Posted at 2:21 PM Jan 30, 2009
By Andy Beckerman
As that gleaming behemoth Hollywood slouches towards irrelevance, the winds of change must begin to blow in from somewhere. And where better than the so-called blogosphere? Like the polit-o-blog revolution, the great pitches of tomorrow ain't going to flow from the bloated butthole of some Hollywood hack, but rather from the proletariat. So welcome to NCDSUV's newest feature,
The Slow Pitch, where we play a little game of would-be screenwriter wish-fulfillment. And viva la revolución!
Gentlemints, today I have an idea for you that's so funbelievable, that's so fuckcredible that you'll be shitting your brains for a millennium. Now, this being tax season and all, I've been having my CPA look over the books. Here's the thing: Did you know that after you ignore all the creative accounting, the only flicks that made bank last year were all those Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer joints? You know, [Blank] Movie, and you can fill in the blank with whatever:
Disaster Movie, Epic Movie, Date Movie, Meet The Spartans,
uh,
Movie. And so on.
When I got the news from the number freak, I flipped my lid collection. But right as I was about to pass out, an idea so monumental came to me that it can only be the product of divine intervention. Or a combination of orgasm and a lack of oxygen. But, you know, either or. And that idea is:
Categories: Movies, The Slow Pitch, Weekly Features
Tags: Charlie Kaufman, Christopher Nolan, Dark Knight, Date Movie, Disaster Movie, Epic Movie, Madoff, Meet The Spartans, Pineapple Express
Posted at 2:13 PM Jan 23, 2009
By Andy BeckermanAs that gleaming behemoth Hollywood slouches towards irrelevance, the winds of change must begin to blow in from somewhere. And where better than the so-called blogosphere? Like the polit-o-blog revolution, the great pitches of tomorrow ain't going to flow from the bloated butthole of some Hollywood hack, but rather from the proletariat! So welcome to NCDSUV's newest feature,
The Slow Pitch, where we play a little game of would-be screenwriter wish-fulfillment. And viva la revolución!
Wakey, wakey, time to makey some kwan, you slugabeds. Yeah, I dunno what that word means either, but my mistress got me one of those vocab calendars and I glanced at it before tossing it in the incinerator. Anyway, I got an idea for you that not just going to fill our coffer's to the overflow. Yeah, like Uncle Scrooge's money bin in
Duck Tales. But it's also going to revolutionize movies. Wait, I mean money. It'll revolutionize money. Who gives a shit about movies?
So, I've noticed that show with Donny's son (yeah, Donald Sutherland... Christ, keep up) is getting a lot of column inches lately. Keifer! Ha!
Keifer Sutherland! How much pot do you think D.S. smoked before thinking that one up. I remember on the set of
S*P*Y*S, him and Elliott Gould used to huff gas just to stay interested in the film. Wait, maybe that was just what I did last week when I was trying to watch it. What a piece of shit.
Where was I? Right.
24.
Posted at 1:54 PM Jan 16, 2009
By Kenny Herzog
As that gleaming behemoth Hollywood slouches towards irrelevance, the winds of change must begin to blow in from somewhere. And where better than the so-called blogosphere? Like the polit-o-blog revolution, the great pitches of tomorrow ain't going to flow from the bloated butthole of some Hollywood hack, but rather from the proletariat! So welcome to NCDSUV's newest feature,
The Slow Pitch, which will interrupt your normally scheduled
Sucks programming every Friday to play a little game of would-be screenwriter wish-fulfillment. Viva la revolución!
This week, I am going to make you freaks so much money that the concept of cost won't even make sense anymore. Now I know your ganglions are whispering inside, "How am I going to make that moolah materialize on your ledgers?" Two words:
Bride Wars. Yeah, Anne Hathaway and, uh, the blonde. The one who used to be married to that living Giacometti statue from The Black Crowes. Kate Hudson. Yeah, her. With their latest film, those two opened a door to a void at the very center of humanity. A void that represents the negative end of the existence spectrum. And ladies and gentlemen, we are going to fuck that void in its black hole until it comes molten gold.
Posted at 2:00 PM Jan 09, 2009
By Andy Beckerman
As that gleaming behemoth Hollywood slouches towards irrelevance, the winds of change must begin to blow in from somewhere. And where better than the so-called blogosphere? Like the polit-o-blog revolution, the great pitches of tomorrow ain't going to flow from the bloated butthole of some Hollywood hack, but rather from the proletariat! So welcome to NCDSUV's newest feature, The Slow Pitch, where we play a little game of would-be screenwriter wish-fulfillment, and viva la revolución!
Ladies and gentlemen, the
Die Hard formula is a mathematical algorithm that goes back to the Greeks: Input a lone hero against a terrorist throng and output a golden colon of cash, the likes of which hasn't been seen since the days of idol worship. Just ask Homer. That blind bitch minted himself a fucking license to coin drachmas when he wrote
The Odyssey. And now we too can get in on that action. Again. For the fifth time. In this series. Yippie-ki-yay, etc.
Now, let me say this straight: Just like the
Harry Potter series (and fuck, that J.K. Rowling minted herself a machine that makes diamond dildos with that fucking franchise, although don't confuse that with David Bowie), the good
Die Hards are the odd-numbered ones. And why are they good? The Gruber brothers: Simon and Hans. Hans, goddamn, that was Alan Rickman. That fucker plays Snap or Snip or whatever his name is in the
HP franchise. Small world ain't it?
Categories: Movies, The Slow Pitch, Weekly Features
Tags: Alan Rickman, Bruce Willis, David Bowie, Die Hard, Harry Potter, Hitler, Holocaust, J.K. Rowling, John McClane, Shia LaBeouf
