Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw Heather Graham and William Baldwin battling to the death over dwindling paper route territory, today the Cable Guide helps bring the mundane preoccupations of reality dating-competitions to the big screen.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw poor Michael Caine getting pushed around because of his less-than-desirable liquor-shelving feng shui, today we see a metaphor for the tension surrounding the failing newspaper industry acted out on the rough streets of suburbia.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while Friday saw Tony Danza and Mercedes Ruehl making swimming sexily with the fishes, today Michael Caine gets some Misery-style treatment because of his feng shui preferences.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw the title of a Chris Farley vehicle taken may a teeny bit too literally, today we get down and dirty amidst some fish guts with the ever-sexy Mercedes Ruehl and Tony Danza.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw a less-than-memorable John Waters flick transformed into something a bit weird, even for him, today the cable guide treats us to livestock anthromorphised with the features of Chris Farley.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw Anthony Hopkins improbably embody the role of a speed-freak biker dude, today we head into decidedly weirder Waters.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw that dastardly Info-Bar try and lure us into its Poltergeist-like underworld via innocent patsy The Rock & Roll Kid, today the Cable Guide cribs a page from Cypress Hill and asks, "Do you want to get high?"
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw Top Gun rocked into the rarified air of intellectually complex cinema, today we blindly follow the Info-Bar wherever it tells us to go, because we are mindless automotons enslaved by the hypnotic glare of our television.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw Glenn Danzing and Mark Harmon make sweet, sweet poetry, today the Info-Bar takes flight with a young Tom Cruise.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday weirdly saw the second Info-Bar appearance for Trading Places glutton Don Ameche, today the cable guide brings together the previously incongruous worlds of Mark Harmon and Glenn Danzig.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday's Info-Bar muckup somehow turned Barton Fink into a more surreal misadventure than it already was, today things get tawdry with an early precedent for the suggestion of Satan's sexual duality made prominent decades later in the South Park movie.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw Aracnophobia get reimagined as the tale of eight-legged creatures used as currency for farm mortgage so they can be sacrificed for a good harvest, today the Info-Bar gives us a serious literary workout, courtesy of the Coen Brothers, John Turturro (and John Goodman, in his second consecutive HCIBDOTD appearance).
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while Friday saw Child's Play 2 get reimagined as Chucky's enraged response to the marketing of his My Buddy-reminiscent doll, today the Info-Bar reinvents the contemporary methods of how home mortgages are financed.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw late-night HBO boob-festThe Beach Girls re-imagined as a fat-camp docudrama, today the Info-Bar devilishly delivers us to the lackluster sequel of an inexplicably appealing horror classic.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw a Japanese, Dirty Dozen-style violent drama transformed into a male-bonding weepy, today we visit a would-be classic of straight-to-HBO worthy, late-night boob-bouncing nostalgia.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw High Fidelity re-envisioned as the tale of a man who can finally start living after recovering from a bizarre psychological condition, today the Info-Bar transforms a hitman-style thriller into a tour of male bonding.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw Who Framed Roger Rabbit recast as the titular character's attempt to rap his way back into Jessica's heart, today we follow our devilish remote control to a movie that, in the hands of the Cable Info-Bar, has evolved from poignant human drama to Charlie Kaufman-worthy metaphysical storytelling.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while Friday had Edward Scissorhands leaving a suburban town in stitches, today the cable-guide turns an Oscar-accruing animated classic into a Breakin'-inspired tale for the hip-hop generation.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while the previous entrant into the Cable Info-Bar pantheon was the suddenly somber documentary Borat, today we travel back in time to one of Johnny Depp's most memorable early roles. And no, we're not talking about his thankless offing as Heather Langenkamp's boyfriend in Nightmare On Elm Street.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw D.B. Sweeney and John C. McGinley finding the fountain of youth in an Eddie Money pit, today the cable bar manages to contort a subversive comedy for the ages into a soberly investigative piece of cinema.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday reimagined a Ben Stiller updating of The Heartbreak Kid as a tale of kismet assholes falling in fated love, today we take a fantastical roadtrip to the fountain of youth with a couple of B-level leading men.