Here we go with another ridiculous Films From The Cable Afterlife. As usual, we scour the cable movie listings and turn up some diamonds, and lots of the rough. For best results, watch both. Your life may improve! 8. Mystery Of Monster Island (1981) Fox Movie Channel, Wednesday, February 3, 4am Unbelievable pile of crap by Juan Piquer Simon, one of the worst directors of the 20th century (he's also responsible for X-rated chainsaw slasher Pieces, MST3K fodder Pod People and K-Tel Films release The Supersonic Man). How a major studio found their way around distributing this one is anybody's guess (a series of blowjobs, perhaps), but you will never see Terence Stamp look more embarrassed. Watch if you dare.
7. DOUBLE FEATURE ALERT Pumpkin Karver (2006) The Movie Channel, Saturday, January 31, 12am Pumpkinhead (1988) IFC, Saturday, January 31, 1:35am The stars have aligned: two pumpkin-related horror movies back-to-back on the same night. Different networks, but still, work with me here. Friday Night Lights' Minka Kelly stars in the serial killer/Juggalo-style horror dumper Pumpkin Karver, while Lance Henriksen conjures up a demon to kill bikers in Stan Winston's minor classic Pumpkinhead. It's "Pumpkininny!"
6. Booty Call (1997) Cinemax (@MAX), Sunday, February 1, 8:05pm; Cinemax (WMAX), Monday, February 2, 6:50pm; Cinemax, Tuesday, February 3, 8:30pm Boisterous, offensive and couthless, Booty Call is actually one of the funnier comedies of the late '90s, and deserves another look. Jamie Foxx and Vivica A. Fox (playing characters named Bunz and Lysterine, respectively), join Tommy Davidson, a fake Indian guy, a dog that barks "Nigga Please!" in subtitles (and one Gedde Watanabe, willing to take any role no matter the stereotype, saying "Nigga Preese" in a Chinese restaurant), some hilarious orange pants, an incident with Saran Wrap as dental dam and some dude named Ug Lee. There's no one who won't be upset in its 79 minute runtime, but I don't think it'd work any other way. Watch it and pick your jaw up off the floor.
5. Ladies And Gentlemen The Fabulous Stains (1981) Turner Classic Movies, Saturday, January 31, 2am I hope that now this one has finally made it onto DVD, and not from some bootleg version that's been duped a thousand times from a Betamax that caught it on Showtime in the '80s, that we can see this legendary unreleased film for what it is: kind of a stinker. Still, there's never been anything like it before or since, and it's a fun time with a message. Teenagers Diane Lane and Laura Dern start a makeshift punk band that lands an opening spot for the fake real punk band The Looters, featuring Sex Pistols Steve Jones and Paul Cook, The Clash's Paul Simonon and fronted by actor Ray Winstone. They create a media circus and have it all collapse on them within days, but it's a good enough time, also starring Fee Waybill from The Tubes and a special (awesome) appearance from Black Randy and the Metrosquad. Join the professionals!
Welcome to NCDSUV's splenetic, embittered new weekly feature, Overdressed & Underclassed, which with each installment will dissect a different aspect of celebrity fashion with the enthusiasm and exactitude of a taxidermist suffering from the second clinical phase of rabies (caution: We have reached the contagious stage).
Perhaps it's the prospect of facing the rest of a remarkably long, brutally cold winter and yet another tacktastic awards season; alternatively, a totally unexpected wave of good vibes is washing over me from the political changes in the air. Either way, instead of the nip of bitter grog I generally crave to counteract the effects celebrity fashion has on my parietal lobe, I'm in the mood for something more nourishing, gratifying and sustaining to get me through the inevitable nip slips, butt cleavage and exhausting razzle dazzle the Oscars and the Grammys will inevitably lay at my feet.
So in celebration of celebrities who could (and can) dress themselves, here's a round-up of the vampiest, sassiest, stylishist femme icons who have ever scaled the screen.
8. Mary Tyler Moore The style she brought to the role of working girl Mary Richards in the '70s, both on and offstage, helped make every career gal feel a little bit freer to balance her limitless ambition with her still-potent urge to primp. She made it okay, even sexy, to want to beat down the door to the boy's club at work with a polite smile without breaking a sweat in her sassy separates, vintage hats and quirky peacoats. No other female worker bee, no matter how beloved (not even Carrie Bradshaw or Peggy Olson) will ever give me the same kind of post-feminist, unconflicted case of warm fuzzies. That's right folks. She can turn the world on with her smile... take a nothin' day and make it all worthwhile! Sorry.
