Well, ladies and gents, we can now move ahead toward a time of economic prosperity and racial harmony, because Barack Obama has been sworn into office. What's that? You're still unemployed and your boss keeps referring to you by prejudiced terminology? Oh, bummer. Guess one man can't change everything.
But even if you haven't been swept up in Obama-as-Messiah fever (ironic given his presidency signals an end to high government as guise for holier-than-thou demagoguery), we can all agree it was pretty sweet to see George W. Bush (and don't call him Prez) sent off on that helicopter one last time.
Not as sweet as seeing the likes of Mike Myers and Cameron Diaz get sliced and diced by the Razzies of course. So without any last-minute presidential pardoning, here are the top 5 things we learned this week.
5. Katy Perry may pretend she likes to kiss girls and is preciously cute when calling other people gay, but apparently she'll settle for nothing but the straight dish when tabloids report on her sex life, or lack thereof.
4. Britney Spears is somehow being raked over the coals for the suggestive phonetic pronunciation of her new single. Meanwhile, no one raised an ounce of cain over Van Halen's non-too-subliminal epithet placement within the titular acronym of their 1991 album. Guess parents were less afraid of Sammy Hagar gettin' their teenage tots in a heated lather.
Yes, this is my life: Scouring the wires for stories about adolescent celebrities because I missed the boat on formerly teenaged Hollywood elite getting busted for assault, like loathsome Kelly Osbourne.
But alas, aren't those preciously lucky daughters of Barack Obama, Malia and Sasha, the luckiest little twosome on earth? Because while their mother, Michelle, was giving daddy his first presidential knob-polisher, they were having their hormones manipulated via a visit from The Jonas Brothers last night.
Unbelievable. I get within 100 feet of the White House fence and am considered a threat to national security, but slap on a tux and single a few Disney-friendly ditties and you're ushered in like Secret Service to make an inaugural bid for the hearts of the two most powerful pre-teen girls in the world.
During today's inaugural luncheon for President Barack Obama, Senator Ted Kennedy apparently suffered a seizure and was removed from the premises.
No further details about the incident or his condition are known at this time, but the venerable Congressman and health-care-reform warrior was, of course, diagnosed with cancer last May.
It's an auspicious beginning to Obama's tenure in the White House, but well wishes go out to Kennedy and his family.
January 20. Every four to eight years, depending on whether there's a second term, it becomes the day that a new
president is sworn in. And today, Barack Obama, the 44th (and first
black) president will be the focus of the whole world's attention. It
also happens to be my birthday.
It always seemed like people who were
born on Christmas had it bad. They have to share their
b-day with Jesus, and frankly who are you compared to the son of God?
But let me tell ya, it's nothing compared to sharing yours
with the biggest historical event of our lives.
Quick news flash, in case this small detail has escaped your attention, despite its corresponding event poignantly taking place the day after Martin Luther King Day. And, oh, regardless of it coming on the heels of domestic economic collapse and international diplomatic uncertainty that stems almost exclusively from the errors of George Bush's administration.
But, just in case you spent the last two-plus months stuck in a water-logged airplane floating atop the Hudson River's surface, Barack Obama is being sworn in as our President tomorrow. And Bush will spend his remaining days in a manic, Richard Nixon-like stooper of self-doubt and bullish, unapologetic self-assuredness.
I could overstate the siginficance of the precipice we're currently perched upon, but I'm just going to use the final pre-Obama NCDSUV post to let us all take a deep, collective breath and soak that in.
Ohhhhh yeah. It's like taking a bubble bath in a tub of Democracy, ain't it? Just make sure to keep it out of your eyes. That shit burns.
A couple months back, NCDSUV began broadcasting a new feature known as Just Because, highlighting something inane, obscurely amazing or just plain jaw-dropping from the outlines of pop culture and viral content.
These differ from, say, insanely retarded local ads, or eccentric YouTube karaoke performers,
which can be grouped into their own self-referencing regular
spotlights. Nor do they need to be burdened by standards of timeliness
or having been as-yet-unearthed.
They are the standalone wonders of the cybersphere that made us all
get a computer in the first place, and occasionally need to be inserted
into a day of normal online programming. Just because.
So while the last installment of Just Because celebrated the late Estelle Getty's giddy inhabitation of wiseass Golden Girls matriarch Sophia Petrillo, today we hop in our pop-culture time machine to 1994, and in recognition of Barack Obama's impending inauguration, revisit an unforgettable moment in political-office swearing-in history, and its 14th anniversary.
They say Levi Johnston, soon-to-be-husband of Bristol Palin, son of recent drug-ring arrestee Sherry Johnston and future-son-in law of Alaskan Governor/never-would-have-been-VP candidate Sarah Palin, is an apprentice electrician. Sounds more to me like the only apprenticeship he'll never graduate from is being indentured in the Palin family for all the rest of his eternally damned days.
As you likely heard through the apple-blossom-vine, the Palin/Johnston child-bearing tandem gave birth this past Sunday to Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston. Which means their son has two options: Become a stately senator who spawns generations of same-named kin, or a racecar driver. But the only one behind the wheel of poor Levi's life is his socially Satanic (er, I mean conservative) surrogate mom, Sarah, especially now that Levi's matriarch somehow trumps her in hypocritical irresponsibility.
In a s statement, Sarah and her husband Todd referred to Levi rather coldly as "the young man," and remarked that he and Bristol are "going to realize very quickly the difficulties of raising a child."
Which is code for, "You fucked up and impregnated our underage daughter with your demon dick, and because of our puritanical value system and misguided run for major governmental candidacy, you're stuck owning up to that decision by raising this kid when you're barely old enough to have voted for me and John McCain, and then marrying Bristol and sacrificing all your individual hopes and dreams."
Sucks to be you kid. Well, both Levi and Tripp that is.
Ah, the last week before the Christmas-time blitz of abusive commercialism and schmaltzy, ceremonial sentimentality. A time for celebrities to get one last headline blast before the world pretends to care about religion and family more than the dogma of tabloid culture for a few days.
Fortunately for us, there was no shortage of boob-flashing, divorce scuttlebutt and rehab-hyjinks. So without further prolonged pause, here are the top five things we here at NCDSUV (and we hope you as well) have learned this week:
4. Tara Reid, not to be outdone by her more youthful underlings Lindsay Lohan et al, finally went into rehab for undisclosed reasons. We're guessing it's because she's been chronically addicted to an illicit co-dependent substance, but what the heckfire do we know?
Pop quiz: What's more gratifying? Finding out that Levi Johnston's mother, Sherry Johnston, was arrested on six (!) counts of felony, narcotics-related misconduct, or reading about on FOX News' website? Trick question. They're equally heeeelarious.
So wait, you're surprised that the mother of an underaged Alaskan teenager who tattooed Bristol Palin's name on his ring finger would be white trash enough to get embroiled in a massive drug stakeout? I mean, with the hundreds of thousands of dollars his mother-in-law-to-be, Sarah Palin, spent on classing up her wardrobe and, by proxy, the reputation of her Hills Have Eyes-worthy extended family, this was no doubt a shock to several unsuspecting citizens.
Man, oh man, if only this news emerged during the election. Would have been pretty fascinating to see the conservative spinmeisters turn this into further evidence for Palin's persistence in the face of constant personal turmoil.
Ugh, I just got post-election hangover douchechills.
Oh Republicans: out of power, in the wilderness, adrift at sea, cast
away, lost. Where will you go? Who will you turn to? Our suggestion?
The cast of Lost. See, while the Democrats have managed to out-strategize,
out-fundraise and out-spend them, there's one area where Republicans
still hold an advantage, and that's turning bad actors into successful
politicians.
Even while the Dems
pull the celebrity endorsements, celebrity money and celebrity votes,
it's the Republicans who've proven that they can run a celebrity
candidate, and the worse the actor, the more successful the politician
he becomes.
Think about it. Clint Eastwood: talented actor, didn't make it past
Mayor Of Carmel. Ronald Reagan: co-starred with a chimp in Bedtime For Bonzo
and became President Of The United States. What's better is that,
unlike a winning on-the-ground organization or intellectual
infrastructure, the Democrats can't seem to co-opt this strategy. Even
Al Franken,
who not only starred in, but co-wrote, Stewart Saves His Family, is
barely squeaking by in the Minnesota Senate recount.
Whether it's the
good hair, straightforward diction, or child-like emotional simplicity, the fact is, Republican voters love to pull the lever
for really shitty performers. So while the mainstream media argues
over whether Sarah Palin or Bobby Jindal
are the next conservative standard bearers, we look back on the top bad-actors-turned-successful-Republican- politicians, and give you a sneak
peak at some current Hollywood stars the Grand Old Party should get
busy recruiting.
8. Alan Autry
You might remember Fresno Mayor Alan Autry as Captain Bubba Skinner
from the popular(ish) TV show In The Heat Of The Night, in which case
you might have too much time on your hands. Still, Autry shares a lot
in common with some of his more famous compatriots on this list; he's
beefy with weird hair and just a little bit of stupid around the eyes.
With In The Heat's cancellation, Autry was able to parlay his role as
a Southern cop learning racial tolerance in the new south to it's next
logical step: an outspoken opponent of gay rights in the State Of
California. Most Likely Hollywood Political Successor: Vin Diesel. He's got those stupid eyes.
7.George Lloyd Murphy George
Lloyd Murphy is the granddaddy of them all. When this 1930s B-movie
star won his California Senate seat he proved that the jump from
unremarkable actor to elected official wasn't quite as far as any
correct thinking individual would have hoped. In fact, Reagan once
called Murphy his John the Baptist, because Reagan thought he was
Jesus, even before he had Alzheimer's. Aside from paving the way for
Reagan and just about everyone else on this list, Murphy is famous for
having said in defense of the laws governing migrant workers that
Mexicans were genetically suited to farm labor;
because they were "built lower to the ground," which of course made it
"easier for them to stoop." Most Likely Hollywood Political Successor: Ronald Reagan. Duh.
6. Jesse "The Body" Ventura OK,
he's an Independent, and not technically a Republican, but he's an
Independent Libertarian which, if you ask Ron Paul, is the same thing.
Plus, he's got everything a Republican wrestler-turned actor-turned
politician could want, he likes to point his finger in people's chests
and yell, he's brawny, smokes cigars and was in the cast of The Predator(along with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sonny Landham
who unsuccessfully ran for Governor of Kentucky in 2002 and who isn't
on this list cause he was actually a worse politician than he was an
actor). He doesn't have good hair, but on the bright side, he also
wasn't a good actor, and when he shaves his head he looks kind of like
a penis, which makes him look virile, which voters love. Most Likely Hollywood Political Successor: I'm tempted to go with 2000 Republican Convention speaker The Rock,
cause you know they're both wrestlers and stuff, but I'm gonna go with
Jason Statham since he's also bald, has a propensity for poking people in the chest and an uncanny ability to
play the same character in every movie he's ever been in.
5. Shirley Temple Black
And now it's time for the ladies! Well, lady. But what a lady! She
lived the fairy tale. Child star grows up, marries a handsome man just
out of the army, divorces him, then goes on to marry an older plutocrat
and run unsuccessfully for Congress on a strongly pro-Vietnam platform.
She dared us all to dream. Still, despite the unsuccessful Congressional run, she had quite the political career as an official diplomat
under Richard Nixon, because although she didn't have the rugged good looks
and/or penis required to win an election as a Republican at the time,
she sure had crazy hair. Most Likely Hollywood Political Successor: The future Mrs. Dakota Fanning Murdoch.