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while Friday saw a creepy stalker thriller get reimagined into Heather Graham's journey of personal redemption, today we clicked around until we stumbled upon a rather flippant summation of a rather half-assed remake of a kind-of awesome comedy.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw River's Edge transformed into a one-act stoner response to Stand By Me, today we go to a mystical, magnificent stop on the Info-Bar express where Hope really does float.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw Dazed And Confused get reduced to a pedestrian slacker-stoner piece of teen celluloid, today the cable guide manages to likewise diffuse the complexity and originality of underrated and disturbing '80s teen-flick-of-sorts.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday invited us inside the whimsical tale of a talking dog with discerning taste in footwear, today we watch in abject horror as one of the '90s most significant American films gets disgraced as another tale of teens living a life in waste.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw a Texas Chainsaw Massacre sequel-cum-prequel get reimagined as a friendly reunion between pen pals, today we let the remote take us to the higher reaches of the Showtime network, and lets us decide what's a lower life form: talking dogs or the talk-show hosts who star in straight-to-videos movies about them.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while Friday saw a fantastical remote-control journey to a time when Tom Cruise was more occupied with predestined, unicorn-saving fate than postpartum critique, today we gather around the fireplace for the warm and fuzzy tale of geographically separated kindred spirits meeting up for a hot meal and some cold, dead bodies.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw a Skinemax-level porn (aired, however, on overlooked B-nudity rival TMCX) reimagined as a sensitive tale of buxom women in search for true love and companionship, today we let the remote control take us on a magical fantasy cruise. Tom Cruise that is.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday sawWeekend At Bernie's get re-imagined as House Party-meets-Trading Places, today we take a long overdue soul-journ into the soft, sensitive curves of late-night cable porn.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
We're sorry. We've been a bad pop-culture blog. It's been a good couple of months since we've annotated some of the month's finest missteps in cable-guide copywriting. But now that the fall TV season is over, and shows like Pushing Daisies will indeed be doing just that, we figured the time was right to compile the autumnal period's five finest, most fabulously botched Info-Bar blunders and misleading film descriptions. And boy, would this five-set make for one confusing week of primetime network programming.
5.Poetic Justice The Actual Story: Tupac Shakur and one of his pals take Janet Jackson and one of her girlfriends up California in his mail truck, and Pac and Janet get over their sitcom-y differences and find sweet, sweet, nasty love. Janet-style love, if you're nasty that is. Cable-Info Bar Synopsis: "Mail truck takes mismatched couple from L.A. to Oakland." What Their Description Would Have You Believe: That Justice is a Herbie The Love Bug-esque tween-oriented adaptation of a little seen kids cartoon in which a personified mail truck serves as both chauffeur and liaison of romance for its inhabitants. And then watches them fuck.
4. The Gauntlet The Actual Story: Playing perfectly along with type (according to a stock character he helped reshape the mold for), Eastwood is a down-and-out cop who rediscovers his law-abiding, badguy-bashing gusto after being assigned to protect a hooker from the mafia en route to her testimony in an important trial. Cable-Info Bar Synopsis: "Odds are against detective and prostitute." What Their Description Would Have You Believe: While they've made a formidable tag team in the past, Las Vegas bet makers are skeptical the previously undefeated pairing of Shockley and Mally can continue their title reign against the up-and-coming combination of Hawk and Animal, aka The Road Warriors (aka The Legion Of Doom).
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw an already bizarre-o Andy Kaufman flick get re-imagined as a brutal tale of parental neglect, today, we exchange Cable Guide gaffes with one of NCDSUV's favorite sparring partners, Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw a romantic comedy that had us all running into the safe embrace of Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks, regardless of what the Info-Bar could do to manipulate and redeem it, today we let our remote travel to a very, very, very strange land. One perhaps more ideally suited for Films From The Cable Afterlife.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw an early Brad Pitt teen-slasher flick get reimagined as the tale of an introspective teen with a broken heart who can't compete with a magnetic murderer, today we get mis-Guided toward a deplorable romantic comedy, the fate of which is left rather thinly veiled by our friendly Info-Bar bastions.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw Kindergarten Cop get morphed into a bizarre crossover vehicle for Arnold Schwarzenegger and Paul Reubens, today we let the remote beam us up to a 1989 teen-horror debacle starring, uh, Brad Pitt and Donovan's kid?
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw the late Paul Newman's memory body slammed by a WWE-related mix-up, today we welcome another muscle-bound thespian into the Info-Bar Pantheon. And our hearts.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while Friday saw the day's Info-Bar copywriter get a bit too far out on the flippety flop while coming up with a neat-a-riffic summary of the Walter Matthau/Meg Ryan laugh riot I.Q. (not to be confused with Mark Ruffalo/Meg Ryan laugh riot In The Cut, today the remote rotates its gaze to the nadir of Tim Curry's career (and that's counting Home Alone 2).
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while Wednesday saw a Martin Scorsese cult classic get morphed into a bizarre-o Jim Henson urban fantasy-nightmare, today we lighten up a bit, with the (literal) genius of Walter Matthau as Albert Einstein.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw John Landis running amok throughout Hollywood with all manner of ill-conceived ideas, today we turn to the apparently fantastical land of generally gritty maestro Martin Scorsese.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw Daniel Day-Lewis drama The Boxer get reimagined as a Ben Stiller/Adam Sandler activist-turned-laugh-magnet political comedy, today we visit a magical land where Robert Loggia and John Landis ruled the earth: the early '90s.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while Friday saw Hugh Grant's re-emergence in the Info-Bar pantheon, today we get all method and shit with the man they call Daniel Day.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw a John Cassavetes classic get reconfigured as a silent short, today our remote sails us to a land where the impossible has been imposed on viewers: the woeful comedic "talents" of both Robin Williams and Tom Arnold.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw the Olsen Twins fulfill millions of guys' perverted sister-on-sister fantasies, today we see an independent classic get reimagined as a silent, short arthouse film inspired by a glorified clown.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw the surprise ending of Edward James Olmos' prison sentence blown up like a whitehead on a teenager's face, today we make room for a couple of precocious one-time tots who, according to the cable-guide gods, were already looking to act ahead of their age. And somewhat incestuously.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw a moving documentary about children of prostitutes get turned into a perverse, ethically questionable experiment in voyeurism, today we welcome one of NCDSUV's favorite pock-marked thespians, Edward James Olmos (and yes, that is the second consecutive post in which we've managed to link back to this previous Olmos-referencing post), into the Info-Bar hall of "huh?"
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while Friday saw Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas get shockingly reduced to a tale of two dudes doing lots of drugs (a couple of other people snorted some things during it, after all), today we scanned the cable guide and landed upon a well-meaning documentary that somehow got spun into a perverse family-prostituion tale.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw Alec Baldwin fomenting the notion of an attorney's ethical conflict, today we hallucinate that the remote made its way to a certain druggy Johnny Depp depiction of Hunter S. Thompson.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw Clint Eastwood and a hooker defending their WWE Tag Team Championship, today we flip the remote to a movie that captured Alec Baldwin between his skinny sex-symbol stage and his "I'm fat, so take me seriously now" portion of his career.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw Leonardo DiCaprio misfire The Beach try and shore up the mysteries of Kurt Cobain, today we turn the clock back to the days when Clint Eastwood was all about good ol' misogyny and machismo.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw teen-horse weepy (always a popular subgenre) Flicka get reimagined as a gender-reversal remake of Stephen King's Christine, today we welcome Mr. Leonardo DiCaprio in the fold, for a bit of fun in the sun and rock 'n' roll suicide.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw nostalgic baseball charmer The Sandlot, today our remote brings us to the tale of a girl and her horse. And no, it doesn't end with the world's largest mop-up scene. Weirdos.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw the Info-Bar overseer's first-ever double-feature, thanks to an overemphasis on a peculiar Yiddish expression, today we flip the remote to a nostalgic little charmer about childhood cruelty.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw Matthew Broderick make his triumphant return to the land of cable-guide confusion, today we bring the first-ever Info-Bar double feature, bridging two seemingly disparate words via the use of one magical derogatory Yiddish phrase.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
And while yesterday saw Slaughterhouse Five get stripped not just of chronological cohesion, but any plot whatsoever, today we welcome back a previous Info-Bar superstar, Mr. Patrick "my chest is muscular yet weirdly sunken in" Swayze.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while Friday managed to make Hot Shots! a simultaneous war/sports/parody parody, today we turn toward a movie that makes slightly more serious commetar
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw Brian De Palma get even more confusing than usual, today we flip the remote to Charlie Sheen's finest moment not involving accusations of adultery and prostitution.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw the teen-hormone farce Road Trip get morphed into a combination of Stand By Me, Animal House and Toy Soldiers, today we flip the ol' network-navigator to that crazy rabble-rouse, Brian De Palma.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw Sex And The City get transformed into a movie about middle-age trick or treaters, today we flip the channel-changer to a better-late-then-never entrant into the ageless teen-hormone genre.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while Friday saw Knocked Up get reimagined as a taut Shocktober thriller, today we flip the channel-changer to nearly three hours of unabashed estrogen overdrive.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw Hugh Grant and Gene Hackman have a kismet encounter via a creepy want ad, today we flip the ol' channel-changer to one of the decade's most beloved raunchy comedies.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw creepy Huck Finn-esque AIDS allegory The Cure get reimagined as a sanctimonious character study (hey, maybe it wasn't that far off), today we turn our remotes to a forgettably mediocre Hugh Grant/Gene Hackman thriller (what? that pairing didn't smell of dramatic success?).
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday revealed the paradoxical mysteries of the info-bar via the Scott Schwartz manure epic Kidco, today we turn toward a hilarious description of a Brad Renfro weepie even more depressing than the band it shares a name with.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw Starter For 10 get reimagined as a search for buried treasure, today we flip our remotes to a kid's film starring Scott Schwartz about doody.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw Poetic Justice get reimagined as a perverted kids' cartoon, today we check in with a charming-enough-if-passed-over British comedy.
Welcome back to one of NSCDUV's most beloved daily features, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw Meet The Parents reimagined as a concerned father's extended inner monologue, today we veer toward one of John Singleton's less compelling Boyz n the Hood followups.
Last month, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature (and compiled September's best a few weeks back), which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw John Travolta take a fourth turn at bat in the Info-Bar's cages with Grease (reimagined as a sex-change romance), today we turn our glance toward two hours of Ben Stiller being more emasculated than usual.
Last month, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature (and compiled September's best a few weeks back), which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw Misery get bilingualized, today we welcome back the undisputed champ of the Hilarious Cable Info-Bar, Mr. John Travolta (any time you want to be interviewed about Info-Bar omnipotence Johnny, we're here for ya).
Last month, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature (and compiled September's best a few weeks back), which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw Police Academy get recast as belated Nazi commentary, today we take a trip back to a time when Kathy Bates wasn't getting naked in hot tubs with Jack Nicholson, but gettin' downright murderous with James Caan.
Last month, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature (and compiled September's best a few weeks back), which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw Meteor Man get turned into a strange tale about MC Hammer bestowing divine powers on Robert Townsend for no reason, today we turn toward one of the '80s most beloved horndog comedies.
Last month, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature (and compiled September's best a few weeks back), which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw a Patrick Dempsey coming-of-age story get transformed into a time-traveling adventure, today we turn our attention toward Robert Townsend's entry into the little-explored subgenre of ordinary superheroes as metaphors for battling inner-city corrosion (here's looking at you, Blankman).
A few weeks back, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature (and compiled September's best two weeks ago), which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw the woeful Melissa Joan Hart/Adrien Grenier teen comedy Drive Me Crazy get morphed into an even more precious detective caper, today we turn toward a nostalgic clunker from the corrosive mind of Mike Binder.
A few weeks back, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature (and compiled September's best two weeks ago), which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw a Fantastic Four sequel get turned into the comic-book version of Being There, today we turn significantly lower-brow fare (relative to both films, even).
A few weeks back, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature (and compiled September's best two weeks ago), which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw Deck The Halls get recast as the bizarre tale of two neighbors who put aside their differences to battle the common enemy of aggressive street lighting, today we turn our glance toward one of the decade's innumerable, insufferable comic-book sequels.
A few weeks back, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature (and compiled September's best two weeks ago), which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw Death Becomes Her get re-imagined as a bizarrely adult Disney fable, today we turn toward a family-targeted flick actually about corrosively irritating adults.