7. Katherine Hepburn Like most trailblazers, Kate The Great's singular road created quite a diversion for outraged onlookers from the roaring '20s onward. In a time when most women did a two-step simper, Katherine stridently strolled. When most women squeezed into oxygen-depriving undergarments under too-tight tailored dresses, she luxuriated in baggy, but impeccably tailored men's style pants, flowing shirts and combat-style boots. Even in her dotage, she tooled around on a bike, sat with her feet up and her legs splayed, wore little make-up and unpressed, drably colored clothes that lack any sort of definite shape... and still looked every inch the elegant, sexy, exquisite feminine beauty. She was the original Urbane Tomboy.
6. Brigitte Bardot Brigitte is that rare creature who can balance oooozing Hustler sex appeal with a degree of pre-Raphaelite restraint that renders it sensual, not slutty, even if she is crawling around on the floor in her undies or dancing on top of a bar in a dress that would make Paris Hilton blush. She single-handedly popularized the bikini, the beehive 'do, the bee-stung pout and general '60s-era sexy naif gear of all stripes. Unfortunately, her joie de vivre and stylishness is now less notable than her right-of-Rush Limbaugh political views.
5. Joan Crawford Unlike Katherine, Joan represented the pinnacle of idealized feminine fashion in the '20s and '30's, with wasp-waisted tailoring, exaggerated shoulder pads and breakneck-speed martini-fueled diamond-studded satin, vampy, gauzy glamour. A perpetual engine of reinvention, she sailed through 45 years onscreen portraying whatever America wanted to see in her: rebellious but innocent flapper; working girl/society girl with a heart of gold; psycho bitch; camp queen. Joan's innate ability to seamlessly morph personas paved the way for the tough, ever-changing broads we all have a soft spot who came after. But Joan never appeared to be as calculating or cynical about her image changaroos as, say, Madonna or Britney Spears do.
As even the least loyal NCDSUV content-craver is aware, we love us some daily features. And one of the more popular (at least amongst, well, us and the people who it commemorates) is the Awesome Celebrity Birthday Of The Day,
which acknowledges another turn of the calendar for a member of
Hollywood land, even if it's a celebrity who often goes overlooked by
the rest of the blogosphere, and regardless of whether we have a huge
affinity for their body of work.
And in this historic month of January 2009, the candles have been smothered with saliva for everyone from Danny Pintauro to R. Kelly.
But even the continual erosion of their mortality isn't as awesome as
the annual birthday bashes warranted for these five folks. And of course, a happy cumpleanos feliz in advance for all the b-day boys and girls this coming February.
5. David Johansen Age: 59 Why She's Sort Of Awesome: Not only did
Johansen swagger his way into the punk rock lexicon by fronting sleazy
proto-glam alley-dwellers New York Dolls, but he managed to evade the
heroin heartbreak of bandmate Johnny Thunders and reinvent himself as
postmodern cabaret-lounge performeer Buster Poindexter, and segue that
notoriety into memorable film roles, like his portrayal of the
posthumous cabbie in the Bill Murray vehicle, Scrooged. Oh, and
he even managed to grow his hair back out and hit the studio and tour
circuit with a revamped Dolls in the mid-2000s, rivaling Iggy Pop's
Stooges on the senior punk circuit. Most Likely Celebrity Status 20 Birthdays From Now:
The decade-marking interval between 59 and 79 would seem to fit
Johansen most appropriately. But by the time he's almost hit that 80
mark, one has to imagine the only pace this wildman could handle would
be the slowed-down cool-cat stylings of his once-again-resusciated
Poindexter alter ego. All Apologies To: Joan Baez, Jimmy Page, Dave Matthews, Howie Long, Sergio Garcia
4. Richard Dean Anderson Age: 59 Why He's Sort Of Awesome: Well, for one, the titular character he portrayed during several seasons of MacGyver has become accepted as a cultural verb. But we also gather that, a la recent Awesome Birthday honoree Carl Weathers, Dean Anderson (and don't call him Dick) would have a sense of self-depreciation and, like us, giggle at the fact that in one decade he'll be 69. Most Likely Celebrity Status 20 Birthdays From Now: 79 isn't as innately humorous an age, but that won't stop Dean Anderson from tickling our funny bones by breaking his, in a one-man show about the perils of aging called Fibromyass. All Apologies To: Tiffani Thiessen, Robin Zander, Anita Baker, Rutger Hauer, Anita Pointer
While this release week may bring more anticipated and notable efforts like the Dan Deacon /Adventure split 12" and The Whore Moans' Hello From The Radio Wasteland!, we here at NCDSUV prefer to analyze more futile musical recordings.
Welcome back to Unnecessary Album Releases, a feature in which we highlight the week's most egregiously bizarre, dull and often unpleasant albums from the music industry's "left"er side of the dial. Behold the obscure, the most fantastically superfluous musical curiosas for the week of January 27, 2009.
6. The Guggenheim Grotto, Happy The Man If you prefer your music with a message and featured on poorly scripted family dramas about unwanted teen pregnancies and kids who can't live up to their parent's expectations (think One Tree Hill and Brothers And Sisters), then this second release by Dublin darlings, The Guggenheim Grotto, which teems with the mawkish smell of freshly disposed Kleenex, is sure to make even the unhappiest man happy, man.
5. The Toy Killers, The Unlistenable Years Every so often (let's call it chance), an album title comes along and practically guarantees an excruciating listening experience. Featuring an hour-long, monotonous cacophony of unbridled noise, unheard studio and live material from 1980-'84, The Unlistenable Years is, unbearably, just that.
In spite of overplayed, holiday-themed claims to the contrary, there is nothing wonderful about the wintertime. The weather outside is frightful and the snow is anything but fucking delightful. It just flat-out sucks. And now that Christmas and New Year's are well behind us, there is no silver lining left to get us through this long, bleak period . As we head into the icy heart of the season, we can turn to the movies for some solace and to indulge in a little heartwarming schadenfreude. Old Man Winter may be opening up a can of whoop-ass on you at the moment, but he drops an entire barrelful on the characters in the following snowbound nightmares. So use those frostbitten fingers and count your blessings.
9. Fargo Between the shitty climate and the shittier accents, if hell were to actually freeze over, it would probably look a lot like Brainerd, Minnesota. With nothing to do but work, eat at Arby's and scrape ice off their windshields, it's no wonder the folks in this inert burg are so prone to lethal violence. If you lived here, you'd be making a beeline for that wood chipper, too.
8. Misery Wintertime driving is brutal. From frozen engine blocks, to black ice, to the inevitable blizzard-induced, life-altering accidents, it's a treacherous endeavor regardless of how prepared you think you are. But who needs AAA when you've got the Annie Wilkes Roadside Assistance Program? She'll take you in, feed you, tend to your wounds... and give you new ones when you don't do exactly as she says. Heed those severe storm warnings and stay off the road, or you might end up taking a sledgehammer to the ankles like Sonny Corleone.
7. The Day After Tomorrow How much worse would your walk to work be if you had to deal with wind chill factors of 150 degrees below zero or worry about being chased by timber wolves? When the Ice Age hits New York City (and without a single celebrity voiced mastodon or saber-toothed tiger in sight), Dennis Quaid and a pre-Gyllenspoon Jake Gyllenhaal find out what it would feel like. If the idea of a greenhouse-induced, never-ending winter doesn't scare you into buying reusable bags and getting a Prius, then nothing will.
6. The Sopranos: "Pine Barrens" Although it was technically televised, each episode of The Sopranos always seemed more like a feature film (remember, "It's not TV, it's HBO"). "Pine Barrens" is one of the strongest and most cinematic installments, as Christopher Moltisanti and Paulie Walnuts battle the elements, a Russian assassin and each other while lost in the middle of the woods. Being stranded in frigid temperatures has a way of rendering everything else in the world meaningless. So in spite of their hit turning into a total disaster, they are cruelly reminded that getting out of the cold is more important than anything: money, duty, respect, even Tony's approval.
5. Snow Day Imagine for a moment that you're a balding, middle-aged, barely employed snow plow operator with bad teeth and a crow as your only friend. And on the rare, snowy occasion that you actually have a lot of work to do, your truck gets jacked and you're attacked by a horde of schoolchildren led by an odd little girl who communicates with action figures, a flatulent fat kid and a boy who makes snowballs out of jelly and urine. Sounds like a horror story, right? Well, for Chris Elliott, it is.
More Cable Afterlife, because you demanded it. You beat down my door. You followed me home. You took my seat on the subway. You cut in front of me in line. You better watch ... these movies. On cable, this Friday through next Thursday, like always. (All times in EST.) 8. Shanghai Surprise (1986) Encore Love, Monday, January 26, 10:30am As Sean Penn gears up to possibly win an Oscar for one of his best performances (as the titular Harvey Milk), it's high time to see him in one of his worst, and I'm not talking about I Am Sam. No, this is the spectacular flop he made with Madonna while the two were married. I dare you to finish it. P.S. It's heavily steam. I've said too much. Or have I?
7. Bullet (1995) IFC, Tuesday, January 27th, 12am As for said Oscars, Mickey Rourke's on the ascent with his role in The Wrestler. Check him out as he was careening to the bottom, out-acted by Tupac Shakur in this ruff-n-tuff action thriller, directed by Julien Temple
.
6. Luv (1967) Turner Classic Movies, Thursday, January 29th, 8:15am Jack Lemmon's about to jump off a bridge when he meets old friend Peter Falk, who pawns off his wife (Elaine May) on him so that he can be with his girlfriend. You can't pass on that cast, nor will you want to miss this rarely-screened Clive Donner effort from the peace-n-love era. Expect awkwardness, and a cameo by a young Harrison Ford as a longhair.
5. Funny Games (2008) Cinemax, Saturday, January 24th, 10pm It hasn't yet been determined if Michael Haneke's shot-for-shot remake of his own cinematic paradigm---the movie so brutal and heartless, it dares you not to watch and in effect judges you for how far along you've endured it---fulfilled whatever sort of Hollywood traction he may have been going for... because nobody's seen it, really. Here's your chance to.
Welcome to NCDSUV's splenetic, embittered new weekly feature, Overdressed & Underclassed, which with each installment will dissect a different aspect of celebrity fashion with the enthusiasm and exactitude of a taxidermist suffering from the second clinical phase of rabies (caution: We have reached the contagious stage).
Beltway insiders seem to approach getting dressed as a way to: A. avoid indecency charges and B. To protect themselves from the elements. A "quirky" D.C. gal may be seen traipsing through Capitol Hill clad in a purple pinstripe suit from Anthropologie with some swingin' sky-high Prada pumps, instead of the de rigueur gray pinstripe suit from Ann Taylor Loft paired with Easy Spirit flats, much to the consternation, stifled envy and shock on the parts of the less stalwart.
But change is coming to Washington, along with (we hope) a new epoch for fashion forwardness. President Barack Hussein Obama's inauguration seemed to signal, among other weightier things, a much easier era for the eyes. Here's the eight fashion highlights from Tuesday's ceremonies.
8. Laura Bush The former First Lady's outfit epitomized what we all hope we'll be saying "farewell" to: frumpy grey pantsuits and boring heels; drab grey political horizons and boring heels (of the human variety).
7. Jill Biden After so recently thrusting her well-shod foot into her mouth on Oprah (Biden claimed that Obama had offered her husband a choice of jobs as either Veep or Secretary oO State, forcing his staff to go into spin mode), I expected Biden to slip on something decidedly understated. In stark contrast to everyone else's relatively muted swearing-in duds, she opted for a fiery orange-red jacket paired and a pair of hot-stepping black leather boots. It looks like we will be able to expect all manner of exciting fireworks from Biden. And just think: It was her husband everyone was worried about. Go, Jill, go: This administration has to give Saturday Night Live something to work with.
6. Aretha Franklin The Queen of Soul's rendition of "My Country 'Tis Of Thee" was almost as thrilling as the farcically bad, but oh so delectably good, massive, yodeling, rhinestone-studded bow plopped on top of a chirping church mouse of little grey hat. Sing it, lady!
5. Senator Ted Kennedy The senator, who has managed to continue his duties in recent months despite his bout with brain cancer, collapsed at the Capitol after suffering a seizure on the day of the inauguration. He's reportedly on the mend, and we hope as optimistic, jubilant and celebratory as he appeared to be at the inauguration in his jaunty fedora and dapper sky-blue silk scarf.
As we reported yesterday, Britney Spears was being rushed back into the emergency room. But this time it was her music studio and not a psychiatric ward, to do some last-minute surgery on her new single, "If You Seek Amy." Apparently, the title was subversively intended to sound like something a good deal naughtier when pronounced phonetically, sparking commercial radio's refusal to air the track, and thus its impending resurrection as the nonsensical "If You See Amy."
Of course, Mrs. Spears is just the latest in a long line of illustriously censored songs. This differs, of course, from a mere lyric being bleeped out, which would canvas nearly every hip-hop single of the last two decades; cover art being airbrushed, a la the Black Crowes' Amorica; or a song's complete and controversial removal from all pressings, as in the case of Body Count's "Cop Killer."
But the guiding forces are generally the same, and at their minimum incorporate the following: conservative media, righteous protest groups and puritanical retail chains. All of the above have upheld the time-honored tradition of illogically inciting teen-baiting scandal and sensationalism around something that would otherwise pass through the bowels of our cultural intake like a harmless blast of fiber.
So while there are no doubt several more worthy of inclusion, here are five risque, and subsequently retitled, songs that either awkwardly sapped the song of its original appeal, or in some cases just made us laugh at the stick up censor-happy advocates' asses.
5. Akon featuring Snoop Dogg, "I Wanna Fuck You" Re-Titled As: "I Wanna Love You" Degree Of Silliness: Absurd, But Understandable Granted, if you're going to release a single that graphically refers to copulation, you're probably well-prepared to acquiesce and record a modified version. But "I Wanna Love You" presents a dual-edged dilemma: 1. Particularly when paired with the video, and for anyone familiar with either man's careers, it rings transparently disingenuous as a romantic offering. 2. It presents "love" in this instance as an action verb, and it ultimately winds up feeling as if its missing a double modifier, like perhaps a "make" before "love" and a "to" prior to "you" for clarification. Because to suggest "love" in its most sentimental form is both in blatant contrast to where Akon places emphasis on the lyrics and awkwardly juxtaposed against the content of the verses.
4. Crass, "Reality Asylum" Re-Titled As: "The Sound Of Free Speech" Degree Of Silliness: Silly In An Ominous Big Brother Kind Of Way In 1978, punk upsetters Crass were releasing their Feeding Of The 5000 EP. Only problem was the pressing plant was offended by its Jesus-eviscerating lyrical content and refused to finish the job. So in a truly anarchist spirit that would be total anathema to most mainstream cowtowers, the boys simply filled the space with white noise, rechristening it (pun very much intended it) "The Sound Of Free Speech," an ironic fuck you to the bullying of opposing points of view that still resonates influentially today.
While this release week may bring anticipated and more notable efforts like the triumphant Airing Of Grievances by Titus Andronicus or Andrew Bird's Noble Beast, we here at NCDSUV prefer to analyze more futile musical recordings.
Welcome back to Unnecessary Album Releases, a feature in which we highlight the week's most egregiously bizarre, dull and often unpleasant albums from the music industry's "left"er side of the dial.
Behold the obscure, the most fantastically superfluous musical curiosas for the week of January 20, 2009.
6. Combichrist, Today We Are All Demons While they assume a glut of dubiously, dizzying, dark descriptors like "Hellektro," Terror EBM" or "Harsh EBM," the electro/industrial rock by Norwegian sextet Combichrist, would have justifiably leave genre pioneers like Ministry with a wry discontent.
5. The Harvest Floor, Castle Decapitation This jarring juggernaut of relentlessly grinding blast beats features the ferociously horrifying vocals of Travis Ryan, who concocts something akin to Gollum from Lord Of The Rings and a demonic death rattle all hoped up on steroids. Enjoy.
When we heard why Milk scene-stealer James Franco, who won our hearts years ago as bad-boy Daniel from Freaks & Geeks, was missing at the Golden Globes last week, we were agog. It seems Franco was busy studying poetry at Warren Wilson College in Swannanoa, North Carolina, where he is enrolled in the school's MFA For Writers. The image of Franco eschewing fancy Hollywood award ceremonies to brood over his coffee-stained notebook of post-confessional free-verse, or linger over a glass of sweet tea, clutching a dog-eared copy of Mark Doty's My Alexandria... um, it kinda made us swoon. But it also got us wondering: What other charmed boldfacers would we love to see insert themselves into the raging creative class?
7. Sarah Palin Remember the lady with the glasses who ran for that political office that one time? She seemed to have some trouble, er, collecting her thoughts, on occasion. "We believe that the best of America is not all in Washington, D.C." Palin once told a crowd at a fundraiser many moons ago. "We believe that the best of America is in these small towns that we get to visit, and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America, being here with all of you hard working very patriotic, um, very, um, pro-America areas of this great nation." She's like the next Edward Albee, no?
6. Christopher Walken It's quite possible C-Walk would be even less popular describing his process in a workshop than the Palinator. Can you... imagine... listening... to... him... discussing... his... character's... inner... monologue... and... psychosis... this... slowly? And what if he wrote exactly like he speaks?
5. Sean Penn Somewhere, right now, Penn is seething with jealousy over Franco's secret taste for the literary arts. They can't both do it! Penn, of course, got his byline on the cover of The Nation last month for his oh-so-astute international reportage. So why not attempt to best his younger, immensely attractive co-star and tackle a creative writing MFA while he's at it? We'd adore listening to his justification for turns of phrase like, "He was God's pessimist."
January seems to be the month where cable TV networks, short on original series yet aware of an audience that's probably staying out of the cold, seem to air out their most interesting slates of movies and film programming. Films From The Cable Afterlife recommends a handful of these each week: some to watch, some to avoid. Here's some more suggestions for your pleasure, or lack thereof...
8. Prey (2007) Cinemax, Tuesday, January 20, 4:50am (and On Demand) People have remarked on the bad fortunes of The Weinstein Company ever since their acrimonious split with Disney (who walked away with their Miramax brand), but I say let 'em go. We haven't had this good of an exploitation studio since New World shuttered in the late '80s. Continuing with man vs. nature gore a la last week'sRogue, here's a safari horror flick in which Bridget Moynihan and Peter Weller, along with their children, are stranded in Africa and become Lunchables for a pride of hungry lions. Ivan Tors, we hardly knew ye.
7. Strange Hostel Of Naked Pleasures (1975) IFC, Saturday, January 17, 1:30am It's a Coffin Joe movie and it's outside the cycle of the three originals (At Midnight I'll Take Your Soul, etc.), but watch it anyway. It is loaded with the kind of brash, earthy shocks Mexico has staked its reputation on, and it likely will offend you. That title is no joke.
6. Assassination Tango (2002) Monday, January 19, 9:45pm; Tuesday, January 20, 4:20am My colleague Andrew Earles has been harping on this movie since its release, a bizarre, faux-seductive tale of hitman Robert Duvall (who also directed) stuck in South America, falling in love, and learning how to dance; a more ridiculous plot you couldn't ask for, and a more stilted, awkward performance by Duvall you won't find. Also starring the omnipresent Latin-American singer and actor Ruben Blades. This is a warning!
5. Bedazzled (1967) Cinemax (5STARMAX), Sunday, January 18, 2:40pm, 10:30pm; Cinemax (ActionMAX), Wednesday, January 21, 5am For the entire time I've been writing these weekly rundowns, I've been utterly frustrated at cable's propensity to air the forgettable remake of this soul-selling comic allegory instead of Stanley Donen's superior-in-every-way original. That wrong has been righted. You may have been stuck on an airplane or in a waiting room watching Brendan Fraser sell his soul to Liz Hurley, and yeah, that might have angered you. But you NEED to see the genuine article, starring Dudley Moore and Peter Cook, one of the funniest comedy teams ever to grace a stage. Everything about this movie is great. Go watch it now.
Even amidst semi-legitimate websites and all-inclusive gossip blogs, one thing has remained resoundingly clear about the Internet: It was designed for the proliferation of booby pictures. OK, and maybe an occasional facial (NSFW) or finger fuck. But the "candid" celebrity shot and red-carpet nip slips that fill out headlines like implants in a waterbra have truly captured our cultural zeitgeist. Although the tried-and-true movie-still compilers, like Mr. Skin, still possess a necessary function for cyber-pervs the world over.
However, like a record-label A & R rep indiscriminately scouring MySpace for hot acts, the wider the net is cast, the more likely you're gonna catch a few stinkers you'd rather throw back in the ocean.
So for reasons no less superficial than these images' original publication, and if anything, to take the piss out of folks dangled on high as the beautiful ones, we present the 10 least arousing nude celebrity boobs (10, of course, as in five pairs of two). And in the interest of being an equal-opportunity sexist, we may even produce a sequel to this feature that reappropriates its, ehem, titular meaning and breaks down the most orgasm-killing male Hollywood mimbos. And suffice to say, virtually every link from here on out is NSFW, meaning we expect a hearty boost in page views between the hours of 6 p.m. and midnight.
10. & 9. Victoria Beckham, aka Posh Spice
It's hard to say which one of Posh's not-so-perky perforations deserves more of a honest, cups-off assessment, number nine or 10. Oh, heck, we'll call it a wash. But the bottom line is, for all her preening around in the newest haute coutoure, push-up-undergarment abuse and implicitly demeaning infrared glances at the rest of Earth's female populus, we wouldn't want to hop in the shower and soap up those plump-yet-shapeless post-pregnancy glands.
8. & 7. Teri Hatcher
Memo to Seinfeld's fact-checkers (and yes, we are contractually obligated to incorporate a Seinfeld reference in every other post): They might be real, but they're not exactly spectacular. When the would-be glamorous Desperate Housewives queen bitch bared all in cheapo flick The Cool Surface, someone should have ordered some hot maple syrup, because those babies are what those in the know refer to as pancake boobs.
While this release week may be delivering notable efforts like Andrew W.K.'s greatest hits/covers collection and the re-release of The Lemonheads' It's A Shame About Ray on vinyl, we here at NCDSUV prefer to analyze more futile musical recordings. Welcome back to Unnecessary Album Releases, a feature in which we highlight the week's most egregiously bizarre, dull and often unpleasant albums from the music industry's "left"er side of the dial. Behold the obscure, the most fantastically superfluous musical curiosas for the week of January 13, 2009
7. Saxon, Into The Labyrinth These dinosaurs of British metal have been at for more than 30 years, ensconcing the headbanging world with well over 25 releases. But while their copious output illustrates a seemingly august career, Into The Labyrinth's first single, "Live to Rock," glaringly nods (and that's being nice) at AC/DC's anthem, "For Those About To Rock (We Salute You)."
6. Late Of The Pier, Fantasy Black Channel While it may have seemed like a good idea, this genre-bending debut from the U.K.'s Late Of The Pier, brimming with a hybrid of power chord-driven electro-punk, painfully resembles last year's obnoxious, release by Does It Offend You, Yeah? Which of course renders Fantasy Black Channel's glaringly disconnected tracks perfect for the gyrating hipster pining for mindless, sweaty, cockney tunes.
5. El Goodo, Coyote Phil Spector's celebrated "wall of sound," made famous for its lush textures, sunny harmonies and ringing Rickenbackers, paved the way for cult-fave power-pop bands like Big Star. Unfortunately, the Big Star reference in El Goodo's name is as close as these droning, stodgy sons of Resolven, Wales are going to get to "September Gurls." (In that respect, we figured you'd enjoy the below of Big Star performing "El Goodo" more than a track by the band themselves.)
Welcome to NCDSUV's splenetic, embittered new weekly feature, Overdressed & Underclassed, which with each installment will dissect a different aspect of celebrity fashion with the enthusiasm and exactitude of a taxidermist suffering from the second clinical phase of rabies (caution: We have reached the contagious stage).
Flicking on the television or going online no longer offers a brief moment of respite from your hectic day, so when I tuned into red carpet portion of the Golden Globes I was hoping for an indulgent, preferably 24-carat-gold gilded respite from reality. I wanted a scene of shameless, tacky, hedonistic, materialistic display along the lines of (for the men) diamond-and-ruby encrusted boleros and (for the ladies) hot-pink, satin 10-inch-high stiletto heels that clash with the red carpet and light up when they strut. Was I expecting too much? Of course not. This is Hollywood, where dreams come true. Here's the eight most delightfully gaudy debutantes and dudes from last night's ceremony.
8. Lisa Rinna Never one to insinuate if she can noisily promulgate, the TVGuide' network's red carpet host (and soon-to-be-second-time-Playboy model) treated us to more than her usual heaping handful o' cleave. This year, we got to three inches of pectoriloquy to ogle as she giggled inanely, fumbled over her script and beat the brows of whichever celeb had somehow happened to fall into her arthritic clutches. Lisa captures many of the qualities cherished by profligate lovers of all things skin-deep: a laser-like commitment to superficiality that involves the excessive use of botox, facial fillers and Pilates machines; a love of all things low-cut and high-cut, preferably at the same time; a copious sprinkling of shiny things on and about her person; and silver sequins.
7. Olivia Wilde Olivia infused the red carpet with every starry-eyed 7-year-old girl's vision of elegance. She floated along in a strapless, floor-length pale lilac-pink Reem Acra confection that looked like it had been produced in a quiet forest glen by Cinderella's tweeting avian pals, with nothing but pink cotton candy, organza and buttercream frosting with which to toil. A giant pair of diamond snowflake earrings, an innocently smiley countenance and gleaming, shiny hair completed the nostalgic glance down princess lane.
6. Jennifer Lopez If a designer's producing a dress cut down to the navel, bless her heart, Jenny From the Block's gotta have it. J. Lo, with her trademark deer-in-headlights idiot savant pop enthusiasm, slathered on the razzle dazzle our quickly graying country is thirsting for. From her belly baring, elegantly draped gold Greek goddess Marchesa dress (which brings to mind the more innocent days of 2000. when she wore the infamous ab-flashing Versace) to her tasteful but still ridunkulously massive diamond drop earrings, J. Lo is La La Land. Calgon, take me away!
5. Debra Messing Her hair, pulled back into what at first glance appeared to be a smooth and elegant ponytail, but then ZOWIE! explodes like a hirsute B52 into a bloodshot tumble weed, is notable enough. But Big Red, as always, kicks up it up a notch, in the form of diamond and emerald teardrop (if Cyclops shed tears, they'd be about this size) earrings that threaten to unbalance her equilibrium and turn her dramatic sweep down the carpet into a slip n' slide. And let's not forget the chartreuse eye shadow applied with a trowel onto her entire lid. Her dress was the mottled color of a particularly painful bruise with an interesting set of pelvis-accentuating ruffles, which is perhaps an exciting and innovative new way to catch the boys' eyes.
Everyday, struggling bands scuffle their way through the great unknown, clawing at a chance for their music to be heard, a T-shirt sold or to claim the most hits on their MySpace page among their faux-hawk bedecked, douchebag circle of friends. But even as these budding rock 'n' rollers aspire to achieve just the "toppermost of the poppermost," legions of today's hottest performers, both young and old, inundate us with reworked versions of some of their cornerstone songs.
Remaking music to make some new money is nothing novel. Whether an artist was forced to duplicate a smash hit because they made the jump to a major label and management wanted to polish up their biggest underground hit; their voracious record company wouldn't license the original recordings for commercial use; or because the band simply wanted to rehash old glory, sell out and cash in, this phenomenon seems to be happening with greater regularity as platforms for exposure increase.
Here's eight of the most noteworthy unnecessary attempts at recapturing the past, whatever the reason.
8. Erasure, "How Many Times" (1989, 2006) In 2006, the synth-pop duo got all countrified with their 12th studio album, Union Street, stripping down some of their lesser-known hits, providing a country twang in place of their familiar electro theatrics. And though the band was said the record was an attempt at shedding new light on lesser-known tracks, the dull second take of "How Many Times," already a humdrum affair in its first rendering on WILD!, left one wondering how many times the boys suckle from the tranny breast of their proverbial catalog.
7. Nirvana, "Polly"/"(New Wave) Polly" (1991, 1992) The music of Nirvana, like it or not, is one of the great cultural happenings of the last few decades. You can remember exactly where you were and what you were doing when those power chords completely annihilated your pretty little apathetic teenage ears. Originally released on Nevermind, the stark acoustics of "Polly" stood out against the album's otherwise sludgy post-punk tracks. A year later, at the height of their success, Nirvana buffed and sped the track up and even added the rather ill-defined addendum "New Wave" to its title for their Incesticide compilation. But despite suggestions that the rarities collection was a goodwill offering to their fanbase (or an outlet for Kurt Cobain's creepy artwork), the only logical conclusion aims directly at the rather equine features of drummer Dave Grohl's ego, only then in utero. Perhaps he couldn't cope with Nevermind having a song that didn't feature his percussive cacophony of drumming, but looking back, its clear that the re-vamped version (albeit a cut that worked better for band and fans alike), was nothing but vainglorious chow for the seemingly haughty stickman.
6. Bad Religion, "21st Century (Digital Boy)" (1990, 1994) In 1990, Bad Religion was arguably at the top of their game, releasing intelligent, thought-provoking, aggressive punk rock off of the then-under-the-radar independent label, Epitaph. And "21st Century (Digital Boy)," off 1990's Against The Grain, quickly scored high with their enthusiastic, long-time disciples. But their '94 move to major label Atlantic found the bespectacled Cali-punkers in need of some radio-friendly concessions. Rumor has it that their blood-sucking, evil-doing new home asked the band to re-record the track because they didn't hear a single off Stranger Than Fiction. So way to go, gentleman, for taking all the grittiness out of the near, perfect original rendition and glossing it up for your big-time debut.
5. Face To Face, "Disconnected" (1992, 1994, 1995) The early-to-mid-'90s alterna-punk scene belonged to bands like Face To Face and their catchy, southern-California melodies, making it possible for loathsome impostors like The Offspring to claim their piece. "Disconnected", arguably the bands biggest single, was first featured on a 1992 full-length and then a 1994 EP, and though only included as a "bonus" track for their major label debut, Big Choice, its intro featured a humorous exchange between the band and their manager, debating the dilemmas of selling out. Unfortunately, the attempt to save face (to face) came off as an embarrassing justification for potentially tarnishing their integrity. Everybody knows, