As discussed in a recent article about Chris Williams, aka Curb Your Enthusiasm's Krazee-Eyez Killa, aka Vanessa Williams' brother, there's a good reason to herald the DVR: So we miss commercials that feature familiar faces from the small and silver screens, slumming it to make a buck and hoping no one puts two and two together.
There an alarming number of these instances, and it's always a bit like driving by a Burger King in your hometown and seeing the most popular kid from high school flipping patties for potheads. And frankly, you kind of wonder what keeps them clinging to the desperate quest for a Hollywood breakthrough when it might just be easier to manage one of the franchises they shill for.
And today we turn our charitable efforts toward poor, puffy faced Frederick Koehler, who has slid down the slippery ladder of success from playing Chip on Kate And Allie 25 years ago to pushing diarrhetic breakfast on old codgers for 30-second Fiber One spots.
You may remember a week or so ago when I posted an item simply entitled "Toastee Sucks," referring to the recently booted booty-shakin' porn model/cast member of I Love Money. Well, consider this the second installment in what may be yet another recurring NCDSUV feature. The idea being that such-and-such pseudo-celebrity just kind of sucks, and it merely needs to be said.
David Blaine sucks. Observing his antics, on prime time no less, is akin to watching an asshole jock from high school beat you up and then rub it in by climbing a skyscraper like Spider-Man to avoid getting caught by the principal.
Even when the guy gets broadcast hanging upside down for 60 hours over Central Park, he flaunts his arrogance by lamenting some botched bravura ending featuring helium balloons.
Admit it: We're all secretly hoping on one of Blaine's tricks will go disastrously wrong eventually. Not because we're bad people, but because he's so unlikeable our consciences have reconciled the tradeoff of him sustaining serious injury to edify our morbid curiosity.
And because he seems like a prick who uses "magic" on national television to ensure a parade of poontang wherever he goes. God, he sucks.
Unlike when we teased you last week with a possible new regular feature, this one might be for keeps. With the oversaturation of channels on TV, the sheer amount of micro-editing that goes into overly produced series and the abundance of opinions being splattered around by commentators and pundits in real-time, some really dumb, or hilariously suggestive things, are bound to be uttered. And they're almost always better taken out of context.
This week's awards for TV Personalities Who Say The Darndest Things go to:
Every so often, there's a film that comes along with the best of intentions─to titillate, educate, entertain, moralize, bust taboos, whatever the case─and instead, winds up drowning in a mess of mixed messages, poorly executed talent and an embarrassing miscalculation of its core participants' public goodwill.
These are not your average so-bad-they're-good cult classics or even obviously targeted flops. These are movies that teeter on harmless respectability, but veer reprehensibly into some netherworld where consideration of the intended audience was either removed from the creative process, or they were deemed nuance-deficient and desperate to have their intellect and emotions manipulated.
This feature is here to celebrate those corporately financed, hilariously misconceived debacles. And we begin with a preternaturally worthy entry, brought to us from the king of formulaic-but-passably-weird comedies, Adam Sandler.