Here we go with another ridiculous Films From The Cable Afterlife. As usual, we scour the cable movie listings and turn up some diamonds, and lots of the rough. For best results, watch both. Your life may improve! 8. Mystery Of Monster Island (1981) Fox Movie Channel, Wednesday, February 3, 4am Unbelievable pile of crap by Juan Piquer Simon, one of the worst directors of the 20th century (he's also responsible for X-rated chainsaw slasher Pieces, MST3K fodder Pod People and K-Tel Films release The Supersonic Man). How a major studio found their way around distributing this one is anybody's guess (a series of blowjobs, perhaps), but you will never see Terence Stamp look more embarrassed. Watch if you dare.
7. DOUBLE FEATURE ALERT Pumpkin Karver (2006) The Movie Channel, Saturday, January 31, 12am Pumpkinhead (1988) IFC, Saturday, January 31, 1:35am The stars have aligned: two pumpkin-related horror movies back-to-back on the same night. Different networks, but still, work with me here. Friday Night Lights' Minka Kelly stars in the serial killer/Juggalo-style horror dumper Pumpkin Karver, while Lance Henriksen conjures up a demon to kill bikers in Stan Winston's minor classic Pumpkinhead. It's "Pumpkininny!"
6. Booty Call (1997) Cinemax (@MAX), Sunday, February 1, 8:05pm; Cinemax (WMAX), Monday, February 2, 6:50pm; Cinemax, Tuesday, February 3, 8:30pm Boisterous, offensive and couthless, Booty Call is actually one of the funnier comedies of the late '90s, and deserves another look. Jamie Foxx and Vivica A. Fox (playing characters named Bunz and Lysterine, respectively), join Tommy Davidson, a fake Indian guy, a dog that barks "Nigga Please!" in subtitles (and one Gedde Watanabe, willing to take any role no matter the stereotype, saying "Nigga Preese" in a Chinese restaurant), some hilarious orange pants, an incident with Saran Wrap as dental dam and some dude named Ug Lee. There's no one who won't be upset in its 79 minute runtime, but I don't think it'd work any other way. Watch it and pick your jaw up off the floor.
5. Ladies And Gentlemen The Fabulous Stains (1981) Turner Classic Movies, Saturday, January 31, 2am I hope that now this one has finally made it onto DVD, and not from some bootleg version that's been duped a thousand times from a Betamax that caught it on Showtime in the '80s, that we can see this legendary unreleased film for what it is: kind of a stinker. Still, there's never been anything like it before or since, and it's a fun time with a message. Teenagers Diane Lane and Laura Dern start a makeshift punk band that lands an opening spot for the fake real punk band The Looters, featuring Sex Pistols Steve Jones and Paul Cook, The Clash's Paul Simonon and fronted by actor Ray Winstone. They create a media circus and have it all collapse on them within days, but it's a good enough time, also starring Fee Waybill from The Tubes and a special (awesome) appearance from Black Randy and the Metrosquad. Join the professionals!
More Cable Afterlife, because you demanded it. You beat down my door. You followed me home. You took my seat on the subway. You cut in front of me in line. You better watch ... these movies. On cable, this Friday through next Thursday, like always. (All times in EST.) 8. Shanghai Surprise (1986) Encore Love, Monday, January 26, 10:30am As Sean Penn gears up to possibly win an Oscar for one of his best performances (as the titular Harvey Milk), it's high time to see him in one of his worst, and I'm not talking about I Am Sam. No, this is the spectacular flop he made with Madonna while the two were married. I dare you to finish it. P.S. It's heavily steam. I've said too much. Or have I?
7. Bullet (1995) IFC, Tuesday, January 27th, 12am As for said Oscars, Mickey Rourke's on the ascent with his role in The Wrestler. Check him out as he was careening to the bottom, out-acted by Tupac Shakur in this ruff-n-tuff action thriller, directed by Julien Temple
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6. Luv (1967) Turner Classic Movies, Thursday, January 29th, 8:15am Jack Lemmon's about to jump off a bridge when he meets old friend Peter Falk, who pawns off his wife (Elaine May) on him so that he can be with his girlfriend. You can't pass on that cast, nor will you want to miss this rarely-screened Clive Donner effort from the peace-n-love era. Expect awkwardness, and a cameo by a young Harrison Ford as a longhair.
5. Funny Games (2008) Cinemax, Saturday, January 24th, 10pm It hasn't yet been determined if Michael Haneke's shot-for-shot remake of his own cinematic paradigm---the movie so brutal and heartless, it dares you not to watch and in effect judges you for how far along you've endured it---fulfilled whatever sort of Hollywood traction he may have been going for... because nobody's seen it, really. Here's your chance to.
January seems to be the month where cable TV networks, short on original series yet aware of an audience that's probably staying out of the cold, seem to air out their most interesting slates of movies and film programming. Films From The Cable Afterlife recommends a handful of these each week: some to watch, some to avoid. Here's some more suggestions for your pleasure, or lack thereof...
8. Prey (2007) Cinemax, Tuesday, January 20, 4:50am (and On Demand) People have remarked on the bad fortunes of The Weinstein Company ever since their acrimonious split with Disney (who walked away with their Miramax brand), but I say let 'em go. We haven't had this good of an exploitation studio since New World shuttered in the late '80s. Continuing with man vs. nature gore a la last week'sRogue, here's a safari horror flick in which Bridget Moynihan and Peter Weller, along with their children, are stranded in Africa and become Lunchables for a pride of hungry lions. Ivan Tors, we hardly knew ye.
7. Strange Hostel Of Naked Pleasures (1975) IFC, Saturday, January 17, 1:30am It's a Coffin Joe movie and it's outside the cycle of the three originals (At Midnight I'll Take Your Soul, etc.), but watch it anyway. It is loaded with the kind of brash, earthy shocks Mexico has staked its reputation on, and it likely will offend you. That title is no joke.
6. Assassination Tango (2002) Monday, January 19, 9:45pm; Tuesday, January 20, 4:20am My colleague Andrew Earles has been harping on this movie since its release, a bizarre, faux-seductive tale of hitman Robert Duvall (who also directed) stuck in South America, falling in love, and learning how to dance; a more ridiculous plot you couldn't ask for, and a more stilted, awkward performance by Duvall you won't find. Also starring the omnipresent Latin-American singer and actor Ruben Blades. This is a warning!
5. Bedazzled (1967) Cinemax (5STARMAX), Sunday, January 18, 2:40pm, 10:30pm; Cinemax (ActionMAX), Wednesday, January 21, 5am For the entire time I've been writing these weekly rundowns, I've been utterly frustrated at cable's propensity to air the forgettable remake of this soul-selling comic allegory instead of Stanley Donen's superior-in-every-way original. That wrong has been righted. You may have been stuck on an airplane or in a waiting room watching Brendan Fraser sell his soul to Liz Hurley, and yeah, that might have angered you. But you NEED to see the genuine article, starring Dudley Moore and Peter Cook, one of the funniest comedy teams ever to grace a stage. Everything about this movie is great. Go watch it now.