A few weeks back, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature (and compiled September's best two weeks ago), which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw William Friedkin's cult classic The Guardian more or less demand further viewing with a wildly inane synopsis, today we turn our attention to another cult classic of sorts. If your cult classics are likely to be reenacted by drag queens at fetish bars after midnight.
A few weeks back, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature (and compiled September's best last week), which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw Pretty In Pink's description ignore the poignant crux of the John Hughes classic in favor of its overwrought caste-system subtext, today we turn toward an overlooked horror flick that reminds us where the info-bar derived its non-sequitir charms from in the first place.
A few weeks back, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature (and compiled September's best last week), which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw Road House get made somehow unintentionally funnier, today we turn toward a comedy that children of the '80s take very seriously, maybe too much so.
A few weeks back, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature (and compiled September's best last week), which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw Because I Said So get improbably transformed into an intriguing neurotic comedy for a late-in-life Diane Keaton, today we turn our glance toward a cult classic that also recently rocketed to the top of one our daily lists.
A few weeks back, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature (and compiled September's best last week), which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw Blades Of Glory get turned into a straightforward triumph-of-the-human spirit team-sports flick, today we turn our attention toward the nadir of Diane Keaton's career.
A few weeks back, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature (and compiled September's best last week), which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while Friday saw Naked Gun get recast as some kind of Clint Eastwood detective thriller, today we turn to another spoof, of the more contemporary Will Ferrell variety.
A few weeks back, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature (and compiled September's best earlier this week), which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw John Travolta get more or less enshrined in the Hilarious Info-Bar Hall Of Fame with Primary Colors, today we try and salvage a classic spoof from the humorless clutches of cable-guide programmers.
A few weeks back, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature (and compiled September's best earlier this week), which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw Trading Places stripped of all racial and class commentary, today we herald a hat trick for Info-Bar Superstar, John Travolta.
A few weeks back, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature (and compiled September's best earlier this week), which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday's info-bar re-cast HBO's faux-educational porn program Katie Morgan On Sex Toys as a modern-day Watch Mr. Wizard, today we pay homage to the great John Landis film of 1983 (the other one being his calamitous entry in the notorious, not-so-great Twilight Zone: The Movie).
A few weeks back, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature (and compiled September's best earlier this morning), which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday's info-bar refused to see beyond the booty in magnificent softcore porn Bikini Pirates, today we once again try to bring credibility─or at least truth in advertising─to the culturally crucial universe that is HBO nudie programming.
A few weeks back, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
In that time, we've seen it all, from Bill O'Reilly being re-cast as fair and balanced, to the pinnacle of softcore porn being cast aside as mere masturbatory fodder (for shame).
The latter, in particular, was one of September's most lazily surmised pieces of cable-recycled cinema. And there are four other bizarrely misrepresented gems worthy of joining Pirates as the month's most Hilarious Cable Info-Bar Descriptions Of The Day, making for a collective work week of viewing in need of Guide-ance counseling. And remember to peruse the Info-Bar Archives for all these entries and more, and to keep checking in every day for the tube's latest titling casualty.
5. Teen Wolf The Actual Story: All subtext is removed from the ongoing use of werewolf films as metaphors for raging hormones and unhinged sexuality, in an attempt to appeal to the wanton lust of subtextless '80s teens. Cable Info-Bar Synopsis: "A high school student's popularity soars when it is discovered that he is cursed with the mark of the werewolf." What Their Description Would Have You Believe: That Teen Wolf is a curious incongruity in which a tortured teen is discovered to harbor an ancient bedevilment, but despite this personal turmoil, finds renewed favor amongst his peers. It also fails to mention that he voluntarily "wolfs out" at school and his advanced state of puberty is primarily used as a platform for comic relief.
And while we're at it, enjoy the now-infamous penis-flashing-in-the-bleachers moment from the final scene (technically NSFW, but you're gonna look more like a weirdo than a pervert for watching this):
4. Bikini Pirates The Actual Story: Young couples follow an ancient diary that professes to lead them to buried treasure. And fuck their brains out. Cable-Info Bar Synopsis:"Beautiful women shed their clothes." What Their Description Would Have You Believe: That this late-night landmark merely exists to incite masturbation with five-to-10 scenes of passionate faux-penetration, rather than to cuttingly satirize the long legacy of pirate-themed films. Then again, as imdb.com user TimeNTide point, "It might have worked better if they all had been transported back to the time of the pirates instead of the pirates showing up in the present. But they would have needed a ship (and an even bigger budget)." Touche. Touche.
