Ashlee Simpson Discovers Discrimination

Posted at 10:14 AM Jan 28, 2009

By Kenny Herzog



Proving that she's not as literally ill-equipped for public discourse as her sister, Pete Wentz' baby mama, Ashlee Simpson, has nonetheless displayed an impressively substance-less intellect regarding the ills of cultural prejudice and tabloid shaming.

After the blogosphere understandably recoiled with horrified curiosity at pics of Jessica Simpson resembling a middle-age metastasized version of her normal figure, lil' sis shot back with the groundbreaking rhetorical inquiry, "Since when did a woman's weight become newsworthy?"

Despite presumed muffled-cough interruptions from Jennifer Love Hewitt, Ann Wilson, Kirstie Alley and the late corpose of Luther Vandross, the recent mother (apparently having missed months of boilerplate commentary on weight-obsession in Hollywood while training a swat team of stay-at-home nannies) went on to add that it's "embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman's weight or figure as a headline on FOX News." And even expressed concern that the scorn surrounding her sister's fried-chicken chic would undermine the post-Obama "feeling of hope in the air for our country."

Spoken like a truly out-of-touch celebrity with no conception of that fact that a vast majority of Americans are actually, contrary to herself and Jessica, struggling with issues much greater than cholestorol counting. Such as, oh, I don't know being unemployed and about 27 million dollars less comfortable than the Simpson brood.
 

Brad And Angelina's Kids Exposed!

Posted at 6:05 PM Jan 27, 2009

By Kenny Herzog



I haven't seen this much fervor over the glimpse of a newborn baby since Jesus emerged from a pile of divine afterbirth. But alas, the regally christened Knox and Vivienne, kin of ones Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, have surpassed the fascination with Suri Cruise and become a point of obsession for paparazzi and pop-culture obsessives.

And finally, the little tots were unleashed before the salivating lenses of crafty cameramen.

You can view the pics here. Some folks are saying they're adorable. I personally don't get suckered into the ideology of infant adorableness by default. You gotta work for my kiddie kudos. Or at least develop into a toddler without regressing into something akin to, well, the father himself toward the conclusion of Benjamin Button.

Give It A Breast, Lady: The 10 Least Arousing Celebrity Boobs

Posted at 9:00 AM Jan 15, 2009

By Kenny Herzog

Even amidst semi-legitimate websites and all-inclusive gossip blogs, one thing has remained resoundingly clear about the Internet: It was designed for the proliferation of booby pictures. OK, and maybe an occasional facial (NSFW) or finger fuck. But the "candid" celebrity shot and red-carpet nip slips that fill out headlines like implants in a waterbra have truly captured our cultural zeitgeist. Although the tried-and-true movie-still compilers, like Mr. Skin, still possess a necessary function for cyber-pervs the world over.

However, like a record-label A & R rep indiscriminately scouring MySpace for hot acts, the wider the net is cast, the more likely you're gonna catch a few stinkers you'd rather throw back in the ocean.

So for reasons no less superficial than these images' original publication, and if anything, to take the piss out of folks dangled on high as the beautiful ones, we present the 10 least arousing nude celebrity boobs (10, of course, as in five pairs of two). And in the interest of being an equal-opportunity sexist, we may even produce a sequel to this feature that reappropriates its, ehem, titular meaning and breaks down the most orgasm-killing male Hollywood mimbos. And suffice to say, virtually every link from here on out is NSFW, meaning we expect a hearty boost in page views between the hours of 6 p.m. and midnight.

10. & 9. Victoria Beckham, aka Posh Spice


It's hard to say which one of Posh's not-so-perky perforations deserves more of a honest, cups-off assessment, number nine or 10. Oh, heck, we'll call it a wash. But the bottom line is, for all her preening around in the newest haute coutoure, push-up-undergarment abuse and implicitly demeaning infrared glances at the rest of Earth's female populus, we wouldn't want to hop in the shower and soap up those plump-yet-shapeless post-pregnancy glands.


8. & 7. Teri Hatcher


Memo to Seinfeld's fact-checkers (and yes, we are contractually obligated to incorporate a Seinfeld reference in every other post): They might be real, but they're not exactly spectacular. When the would-be glamorous Desperate Housewives queen bitch bared all in cheapo flick The Cool Surface, someone should have ordered some hot maple syrup, because those babies are what those in the know refer to as pancake boobs.   



  

Read more Give It A Breast,... >>

In Case You Missed It: Whitney Port's Boobs

Posted at 9:52 AM Jan 13, 2009

By Kenny Herzog



Hey, listen. Once in a while this site has to live up to elements of its URL. Especially if it can secretly suck you in and divert your attention to awesome Golden Globe fashion wrap-ups like this one.

But OK, if you won't stop your clamoring for candidly nekkid images of your favorite reality television stars, I suppose we can suffice. Hell, it's not like a little thing called ethical standards have stopped us before. And who can say no to a little accidental, bikini-exposed side titty (NSFW), courtesy of Whitney Port, start of MTV's The Hills spinoff, The City? (See how that whole delayed rhyme thing worked there and made us feel less silly about using the word titty?)

First Audrina Patridge, now Whitney... Lauren Conrad better watch her ass, and boobs and vajayjay, because the stalkerazzi lenses no doubt have their sights set on the queen bee next.

Amy Winehouse Swears Off Drugs, Fielder-Civil

Posted at 1:15 PM Jan 12, 2009

By Kenny Herzog

Sheridan And Spade: Hey, It's Better Than Bolton

Posted at 11:20 AM Jan 07, 2009

By Kenny Herzog


Since the fine folks at TMZ have nothing better to do than spy on mismatched celebrities canoodling together, and since NCDSUV has everything better to do than play voyeur on their findings but opts for lethargy, we thought we'd put in our two cents about Nicollette Sheridan and David Spade. You see, apparently, the puzzling pair were spotted dining last night, after allegedly hooking up back in November, which of course came in the wake of Sheridan ditching adult-contempo super-stud Michael Bolton.