Films from the Cable Afterlife soldiers on for yet another week, highlighting special movies from special people. Laugh, cry, feel something, even if that feeling is embarrassment for having spent 90 minutes of your lives watching people get eaten by a tree. You heard right. Read on for the dirty details. (All listings in EST.)
8. The Guardian (1990) Cinemax (WMAX), Friday, January 9, 4pm; Monday January 12, 7:40am; Thursday, January 15, 2:45pm We're gonna bookend today's list with works from director William Friedkin, at his absolute lowest and his most recent heights. Might as well start from the bottom with this confusing, absurd horror tale about a nanny (Jenny Seagrove) who may just be some manner of wolf-like creature, as well as a druid. She's gonna sacrifice another baby, and hikers are going to get chewed up by a stump. One of the worst of the '90s, and it kicked off a string of forgettable, tawdry features from this one-time great. It would take years for him to get his groove back, but at least he turned it around on his own terms. Miguel Ferrer and Brad Hall co-star. Try not to kick a hole in your TV afterwards as you wonder how any network could bring itself to show this one three times in the space of a week.
7. Sisters (1973) IFC, Friday, January 9, 8pm; Saturday, January 10, 4:30am
Early, suspenseful Brian DePalma, back in his hungrier days. It's no Phantom Of The Paradise, but really, nothing is. Margot Kidder stars as a demure French girl with a horrible secret: Her formerly conjoined twin sister, hiding in the closet with a knife. Reporter Jennifer Salt is unlucky enough to witness the murder, and her investigation robs her of her personality. The scene in the mental institution where she squares off with a germophobe is positively unnerving, and overall this thing is far, far better than what the genre deserved.
6. Old Dracula (1974) Retroplex, Tuesday, January 13, 6:20pm David Niven takes a turn as the count, desperately trying to revive his wife Vampira after centuries in the coffin. The blood transfusion she receives turns her into a African-American. Dracula is bummed and she's out gettin' her thing on in the clubs of an avocado-green London. Can't make this up; couldn't even try. Clive Donner directs, from a particularly low point in his career. Look for Linda Hayden, the knockout Sabbath fan from Blood on Satan's Claw, presumably naked... again.
5. Terror On The 40th Floor (1974) Fox Movie Channel, Friday, January 16, 2am Legendary made-for-TV stinker, in the footsteps of The Towering Inferno. Office revelers John Forsyth, Don Meredith and Joseph Campanella are among the B-list talent stranded in a burning skyscraper at Christmas Eve. Will they survive? Will you?
Back for 2009, here's some more Films From The Cable Afterlife, properly hung over for the New Year. It's a short week, so let's just get this over with and celebrate the end of a stinker, and hope for change as well as variety in our cultural diets. (All listings in EST.)
8. The Dead One (2007) TMC, Thursday, January 8, 4:30am It's not just your junk that's up for grabs when Wilmer Valderrama rolls up to your crew in this do-not-pass-DVD, go-directly-to-cable stinker. Fez puts on mariachi makeup by accident, then gets in an accident and sent to the Aztec god of death, to do HIS BIDDING. Oooooooooooh!
7. Skinwalkers (2007) TMC, Thursday, January 8, 6:10pm A product of a robust yet bloated market, Skinwalkers was yet another failure of a horror film, given theatrical release by Lionsgate. This one's about werewolves, and while the effects were decent, there's no buffing up the acting and the plot is nearly identical to that of Dane Cook's Employee Of The Month. Here' hoping the economic downturn keeps dog dirt like this out of production.
6. American Perfekt (1997) Showtime (SHO Beyond), Wednesday, January 7, 8:15pm A flip of a coin is all it takes for criminal psychiatrist Robert Forster to abandon all of his plans and go on a wild vacation with some psychotic women and a whole heap of trouble. Are Fairuza Balk, Amanda Plummer and Naked's David Thewlis interesting enough to get you to tune in? Flip a coin to find out!
5. Doomsday (2008) Cinemax, Monday, January 5, 10pm Last year, director Neil Marshall (The Descent) took a dump in the Thunderdome, and here it is, having baked in the sun for many months. Rhona Mitra leads a cast of Bob Hoskins and Malcolm McDowell in a post-apocalyptic run 'n' gun of Scotland.
Here's the last Films From The Cable Afterlife of 2008. Looking back, there were some great movies shown that I hope I turned you onto, and hopefully some more that you found on your own. Overall, I gotta let it be known that cable as a medium for showing movies is starting to slip. Movie packages change hands and the more creative programmers out there fall to the wayside, buried in an avalanche of cheap-to-air space fillers, the kind of sub-direct-to-DVD garbage that's 10 times worse than the lousiest drive-in/grindhouse garbage it replaced.
Movies are also getting squeezed out of formerly great networks like Sundance and IFC in favor of original programming (thanks guys, I needed to be reminded to recycle) and the on-demand diaspora only pushes a tighter net of weak movies into a narrower frame. You'd think that the shrinking margins facing cable would cause these networks to step up, but the thrills that movie channels once provided are competing with all manner of media and piracy issues, and fighting a losing battle. Only Turner Classic Movies, and to a lesser extent Fox Movie Channel and IFC, are keeping it real, showing a tacit dedication to their implicit tasks at hand.
I challenge cable programmers to show a little more pride in their work come 2009, and that they rise to the expectations of their viewership, the lazy, unmotivated herd that deserves to have their realm shattered by unbelievable examples of cinema. This time we're going to look exclusively at IFC and Turner Classic Movies for an example of two networks who get it right. 8. Twentieth Century (1934) Turner Classic Movies, Thursday, January 1, 7:15am One of the rules of Cable Afterlife was "nothing before 1967, please" but you know what? WHO CARES. Howard Hawks' knock-down drag-out comedy deserves to be appreciated by a new generation. Fussy director John Barrymore and his even fussier protégé actress Carole Lombard, who he made a star for nothing in return, slug it out on a train ride. It's hilarious and bitchy and biting, and the best we can do today is crap like Bride Wars. Please, do yourself a favor and watch this.
7. Heaven's Gate (1981) Turner Classic Movies, Wednesday, December 31, 2am A few years back I found myself stranded in a condo with my family in Naples, Florida over Christmas vacation. It was raining, and I didn't have access to a rental car (not that there was anything to do anyway). In an ultimate act of masochism, I brought my GreenCine rentals with me, and decided to roll through the early oeuvre of Michael Cimino, from Magnum Force and Thunderbolt & Lightfoot to The Deer Hunter and this, the movie that bankrupted United Artists and sullied Cimino's career once and for all. TCM presents the long, restored version of this giant catastrophe, peppered with moments of unfettered brilliance and an extravagance that you don't see much in films anymore. It's hard to sympathize with anyone in this movie, the ultimate '70s downer and one so large it carried through to the '80s. Rich kid baron Kris Kristofferson shuns his Harvard graduating class and protects the interests of immigrants in this overblown retelling of the Johnson County War. Ugly, mean, bitter and melancholy, with great turns by Christopher Walken and Sam Waterston as the ultimate heel/coward. This year sucked anyway. Watch it run down the drain the right way.
6. Surf Movie Marathon Turner Classic Movies, Tuesday, December 30, 6:30am-8pm TCM is down to show surf movies without fail every few months, and it's always nice to get a massive dose of such irreverence thrown at you in such a manner as this; over 12 hours of beach action, slumber parties, Von Zipper chop-busting, very off-color race gags (an Asian guy named "Cholly"? Come on!), and killer musical appearances by garage and R&B bands of the '60s. Running top to bottom, we have the following:
• Pajama Party (some nonsense about an alien learning about girls, bound to be fun with Tommy Kirk and Annette Funicello on board) • Winter A Go-Go (teen turns abandoned ski lodge into music venue) • For Those Who Think Young (teens fight developers who threaten to shut down a beachside hangout; starring Paul Lynde, Nancy Sinatra, Bob Denver and Tina Louise) • It's A Bikini World (rad drag-racing beach/surf monster with Deborah Walley, Sid Haig, The Animals, The Gentrys and The Castaways) • Ride The Wild Surf (more surf-oriented than most, with Fabian and Shelley Fabares hitting the waves in Hawaii) • Don't Make Waves (Tony Curtis and the late Sharon Tate mix it up with The Byrds out by the shore) • Beach Party (the original; Frankie and Annette battle Von Zipper, with Dick Dale shredding on guitar) • Muscle Beach Party (the kids fight the bodybuilders, featuring music by Brian Wilson, Little Stevie Wonder, and Dick Dale, with extra insults by Don Rickles)
These movies are where pop culture exploded into music, and provided some of the fuel to fire up the '60s youth rebellion. Must-watch, even if you think you're beyond this type of cheese.
5. Never Die Alone (2004) IFC, Saturday, January 2, 12am Chilling, violent modern film noir, based on street-hustler-turned-Iceberg Slim-protégé Donald Goines' novel. DMX's finest role, and David Arquette is no slouch either. You probably missed this joint when it hit theaters, so catch up now and feel the burn.
Have yourself a cable-ridden Christmas. Watch your fill of crap. Every now and then a great movie falls in your lap. (All times in EST.) 8. Glow Ropes: The Rise And Fall Of A Bar Mitzvah Emcee (2007) TMC, Monday, December 22, 11:35pm Faux documentary regarding what the title implies. Piss-poor acting and pacing, but man, such a great idea. I should have copyrighted my concept for this movie when I came up with it. Someone's reading my thoughts!
7. Meatballs (1979) SHO Family, Sunday, December 21, 6:25pm Don't shower, don't shave, don't even bother changing out of your night clothes. Anytime Meatballs is on, it's totally chill to drop everything and vegetate. Bill Murray keeps it together through the loosest narrative possible, and Chris Makepeace all but defines emo as "Wudy The Wabbit."
6. Aliens vs Predator: Requiem (2007) Cinemax, Monday, December 22, 12:45am Squick factor 10! Aliens, predators and "Pred-Aliens" land in Colorado, destroying humans and face-humping pregnant women and little kids. Features Fox TV stars from Rescue Me and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I dare you to tell me what's happening in the rubber-suit fight scenes. You can't sit far away enough from the screen.
5. Kuroneko (The Black Cat) (1968) IFC, Sunday December 21 8am Samurais murder two women, whose spirits live on to avenge their deaths. Fits in nicely with similar Japanese horror offerings Kwaidan and Onibaba. Get ready to get skeered.
Lost your job, did you? Enjoy the few weeks left in your cable subscription before it gets shut off. Films from the Cable Afterlife is like a drink to help you forget, Dean Martin-style, yet another plunge into the moldy basement of movies on TV. Do you care that this column is pay cable-centric? Want to know more about the seedy underside of basic cable as well? Let us know by e-mailing nudecelebritydeathsuv@gmail.com or leaving comments below! In the meantime, here's some films you would do well to watch. (All times in EST.)
8. DOUBLE FEATURE ALERT: Beyond The Fog (1972) Turner Classic Movies, Saturday, December 13, 2:15am Horror House (1969) Turner Classic Movies, Saturday, December 13, 3:45am Busty British women (Jill Haworth appears in both features), blood and a vengeful female god wait for you on Snape Island, while "teenager" Frankie Avalon waits out a long, dark, stabby night with other "teenagers" in an old house. Here's prime UHF fantasy fodder, drilling sex and death into the heads of the burnouts who might have crammed into a fleabag theater on the Deuce to cop drugs, and to the sugar-addled kids who would catch on via Saturday afternoon Suspense Theater matinees on TV. And with a major network repealing standard primetime hours, let's hole to see more desperation programming like this to counter the real schlock: reality TV.
7. The Ruins (2008) Cinemax, Sunday, December 13, 10pm, assorted times during the week, and On Demand Unless you catch Holocaust/white people-learning-'bout-life weepie The Boy In The Striped Pajamas, you may not find a worse feature film this year than this adaptation of Scott B. Smith's gripping horror novel. Prose turns to feces, an ill-gotten gift festers under idiocy and poor direction for all to see. Witless Yankee co-eds on spring break in Mexico run off, wholly unprepared, for an endless hike into the jungle to visit some ancient ruins. While there, they're assaulted by the natives when they try to escape, and are entwined by blood-sucking, viral vines that pick them off one by one. Only the brave and dulled of spirit will be able to make it past the point where the vines start "talking."
6. Pact With The Devil (aka Dorian) (2001) TMC Xtra, Tuesday, December 16, 2:05am Hey, howzabout a straight-to-video, "modern" update of The Picture Of Dorian Gray? No? Too bad. Malcolm McDowell chews on the set as the demon that keeps the painting in play. Not for the weak or listless.
5. Areola 51 (2008) Showtime (Showcase), Tuesday, December 16, 2:15am Normally I don't revert to Skinemax as a valid choice. Nor have I watched this heartwarming tale of a woman abducted and serviced by "fem-aliens" (though you might). I just wanted to address the fact that there's a movie called Areola 51. Proceed with your life.
Films From The Cable Afterlife empties out the traps of uncut cable movies, and sorts out all the irregular or otherwise remarkable movies that got left behind by the crush of time and popular favor, that defined the medium of modern television and fed into its cultural whims with both flash and zen. Write your thesis on any of these chestnuts. (All listings in EST.) 8. CQ (2001) IFC, Friday, December 12, 12:30am How do you make the European swinging '60s unbearable? Ask Roman Coppola about this abomination, his first (and last) feature film, starring a wimpy Jeremy Davies stranding his long-time girlfriend for an Italian actress once he gets asked to drop the douchebag at film school and come to the studio to do it for real. So pointless, it's like a void; other movies become terrible in its proximity.
7. Stealth Fighter (1999) Cinemax (OuterMAX), Saturday, December 6, 11:05am; Cinemax (More MAX), Thursday, December 11, 12:05pm Director Jim Wynorski is a late-era Roger Corman protege, having polished up turds like Chopping Mall and The Return Of Swamp Thing since the mid '80s (and sitting in the chair for Skinemax crud like The Witches Of Breastwick and The DaVinci Coed). He's a huge fan of stock footage, and crams it into just about all of his movies, regardless of how well it matches with the rest of the film. Stealth Fighter features Ice-T pulling a Broken Arrow and stealing military aircraft. Costas Mandylor, Erika Eleniak, Ernie Hudson and Tom "Tiny" Lister co-star. A career ender, except for Ice-T, whose revenue streams in the jiggling buttocks of his wife, CoCo, are so strong that they may pull us out of this recession.