And in lieu of actual footage from Pirates, please enjoy this insight into the one-of-a-kind mind of the film's director, Fred Olen Ray.
3. Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead The Actual Story: After their crotchety summer sitter croaks, Christina Applegate fakes her age to work at a fashion-design company and leads her brood of siblings (including the incomparable Keith Coogan) through various hyjinks, all of them heeeelarious. Cable Info-Bar Synopsis: "With the sitter dead, a Los Angeles teen lands a job in the fashion industry to feed her siblings." What Their Description Would Have You Believe: That Don't Tell Mom is the inspiring, based-on-true-events story of a young teenager who had it all, but gave it up just as fast to support her ragamuffin brothers and sisters when the only woman designated to watch after them passed suddenly and tragically.
A few weeks back, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday's info-bar deluded itself into re-imagining Little Miss Sunshine as, well, a good movie, today we turn our attention toward the vast expanse of cinematic magic that is HBO softcore porn.
A few weeks back, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature (and compiled September's best earlier this morning), which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday's info-bar refused to see beyond the booty in magnificent softcore porn Bikini Pirates
A couple weeks back, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw Casual Sex? get re-cast as a pseudo-intellectual think piece on gender relations, today we turn toward a slightly more successful exploration of adolescent sexuality.
A couple weeks back, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw John Travolta and Nora Ephron's condescending, debauched whimsy fest Michael get re-imagined as a funky family farce about divine aliens, today takes a very special look back at a classic '80s sex comedy that also holds the honor of being one of the decades' few films with a question mark in the title.
A couple weeks back, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw Teen Wolf get re-imagined as the soulful exploration of a boy's mid-teen crisis, today we once again revisit the mystical wonderland that is John Travolta's filmography.
A couple weeks back, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday's info bar resurrected Isaac Hayes' ghost to sum up the absurd charms of Look Who's Talking, today we turn our attention toward Michael J. Fox in a role that depicted the world's worst known case of belated puberty.
Last week, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw Best In Show get recast as bestiality porn, today we go for lighter fare, like the timeless tale of a talking baby who really wants his mom to boink John Travolta before she gets old and stars in a TV show about how fat she is.
Last week, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw The O'Reilly Factor get recast as an objective and engaging platform for important newsmakers, today we turn to one of Christopher Guest's beloved off-kilter comedies.
Last week, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw the offensively bad Meg Ryan/Adam Brody weepy In The Land Of Women get recast as as a coming-of-age drama surrounding the relationship between Brody and his ailing grandma (don't ask), today we veer back to episodic television, to the land of one America's most controversial political pundits.
Last week, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw Deep Blue Sea get recast as the goofy tale of sharks who go all Honey, I Shrunk The Kids on their lab researchers, today we have a very special installment, straight from the collagen-enhanced mouth hole of Meg Ryan.
Last week, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while Friday saw MTV's criminally cruel and superficial dating show Next get recast as an empowering twist on the age-old formula, today we turn our glance toward an even deeper abyss than Next's moral nosedive: the murky waters of an LL Cool J shark-attack vehicle.
Earlier this week, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead get recast as the harrowing tale of a teenage girl forced to become family breadwinner, today we turn our glance toward the moral abyss that is MTV mid-day programming...
Yesterday, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw Mask get recast as a freak-gets-murderous-revenge tale, today's selection re-imagines a '90s teen-comedy classic as a poignant Hallmark drama.
Welcome to a new daily feature here on NCDSUV. One that's both conducive to my penchant for brevity (read: laziness) and indulges my fascination with cable's always-entertaining attempts to keep archival pace with itself.
The concept is pretty simple. You know when you hit the info bar on your remote and the magical man inside the TV provides a helpful and often bizarrely critical one-sentence synopsis of the current program (unless, of course, you get the dreaded "no data")? And how most of them read like the cable equivalent of dictionary entries written by the dyslexia ward of a hospital? Well, this feature is here to celebrate those digitally delivered moments of succinct anti-insight.
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