Now, do us a favor and read that again. Michael. Bolton. Being that mystified as to why she'd make the supposed step down from Mr. Sensitive to Mr. Sarcastic would be like feigning utter shock at Sheridan leaving a relationship with Kenny G for recent Awesome Celebrity Birthday honoree Kenny Loggins. Or in other words, it's a relatively lateral move.

Speaking of which, you seen this Desperate Housewife's lats lately? Daaaaamn! Someone's trying to make sure she comes out on the right side of the PR battle of her breakup.

The Lohan Truce, Bristol Baby Juice And Matt Dillon Cuttin' Loose: The Top 5 Things We Learned This Week

Posted at 2:58 PM Jan 02, 2009

By Kenny Herzog



Ah, the innocent days of 2008. When recession, war and high-profile celebrity deaths became the glue to bond us together like societal Siamese siblings. But now it's 2009, a whole new era, a whole new ballgame. And not just for Washington, who will call Barack Obama their overlord, or the New York Yankees, who will take the field with C.C. Sabathia and Mark Texeira and still manage to lose the pennant to smaller-budgeted organizations.

It is the final stand for celebrity land in a decade that has alternately enthralled and repulsed us. It is a time for Hollywood to make its mark on culture and the planet at large, and really give 'em the good stuff we all cream for in the tabloids.

And we got off to an intermittently intriguing start, thanks largely to the birth of what could have been the First Granddaughter-in-waiting, and a certain wayward actress' parent who may love his share of his daughter's spotlight more than the woman herself. So without any pregnant pauses, here's the top 5 things NCDSUV learned this week.

5. If you're as fortunate to be bedding Jessica Alba as mediocre-looking random-guy Cash Warren, you'd steer clear of any paparazzi fisticuffs too. Ya big pussy.

4. Paul McCartney may have had to navigate Heather Mills' body sexually despite her prosthetic leg, but at least he didn't have to stick around till midnight to ritualistically spray-tan the thing.

Read more The Lohan Truce,... >>

Jessica Alba's Husband Wusses Out Of Paparazzi Fight

Posted at 2:10 PM Dec 30, 2008

By Kenny Herzog



Always ones to make their own news by inciting celebrity tempers, or reporting on it when fellow paparazzi prod and needle the beautiful people, TMZ caught Jessica Alba's hubbie, Cash Warren, getting feisty with a cameraman the other night.

You see, the pap's car bumped into Warren's, so the emasculated spouse-of-someone-more-famous-than-him got out of his car to be all, "Hey dick, don't you see by the quality of my man-scarf that I mean serious business when it comes to fender benders?" But then when Warren tried to do the tried-and-true "muss up your equipment" girly-fight move, the photog scuffled back, and Warren wisely retreated to his SUV.

Granted, TMZ and their kin are a bit like a schoolyard bully who starts a fight just so he has something to tattle to the teacher about. But what is it with mega-hot female celebs (Alba, Christina Aguilera, et al) getting hitched to schlebby dudes with crappy beards? Or more to the point, if that's their pattern, than where's my high-profile sugar mamma?

Winehouse's Mammory Loss, A 'Charm School' Facial And A Breathless Michael Jackson: The Top 5 Things We Learned This Week

Posted at 3:38 PM Dec 26, 2008

By Kenny Herzog



While the rest of you lazy schlubs were spending the holiday week glugging down eggnog and making sexy eyes at that random third cousin whose bloodline connection feels tenuous at best, NCDSUV was still soaking in the pop culture rays.

Humorously enough, however, there was a conspicuous paucity of tabloid-friendly stories breaking over the last several days. This could lean one to hypothetsize that much of the entertainment world's daily headlines harbor hazy significance at best and are generated so the blogosphere merely has an excuse to catalyze conversation and ramp up page views.

But, of course, we're not that cynical. We are, however, newly educated on everything from Michael Jackson's supposedly deteriorating lung to Amy Winehouse's most certainly replenished bosom. Here are the top five things we learned for this final full week of 2008, in a very much specific order.

5. Despite our very keen eye for newly portly former sex symbols, Kathleen Turner's massive tumble into terrifyingly negative sex appeal slipped through a canyon-sized crack. She might portray a dog trainer in Marley & Me, but it appears her personal workout coach really screwed the pooch.

4. Just when we thought we were out....  Actually, it's Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt who are out... (wait for it, wait for it) of their minds! And in and out of matrimony, as they teased us with yet another wedding-related ratings booster on The  Hills, only to hold off on an official ceremony as a presumed cocktease for their inevitable spinoff show. Hey, it's not like marriage has been a particularly sanctified concept in recent decades anyway, so these two nutballs may as well shit all over it to advance their careers.

Read more Winehouse's Mammory... >>

Amy Winehouse Naked... Ewww

Posted at 1:11 PM Dec 22, 2008

By Kenny Herzog



Actually, heroin-hottie Amy Winehouse doesn't look all that bad in these paparazzi pics (NSFW, in more ways than one) of her sunbathing topless in the Caribbean. Which has sparked more conversation than the actual nudity itself. Besides, we've all seen enough pictures of her in her underwear roaming helplessly around London streets by now.

However, just two throw my two cents in about her pair of public-peeking mammories, I do have to confess: They were a lot less, er, skeletal looking than I would have imagined. Although it's mostly a shock to see her wet hair matted down sans retro extension. Of course, given that she was still adorned in a bikini bottom, so no telling if the bush matches the beehive.

OK, that deserved as much of an ewww as the news of the leaked pics themselves, but it was sort of begging for it.