sheer Terror.
5. The Newleydeads, Dreams From A Dirt Nap This "greatest hits" collection by Goth/Industrial rockers The Newleydeads, featuring members of Faster Pussycat, is the ideal model for those who missed the cultural gap between early Marilyn Manson and the widely overstated ballyhoo that is director Rob Zombie's horror films.
Had your full of toothsome glazed meats oozing with holiday mirth? Is your skull still echoing from a blizzard of Christmastime music? Then welcome back to Unnecessary Album Releases, an NCDSUV feature in which we highlight the week's most egregiously bizarre, dull and often unpleasant albums from the music industry's "left"er side of the dial. Behold the obscure, the most fantastically superfluous musical curiosas for the week of December 30, 2008.
6. Return To Forever, Romantic Warrior This week, jazz-rock savant and card-carrying Scientologist Chick Corea and Return To Forever re-release the 1976 progressive rock/jazz record Romantic Warrior, made famous for its technically rigorous playing and gold-charting status. Yet despite those accolades, we can't help but think that Romantic Warrior should return its dank, medieval, circus jazz-rock to forever they came from. (Eh?)
5. üNN, Exit Have a deep penchant for droning, ordinary ambience backed-up by a deathless dime-store techno-beat this coming new year? Then look no further; similar to the drip of intravenous therapy, üNN's Exit is the perfect resolve.
4. Alice In Videoland, She's A Machine There's nothing subtle on the third release from electro-punk outfit Alice In Videoland. On She's A Machine, this Swedish quartet builds upon early '80s new-wave disco à la synthpop acts like OMD and Alphaville, with a newfangled electro-punk rock swirl. But while the stomping aggrepo is a throwback to pioneers like Nitzer Ebb, the feigned vocals of vocalist Toril Lindqvist remind us of the squawking absurdity on Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl." "This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S."
Welcome back to Unnecessary Album Releases, an NCDSUV feature in which we highlight the week's most egregiously bizarre, dull and often unpleasant albums from the music industry's "left"er side of the dial.
Behold the obscure, the most fantastically superfluous musical curiosas for the week of December 23, 2008, just in time for the holiday edition! 5. Stephanie A. Smith, Not Afraid We never thought we'd say this, but can we hear more Pink please? On Smith's debut, she mawkishly wangles bad love songs, supercharged with enough contrived rock/pop, um, hooks, to hold her audience of Kelly Clarkson spillovers captive.
4. Leng T'che & Fuck the Facts, Split What's better than having a metal grindcore band tear into your cochlea? Well, two grindcore bands of course. This split 7-inch from Canada's Fuck The Facts and the Belgium-based Leng T'che is perfect for those who prefer their brand of raw and abrasive metal violently regurgitated.
Welcome back to Unnecessary Album Releases, an NCDSUV feature where we highlight the week's most bizarre, dull and often unpleasant albums from the music industry's "left"er side of the dial. Behold the most fantastically superfluous musical curiosas for the week of December 16, 2008.
6. Electric Wizard, Let Us Prey Doom rockers space out on re-issue These doom/stoner metal makers have been at it since 1993, and this week, are apparently re-releasing what seems to be their entire catalog. But it's the would-be-cleverly titled Let Us Prey that caught our eye. This sludgy, aggressive record is the perfect for those who missed the stoner-rock boat when it was named KYUSS.
5. Mr. Children, Supermarket Fantasy J-Pop superstars realize fetish on new effort What's creepier than naming your band Mr. Children? Naming your 12th studio release Supermarket Fancy and adorning the cover art with two lovers embraced amidst an orbit of groceries. In all fairness to arguably the most successful Japanese pop act, it just might be that the title looses something in its translation, right?
Beginning today, NCDSUV will broadcast a weekly feature known as Unnecessary Album Releases Of The Week, highlighting the week's most egregiously bizarre, dull and often unpleasant albums from the music industry's "left"er side of the dial.
So, from the shrills of pop to the bass-driven rhythms and rhyme of hip-hop, to studious indie rockers and the guttural belly of death metal shockers (not to mention dance, trance and fancy pants), we'll exhume the most fantastically superfluous musical curiosas for the week of December 9, 2008.
7. GG Allin, Freaks, Faggots, Drunks & Junkies Shit-eater resurfaces Though Allin has an immense catalog of music, he was probably best known for performing naked, while rolling around, eating his own excrement. His abrasive and largely vulgar punk rock spent much of its lifespan holding court in the nether regions of punk's nowhere Ville, making you wonder why anyone would itch for a reissue that includes the gem "Suck My Ass It Smells."
6. Magica, Wolves And Witches Dio finally inspires Symphonic power/gothic metal quintet Magica (yes that's their real name) formed in Romania in 2002 and have waxed tacky, cringe-worthy, absolutely gratuitous music since. The quintet, led by the grating vocals of Ana Mladinovici, is perfect for those mythic role-playing gamers who woefully pine for the Scorpions or Helloween.
5. Jimmy Buffett, License To Chill Mr. Puka-shell is laid back, with his money on his mind It's pretty tough to imagine that, after writing such ditties as "Cheeseburger in Paradise" and "Margaritaville," the Hawaiian shirt-wearing Jimmy Buffett maintained anything resembling a career. On License To Chill, he embraces old-school country songsters like Hank Williams with a little help from new school twangsters. But, oddly enough, the re-released and embarrassingly titled record (OK, not so oddly, as the record was the biggest-selling in Buffet's three-decade-long career), resurfaces just in time to unleash that holiday party animal in your parents.