6. We Jam Econo: The Story Of The Minutemen (2005) Sundance Channel, Thursday, December 11, 6:35am For the first half of the '80s, San Pedro's Minutemen traveled the U.S., dodging loogies and bumming out the punks waiting to see Black Flag with tense, jazzy punk rock rooted in the struggles of the working class. Tough guys hate this band and rock the Red Hot Chili Peppers instead, but as for the rest of us, their story is a bittersweet chronicle of life on the outside, and dreams dashed away (singer/guitarist D. Boon died in an auto accident at the end of 1985, promptly ending the group). Plenty of famous folks are on hand to reminisce about the greatness of this band, and if you don't know, now ya know.
5. Harry And Son Showtime (SHO Family Zone), Sunday, December 7, 9:30pm I'll just point you to Cintra Wilson's masterful take on the career of teen actor Robby Benson and let recent Hilarious Cable Info-Bar entrantHarry And Son do the head-scratching for you. "About as sexy as a pair of white socks" indeed, but all the same, a fascinating and bizarre cultural phenom from the days of Styrofoam McDonald's containers.
From Black Friday to the Thursday following, Films From The Cable Afterlife fleeces you for your time and effort as you sit on your couch, absorbing the lost stocking stuffers from video's filthy past, and all of the discomfort that comes with it. Roll up your sleeves, because this brain drain time suck isn't going to unclog itself.
8. Channel Of The Apes Fox Movie Channel, Thursday, November 27 thru Sunday, November 30 Good god. It's every Planet Of The Apes movie, along with all of the serialized episodes of the TV show. All they're missing is the animated series. Seriously though, this is a perfectly valid way to spend 96 hours, especially as you get to the less successful iterations of this sci-fi chestnut. If you can make it through Life, Liberty And Pursuit On The Planet Of The Apes, you have what it takes... to do what, I have no idea
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7. Under Pressure (1997) HBO Signature, Monday, December 1, 1am; HBO2, Wednesday, December 3, 4:40am Look for the name Craig R. Baxley, a '70s stuntman-turned-director of action schlock, for a promise of wild times within. Miles away from leading Carl Weathers through Action Jackson and "The Boz" through Stone Cold, we have this fetid little steamer, with rogue fireman Charlie Sheen snapping in a Los Angeles heat wave and taking his next-door neighbors hostage. Also starring Mare Winningham and Cheers' John Ratzenberger, last seen horrifyingly animated in a commercial for Pitney-Bowes self-postage machines.
6. Hammer House Mystery: Mark Of The Devil (1984) Fox Movie Channel, Monday, December 1, 4:30pm Handsome actor Dirk Benedict (Faceman!) is slowly covered in demonic tattoos that foretell heinous murders and crimes. Did he commit 'em? Who cares! It's a rare chance to see such talent dying on the vine; made-for-TV shocks from the UK's greatest horror studio.
5. Tim (1979) FLIX, Monday, December 1, 2:30pm Mel Gibson, right after Mad Max, goes for the Dewey Award as a learning-disabled gardener who begins a tender (or is it?) relationship with a female client (Piper Laurie). Wait for the scenes where he's wigging out. The Other Sister's got nothing on this one.
You're only gonna watch A Christmas Story once this coming week. Here's what else is on. Films From the Cable Afterlife returns to bring you some respite from glad tidings this holiday season. Buyer beware! No refunds on these turkeys!. (And per usual, all listings in EST.)
8. Dead Silence (2007)
Cinemax, Saturday, November 22, 10am; Cinemax (OuterMAX), Sunday, November 23, 10:30pm; Cinemax (ThrillerMAX), Tuesday, November 25, 8:30pm Saw creators James Wan and Leigh Whannell stepped gingerly into the major studio system with this throwback horror thriller, pitting young murder suspect Ryan Kwanten (now famous as Jason Stackhouse on HBO's True Blood) and the embarrassing Donnie Wahlberg against dolls that kill people. If dolls, dark houses and late-changing plot twists are things that terrify you, then line up. As such, this one isn't too terrible (Amber Valletta makes a good showing), but it's nothing you haven't seen outta Chucky.
7. Screwed (2000)
Starz Comedy, Wednesday, November 26, 5:45am, 12:35pm
This comedy stars Norm MacDonald, Dave Chappelle, Sarah Silverman, and Danny DeVito. Sherman Hemsley shows up in it as well. Why haven't you heard of it? Tune in to find out! Tailored for a long, slow death somewhere in the cable diaspora, this wintry comedy involves a kidnapped dog, a Jack Lord fanatic and some other things you may or may not look back on fondly. It's not as good as Norm's Dirty Work, but really, what is?
6. Zoo (2007)
Sundance Channel, Tuesday, November 25, 1am
You could drink a whole bottle of cough syrup and watch the notorious "Mr. Hands" video somewhere on the Internet, slobbering on your hands (please, do not try this), or you could simply watch this goofy, new age, bad touch documentary about it instead. You'll never think about bestiality the same way ever again. You will be so over bestiality from then on, because you didn't think anything sexual could ever be this boring.
5. Bigger Than Life (1956)
Fox Movie Channel, Sunday, November 23, 9:30am
And while we're on the subject of drugs, you really owe it to yourself to watch this intense, bizarre portrayal of addiction. James Mason tears the set down as an overworked dad who takes cortisone pills and hulks out into this tyrannical maniac who only Walter Matthau can subdue. All the ingredients work. Director Nicholas Ray pushes a thick candied Technicolor shell through Cinemascope, a man taking a bullet for the cinema. Cortisone pills!
More movies, less problems. Cable Afterlife does the dirty work and all you gotta do is sit there. How fair is that? (And as always, all times listed in EST.)
8. The Panic in Needle Park (1971)
Cinemax (WMAX), Thursday, November 20, 1:30am
Seldom-seen depiction of junkies (a young Al Pacino and Kitty Winn) scraping by in the bleakest New York City on record. Jerry Schatzberg's acclaimed drama plays like a documentary, and is slow at times, but the wrenching portayal of addiction, and the grimy, vital urban desperation within are a bracing slap of reality for... wait a minute! These times we're in now are WORSE!
7. Nighthawks (1981)
Cinemax (OuterMAX), Saturday, November 15, 5am; Tuesday, November 18, 8:30pm
Sylvester Stallone was never more stylin', nor matched up with as worthy a co-star (at the time) as Billy Dee Williams, as he was in this NYC-based nerve ripper. Rutger Hauer and Persis Khambatta step in as terrorists with a grudge who hijack the Roosevelt Island Tramway. Watch for Sly in drag. Hot stuff.
6. Lambada (1990)
FLIX, Saturday, November 15, 6:30am
Winter temperatures are settling in, taking us Northerners by surprise. But with the rising cost of energy, you may need to find new ways to stay warm. And what better way to heat things up than with the assaultive dance of torrid passion, straight from Latin America?Lambada took the nation by storm for approximately 12 days back at the dawn of the greatest decade, so much so that warring filmmakers Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus staged a pissing contest with two films about this penetrating dance trend. Nobody cared then, but what about now? Wipe the steam off your screen with straight-to-video magnate J. Eddie Peck and The Office's Melora Hardin.
5. Enter The Ninja (1981)
Encore Action, Friday, November 14, 6:15pm
This is what cable TV used to be about: cheap, violent exploitation, Cannon-style. Franco Nero, Sho Kosugi, and Christopher George starred in this martial arts vehicle, with lots of kickin', throwing stars, blood and scenery chewing. Spread 'em and let that ninja enter... your heart?
Here’s a truncated Cable Afterlife covering this week up through Thursday night, as last week’s usual installment was interrupted to memorialize the late Michael Crichton. Look for the next edition on Friday, unless somebody else dies.
8. Jaws 2 (1978)
Cinemax (OuterMAX), Wednesday, November 12, 6:50pm; Cinemax (ThrillerMAX), Thursday, November 13, 7am
One of the worst sequels ever produced in relation to the original (the last three Star Wars features notwithstanding), Jaws 2 brings Sheriff Brody (the late Roy Scheider) back to Amity Beach, where the offspring of the great white attacks anything that touches the water. A bunch of goofy teenagers help in luring Jaws Jr. to chomp down on an underwater high voltage line (what?) in a brief, cop-out ending; that one scene, looped together for two hours, tops anything else in this atrocity … but why wasn’t the rest of the cast electrocuted?
7. Lost In London (1985)
Starz InBlack, Wednesday, November 12, 12:10pm
Let’s face it: you have secretly been jonesing for a made-for-TV remake of Oliver Twist starring Emmanuel Lewis and Ben Vereen. Search no longer.
6. Downtown (1990)
Fox Movie Channel, Friday, November 14, 1am
Doughy Anthony Edwards and doughier Forest Whitaker team up as cops in the ‘hood, with a hip-hop attitude and some extraordinary pathos that threatens to blow the whole thing. It’s The Super for dummies, directed with wild abandon by Richard Benjamin. Case in point, there’s a scene where one of the film’s villains gets launched into a wood chipper and is converted into slurry. Don’t miss it!
5. The Decline Of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years (1985)
IFC, Monday, November 10, 9:20am, 4pm
Wake up! It’s Monday morning. Time to watch W.A.S.P.’s Chris Holmes floating in an in-ground pool of despair, his mother sitting idly by, watching her son kill himself. Penelope Spheeris’ follow-up to her acclaimed “staged” punk documentary (c’mon, The Germs' Darby Crash with a girlfriend?) by covering the direct opposite of punk’s economy with the overblown desperation of heavy metal.
Of course there’s Halloween, when cable is meant to bring out its big guns with respect to weird, wild, uncut movies. But then what? Does cable TV shut itself down from holiday overload? Especially when there’s a ton of great movies to air, and an increasingly fickle public is getting more adept at finding ways to watch them elsewhere? We’ll find out in this week’s Films From The Cable Afterlife. (All showtimes listed in EST.)
8. Man’s Best Friend (1993)
The Movie Channel, Saturday, November 1, 12am, 4:30am
Why not? Killer dog movie from the early ‘90s is what passed for horror back in such happy times. Lance Henriksen and Ally Sheedy star opposite “Max,” a genetically-tweaked Rottweiler that eats a cat and a mailman whole. (Seeing an actor pushing himself into a giant dog-sock while screaming and covered in gore is why you pay for cable. Beware.)
7. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)
HBO Comedy, Friday, October 31, 11:30am; Cinemax (@MAX), Saturday, November 1, 12:10pm; Cinemax, Friday, November 7, 3:40am
This is the most cynical of any Griswold adventure, released during our last recession. Clark, Ellen and the ageless Audrey and Rusty (here played by Juliette Lewis and Johnny Galecki) stay home and let the chaos come to them. Chevy Chase’s delivery is damn near venomous as he doles out charity to Cousin Eddie and his clan, camped out in a rusting RV, while in-laws ridicule and the tacky yuppie neighbors (including a pre-Seinfeld Julia-Louis Dreyfus) suffer these fools. Hey, the stores are already pushing Christmas, so why can’t cable?
6. Electra Glide In Blue (1973)
Encore Action, Monday, November 3, 8:15am
Comedian Paul Mooney called Robert Blake “the white O.J. Simpson” on Howard Stern this week. See him in his Napoleonic prime in this offbeat cop thriller, where the diminutive officer spins his wheels dispensing traffic violations across the desert. Backed by Chicago manager James William Guercio, who also directed, this is maverick filmmaking before the term “maverick” became synonymous with “scared idiot.” Watch as Peter Cetera and Terry Kath get hassled by the fuzz.
5. The Warriors (1979)
Turner Classic Movies, Friday, November 7, 3:15am
This one’s pretty commonplace, but you know what? A few years back, Walter Hill and the studio, high on the fumes of the video game and the still-MIA remake of this late ‘70s classic, decided to add new footage to The Warriors, and in the process delete the original version altogether. If you didn’t buy an earlier copy of the DVD, you might be S.O.L. … or you could settle for this uncut, letterboxed print from TCM. Unsettling even in its campier moments, this gritty tale of a Coney Island street gang’s difficult trek back home from the Bronx following a gangleader’s assassination still packs every bit of its initial punch, bolstered by intense performances by psycho-character actors James Remar (know of late as Richard Wright from Sex And The City) and David Patrick Kelly.
October winds things up well in the world of cable. The days leading up to Halloween typically makes for a veritable sweeps week for cable movie channels; a manic, senseless assault on the senses, top-loaded with horror, sci-fi and thrillers. They don't call it “SHOCKTOBER” for nothin’. Dig if you will these Films from the Cable Afterlife. (Listings in EST.)
8. End Of The Game (1975)
Fox Movie Channel, Thursday, October 30, 11pm
Suitably rare, this is the kind of thriller worthy of a cult revival. Director Maximillian Schell and screenwriter Friedrich Dürrenmatt (based on his novel The Judge and His Hangman) pit hard-nosed cop Jon Voight against murderous captain of industry Robert Shaw, with Jacqueline Bisset as the bait between their hooks. Ennio Morricone did the score. It’s nowhere to be seen on DVD. In fact, it's so obscure, the best representation we could find of it was this poster.
7. Money Train (1995)
HBO-Zone, Tuesday October 28, 7:05pm
The second teaming up of Woody Harrelson and Wesley Snipes found both actors on top of the world when this overblown actioner was released. As transit cops raised as brothers, they buck the system until the system bucks back, forcing them to carry out a daring robbery of the NYC Subway’s daily take. Robert Blake co-stars as a Satanic hamster/MTA superintendent, and Chris Cooper shows up as a psychopath who torches token clerks inside their own booths (which, incidentally, became a copycat crime in the city the weekend the film was released). J. Lo shows up and gets punched in the face by Snipes. Scenes were shot inside McHale’s on 46th and 8th, now long-gone. This was the home of my favorite burger in NYC. I miss it more than this movie, for sure.
6. The World’s Greatest Sinner (1962)
Turner Classic Movies, Saturday, October 25, 2am
This seldom-screened piece of anarchy will ring most true around Election Day, a self-made shit-stirrer by writer/actor/director/co-producer Timothy Carey. He plays the title role, a salesman who becomes bored with life, becomes a rock ‘n’ roll evangelist, renames himself “God” and starts the “Eternal Man” political party. You can imagine how this ends, but you won’t believe how it gets there. Featuring musical contributions from a very young Frank Zappa; you won’t see this one anywhere else anytime soon, so you’d best see it now. And for true Zappa fans (of which I am decidedly not), TCM’s showing 200 Motels right after this one.
5. DOUBLE FEATURE ALERT: The Ghost Of Yotsuya (1959)
IFC, Sunday, October, 26 8am Goke, Body Snatcher from Hell (1968)
IFC, Sunday, October 26, 9:30am
Wake up! Japanese horror artifacts, bright and early on a Sunday morning. While they’re all heading out to church, you’re chillin’ with The Ghost Of Yotsuya, that time-honored story of the samurai’s wife whose spirit returns to avenge her death at her husband’s hands. And while they’re all lining up for breakfast, glue yourself to the icky Goke, Body Snatcher From Hell, concerning a silvery snot monster-cum-psychic vampire that looks like the Terminator’s load, and enters its victims through a vulva-like gash in the forehead.
Dust-covered, sun-faded, plastic-reinforced rental boxes perched on shelves of video stores have outlived their utility. Closeout vendors for these outlets have come and gone. You gotta get your weird, wild movie fix off the Internet, or the old-fashioned way: off of late-night cable. Films From The Cable Afterlife returns again this week to guide you through the maze of last year’s dross to find the good stuff. (All listings in EST.)
8. Black Book (2006)
Starz, Tuesday, October 21, 3:40am
The return of monster Dutch cult cinema maven Paul Verhoeven (RoboCop, Basic Instinct, Total Recall) landed a bit more quietly than some might have hoped, but them’s the breaks when you use subtitles. Pretty sure that Verhoeven could care less, though; his comeback feature is a more personal tale concerning a comely Jewish refugee (Carice van Houten) who leads a resistance effort against the Nazis near the end of the war. All of Verhoeven’s visceral filmmaking tricks are back in play, though this time they’re lashed to the trunk of an old-timey espionage thriller. That it’s a somewhat long story doesn’t help its fortunes, either, but there’s some very nearly Ilsa-level debasement going on within, and since the grand guignol filmmaking boom of a few years back (Hostel and the like) has gone bust, fans of the outrageous need to take it where they can get it.
7. Apocalypto (2005)
Encore, Tuesday, October 21, 4:05am, STARZ INBLACK, Friday, October 24, 2am
We can’t watch Mel Gibson with the same eyes anymore, but we all remember his intensity; even in comedies he seemed ready to shake the film loose from the sprockets. His last effort to date, Apocalypto, may never get the audience it might otherwise warrant. That’s all well and good, but if you do decide to jump in with this one, understand that it’s not too far removed from your jungle/cannibal massacre movies of the late '70s and early '80s. Take that as a recommendation or a warning.
6. The Driver (1978)
Fox Movie Channel, Wednesday, October 22, 4pm, Thursday, October 23, 4am
Walter Hill’s second feature is a stark, open affair with nameless characters chasing one another to justice. Ryan O’Neal is a getaway driver, and Bruce Dern the detective bent on stopping him. Hill has been one of the leading names in action and thriller cinema since the ‘70s, and most of his films have the same gut-punch as Samuel Fuller or Sam Peckinpah in their respective primes. Hill’s cooled-out style makes every instance where this one amps up that much more gripping, and the driving stunts can’t be beat.
5. The Little Girl Who Lives Down The Lane (1976)
Turner Classic Movies, Saturday, October 18, 12:30am
Super-creepy thriller starring a young Jodie Foster (with a nude scene, doubled by her sister, Connie) as a teenage girl who lives with her father in a seaside rental. Thing is, nobody’s actually seen the father, and anyone who questions the arrangement is dispensed with. A taut, unnerving psychological thriller from Foster’s blossoming days as an actress, also starring Martin Sheen and Scott “Bad Ronald” Jacoby. Sleazier than you might think, with a smut pedigree that’s somewhat shocking now, but par for the course with the film’s drive-in roots.
Back at it with the exhumed remnants of the late night/early morning tele-ghetto … movies made to blow your mind, and a few that actually succeed. Films From The Cable Afterlife dives forth into more cinematic mayhem as we sink deeper into Shocktober (and as usual, times based on EST).
8. The Beast Within (1982)
IFC, Saturday, October 11, 12am, 3am
This one hails from back when rape was, sadly, more commonly exploited in movies, and the story of this one is actually driven by the act itself. A teenage boy, raised from a sexual assault between a newlywed and some bug monster, starts the molting process himself, lookin’ for somewhere to stow his seed. I cringe at the thought of the pitch meeting for this one, but it’s a rough and nasty gore film that’ll stick with you, perhaps a bit longer than you’d like. Ronny Cox, Bibi Besch and a bunch of Sam Peckinpah’s players star.
7. The Midnight Meat Train (2008)
FearNET, Free On-Demand
Its trailer got jeered before Rambo and its fate was sealed from there on. The latest adaptation of a Clive Barker story (this one culled from The Books Of Blood) got dumped by its distributor, Lionsgate, into 100 theaters back in August, and is bypassing DVD to make its premiere on FearNET, free to cable subscribers with on-demand service. You’ll have to endure an intermission while the studio shoves Saw V trailers down your throat, but the content of the movie is uncut. Bradley Cooper stars as a wannbee-Weegie style photographer who tracks Vinnie Jones as he hacks up passengers on the subway. Significant amounts of gore and some of the best praise in years from horror fanatics should entice you to stick through leaden acting by Brooke Shields. Japan’s Ryuhei Kitamura (Versus) directs.
6. 99 & 44/100% Dead (1974)
Fox Movie Channel, Wednesday, October 15, 4am
Considered at the time to be a low point for manly director John Frankenheimer (The Manchurian Candidate, 52 Pick-Up, Ronin), 99 & 44/100% Dead has aged oh-so-well. Think of it as day-glo noir, a pop-art explosion of gunfire and fantasy, helmed by Richard Harris as dapper gangster Harry Crown, out to get his girl and avenge louche street lord Big Eddie (Bradford Dillman). There’s a lot of eye-searing color, screaming lounge music, and Chuck Connors as a hitman named Marvin “Claw” Zuckerman, complete with JJ Arms-style killing attachments. (The title sequence has even been deemed one of the top 25 of all time, as seen in the below clip.)
5. Death Hunt (1981)
Cinemax, Saturday, October 11, 4:40am
Charles Bronson and Lee Marvin, together in the same movie. Find the toughest chewable substance in your place – a spatula, a leather coat, a rawhide dog toy, a stress ball, a Rubbermaid container. This movie is tougher than all of them. These two indestructible piles of brawn square off in the Yukon, when a trapper’s gesture of peace forces him to murder anyone who crosses his path. That’s hair growing out of your chest, just from thinking about this movie.
Back to the delirious well of cinematic by-products, culled with two hands out of this week’s cable TV listings. You haven’t seen this kind of action since your video store got rid of VHS tapes. Films from the Cable Afterlife enters Shocktober 2008 with a look at lurid scares and desperate dramas for a desperate time (and as always make sure to check your local listings).
8. The Rose (1979)
Fox Movie Channel, Sunday 10/5 10pm
This movie has been on my personal recommendation list for a while, and it’s not hard to tell why: It’s 101 percent insane. Like, bat-shit, pants-crapping insane, and if that sort of thing intrigues you, then treat yourself. Bette Midler cuts huge gashes in her psychic cloth, never to be repaired, in a go-for-broke portrayal of a Janis Joplin-esque rocker over the last few days of her life. You also get Alan Bates barking platitudes like “Welcome to rock and roll!” and a supremely creepy scene with Midler’s former lesbian flame. But really I shouldn’t reveal too much more if you haven’t seen it. It’s classic melodrama; stagey and tacky given its date, but so mind-searingly direct and painful that you will likely be changed after having seen it. Allegedly this was Johnny Carson’s favorite movie. Find out why.
7. DOUBLE FEATURE ALERT DeepStar Six (1989)
Encore Action, Tuesday 10/7 10:20am Deep Rising (1998)
Encore Action, Tuesday 10/7 11:35pm
The first of a few underwater sci-fi movies to surface in the late ‘80s, along with Leviathan and The Abyss, Sean S. Cunningham’s DeepStar Six made no bones about what it had set out to do: introduce a squad of actors living in a model of a deep sea research center to a giant crustacean intent on eating them. While it could use a little more drawn butter (hunky lead Greg Evigan of My Two Dads fame doesn’t cut it), this is the most fun of any of its kind of film, ridiculous as it is watchable, in no small part thanks to great character actors like Miguel Ferrer as a backstabbing loudmouth whose skin splits open as he escapes the facility without decompressing. Then towel off with Deep Rising, as Treat Williams rides jet skis through a wrecked cruise ship besieged by hydrophilic squid creatures.
6. BLAXPLOITATION TRIPLE FEATURE ALERT Coffy (1973)
IFC, Wednesday 10/8 9pm, Thursday 10/9 12:15am Foxy Brown (1974)
IFC, Wednesday 10/8 10:35pm, Thursday 10/9 2am Brotherhood Of Death (1976)
IFC, Saturday 10/4 4:30am Trouble Man (1972)
Looks like a great week for blaxploitation on cable, with some of the genre’s finest joined by a handful of films rarely screened. Jack Hill made Coffy and Foxy Brown back-to-back with budding starlet Pam Grier, and they’re both among the greatest successes of early ‘70s action cinema. Both films depict a righteous, powerful firebrand in Grier, whether she’s kicking heroin and clawing some hick’s eyes out with coat hangers, or slipping razor blades into her afro and getting into a catfight. The action continues with the slopfest Brotherhood Of Death, an off-season bon mot for Washington Redskins Mike Thomas and Roy Jefferson as two Nam vets who drive the Klan out of suburban Maryland. And if you’ve never seen Trouble Man, with Robert Hooks sticking it to Papa Walton Ralph Waite, it’s worth at least one look, particularly due to its moody Marvin Gaye score.
5. LARRY CLARK TRIPLE FEATURE ALERT Another Day In Paradise (1997)
Showtime Extreme, Tuesday 10/7 8:05pm, Wednesday 10/8 3:15am Bully (2001)
IFC, Monday 10/6 12am Wassup Rockers (2005)
Sundance Channel, Wednesday 10/8 4pm, Thursday 10/9 1pm
Here’s a great triple feature, highlighting the best films of director Larry Clark. Famous first as a photographer, then as a director following Kids, the Tulsa-born visual artist hit a streak of passion projects that rank among the more significant American independent offerings of the last decade. Another Day In Paradise is Clark’s most traditionally Hollywood film in scope, and the small-time criminal story didn’t make a lot of waves. Still, it features top-notch performances from Melanie Griffith and a beaming, unruly James Woods as a junkie couple who teach their thieving, drug-dealing ways to young scrappers Natasha Gregson Wagner (where is she now?) and Mad Men’s Vincent Kartheiser. It’s a period film – some indeterminate ‘60s or ‘70s stretch of nowhere America – and the music and details are down cold. Bully might be Clark’s most successful film as pure cinema, but it’s every inch as lurid as his previous works would have you believe, anchored by brutal performances from Nick Stahl and the late Brad Renfro. Wassup Rockers was Clark’s last feature, and definitely his loosest, a loving romp with a group of Latino skater teens from the barrio to Beverly Hills. Almost conversational in its presence, Clark makes you care about these kids, no matter how absurd the situation.
Stuck to the bottom of the cable network floor, these unattended delicacies might otherwise have fallen through the cracks. Lucky for you we have a nose for crap. Films From The Cable Afterlife returns with the top seven mind-scrambling movie suggestions for the coming week. We’re also heading into October, aka Shocktober, so expect a dive into uncharted territory. But for now, read, watch and learn (and as always, check your local listings for proper airtimes).
7. DOUBLE FEATURE ALERT Night of the Lepus (1972)
TCM, Saturday 9/27 2am The Giant Claw (1957)
TCM, Saturday 9/27 3:30am
Bottom of the barrel creach-feach that you may want to see at least once, but probably not more than that. Lepus is a busted-sprockets classic about a little kid who tampers with an agricultural survey, resulting in a herd of giant rabbits that threatens to devour the Southwest. The rabbits smash miniatures, growl like lions and are accompanied by some of the most nauseating audio ever featured in a film, via an undulating carpet of synth imitating the sound of boiling whale fat. There’s one nightmarish scene where a screaming little girl watches a migrant worker get pulled into a hole by a rabbit with ketchup around its mouth, but the downtrodden tone and preposterous premise taken seriously by wooden actors like Stuart Whitman and Star Trek's DeForest Kelley keep everything in the gutter. Saddle-brown sets and flat cinematography make the movie look like a Sears. It’s so ludicrous that you wish they’d have simply dispensed with the story and went with whatever the filmmakers were trying to say. Afterwards, TCM features late ‘50s bird-dropping The Giant Claw, all about an enormous buzzard from outer space that destroys cities, fishes teens out of their hot rods and cannot be destroyed. It’s a big guilt-complex movie, a stern Catholic warning that some unbelievable, unknown force is going to kill you violently, for no reason, because you stole a pack of baseball cards once when you were a kid.
6. The Burning (1981)
IFC, Thursday 10/2 9pm, 1:45am
Mean-spirited upstate slasher from the time when such movies were a staple of the American movie industry. This one’s a little more notable than most, as it was the first Miramax production, and features a cast full of actors who later became something: Holly Hunter, Jason Alexander and Fisher Stevens all show up to summer camp, only to get cut up with lawn shears by a vengeful handyman, burned alive in a prank gone wrong years ago. Brian Backer (Mark Ratner from Fast Times At Ridgemont High) stars as the misunderstood pervert who is mistaken for the real killer. Bad vibes, bad for you.
5. Shooter (2007)
Showtime, Fri 9/26, 7pm
There’s a backstory in this long, classically modeled revenge film, but you needn’t concern yourself with it. Rather, tune in around 8 p.m., or fast forward an hour on your DVR, and just watch it from there. You’ll figure out everything that happened in the movie as it runs, and you’ll jump to all the crazy-insane Mark Wahlberg headshot sniper kill scenes. Ned Beatty is one of the villains, and Danny Glover too. Opposite day happens every time this movie is shown.
4. Hard Target (1993)
Encore, Wednesday 10/1, 4:15am
John Woo used to be so great. Sam Raimi, too. See them work together to wrassle firebrand Jean Claude Van Damme into Cajun territory, as a journeyman dockworker who plays The Most Dangerous Game against Lance Henriksen and a band of no-gooders. Ridiculous in every sense, Hard Target brings a wild, visceral, “anything goes” mindset to the standard Bayou action thriller. Plus, how many of these movies have Wilford Brimley with that accent? Van Damme was never better, unless you count Tsui Hark’s Knock Off (which I hope gets shown on cable soon … that is the one to watch).
You asked for it, and you got it: even more picks out of the clogged nose of cable television. These are the movies “they” don’t want you to watch, containing all the blood, guts, unintentional hilarity and genuine weirdness that the bowels of Hollywood have to offer this week. Set up your DVR and grab these top nine (and as usual, check your local listings for proper showtimes).
9. Joanna (1968)
Fox Movie Channel, Thurs 9/25 2:00 P.M.
Beyond-bizarre, high-camp melancholy starring Genevieve Paige (Bijou Phillips’ mom) in the title role of a well-meaning but clueless young mod pinballing through art school, London society, and a life of crime. Director Michael Sarne was a former pop singer, and if he didn’t necessarily have good taste, he certainly knew how to stage a scene─his next movie was Myra Breckinridge, a tremendous X-rated flop in which Rex Reed is turned into Raquel Welch. It’s hard to even sum up what’s going on in Joanna, but the amount of money spent making it happen is right up there on the screen. It also features a young Donald Sutherland, who plays dying royalty like he’s trying to win a Dewey Award, loads of dated film treatments and a huge dance number to close it all up. Scott Walker sings the movie’s theme song, right in the middle, in a sequence worth watching. It’s a massive trainwreck of a film, but gorgeous in so many moments.
8. Death Sentence (2007)
Cinemax, Fri 9/19 8:00 P.M., and OnDemand
Hockey dad Kevin Bacon retaliates against the multicultural South Carolina street gang that murdered his son in this recent revenge thriller, the kind that you just don’t see enough of anymore. This is prime Golan-Globus level material─senseless violence gutted by hilarious improbabilities in service of the story, based on source material by Death Wish author Brian Garfield and directed by Saw’s James Wan. Wan displays a sense of reverence to the material, with a gripping centerpiece scene that runs a foot race into a parking garage and culminates with Bacon tying up a guy in a car and pushing it off the roof. Co-starring Garrett Hedlund (who?), Kelly Preston and John Goodman in a really regrettable role as a Falling Down-style grease monkey who fences guns.
7. Halloween III: Season Of The Witch (1982)
Cinemax (ThrillerMax), Thu 9/25 3:15 A.M.
Sing along with me! “THREE MORE DAYS TIL HALLOWEEN! SILLLL-VERRRR SHAMROCK!” One of the worst-received sequels of all time─one which squashed plans to deliver a new, non-Michael Myers-involved Halloween movie every year─actually holds up as one of the more entertaining seasonal horror films you could hope to discover. Medical doctor and concerned dad Tom Atkins squares off against the warlock-run organization that plans to kill millions of children using special Halloween masks; each contains microchips made from Stonehenge, and will cause the tots’ heads to explode in a mass of bugs, worms and slime. It plays like a long episode of Tales From The Darkside, albeit way more enjoyable.
6. Joshua (2007)
Cinemax (MoreMax), Fri 9/19 5:45 P.M.;
Cinemax (OuterMax), Sat 9/20, 1:00 P.M;
Cinemax (WMax), Sun 9/21 11:00 A.M., Wed 9/24 9:50 A.M.
Overlooked at its initial release, here’s an unpleasant, unnerving thriller about a stockbroker (Sam Rockwell) whose life begins to come apart at the seams following the birth of his daughter. No sense in hiding it now─the culprit is likely nine-year-old prodigy Joshua (Jacob Kogan, one of the kids from Wonder Showzen), who’s moving up from killing his stuffed animals to his grandma. Vera Farmiga can’t find footing as the mom, who goes slowly insane, but Rockwell hangs on until the bitter end, director George Ratliff sticking it to his cool, rich-dad persona as hard as it can be stuck. This one’s down there with Bad Ronald and Bloody Birthday as a dark, miserable pit of child-induced anguish. Musical score provided by indie-classical crossover hotshot Nico Muhly, braying in glee at the most inopportune times.
There will always be at least a handful of movies on television during any given week with the power to warp your mind, plunge your head straight into the trash and have you asking for more. We document these cinematic rarities each week in Films From The Cable Afterlife.
Going back to last week, how many of you got it together enough to watch Together Brothers? That was pretty wild, man. Galveston, Texas looked like the most desolate place on earth, children were thrust into danger, and who expected the drag queens to show up? Outta hand, folks. Discuss amongst yourselves in the Comments section. But for now, enjoy this teaser of the next week's most watchable unwatchable cable obscurities. And remember to check your local listings for accurate showtimes.
5. Shopping (1994; d. Paul W.S. Anderson)
IFC, Sunday September 14th, 12:15 – 2:00 A.M.
Early Paul W.S. Anderson “appreciation” continues (see: last week's breakdown of Event Horizon) with his first feature, starring Jude Law and Sadie Frost as disaffected British teens who participate in “ram-riding,” or stealing expensive cars and driving them through shop windows, then stealing the goods inside. Banned in several London theaters for its suggestive violence, and issued by Roger Corman two years after its 1994 UK premiere, this mess at least has a great soundtrack going for it, featuring cuts by Sabres of Paradise, Smith and Mighty and Utah Saints (!). More interesting than that of his follow-up, Mortal Kombat. Still, it’s a crucial step in knowing your enemy, particularly if your enemy is a hack like Anderson.
4. Where Have All the People Gone? (1974; d. John Llwellyn Moxey)
Fox Movie Channel, Tuesday September 16th, 4:30 – 6:00 A.M.
Say you’re one of those kinds of people who decides to go out on a Monday night. You d stay out until 4 a.m. getting loaded with the handful of others who have adapted to this sort of life. You wind up going home and look to TV to help you to unwind. Not this time, pal. Where Have All The People Gone? is a sneak attack surprise, a made-for-TV science fiction movie designed to terrify and harass viewers into lifelong phobias. Peter Graves, Verna Bloom and a young Kathleen Quinlan star as a family trying to return to Malibu following the eruption of a solar flare that has turned most of humanity to dust, and made animals vicious and insane. Made on a tight budget, the film’s shocking imagery, like the remnants of a woman’s anguished face sitting atop a pile of white powder, serves as a ruiner, searing scarring memories into your consciousness that you may never be able to shake. And since it’s from the ‘70s, expect the downbeat ending, and for everything to be less OK in the end thank when it started.
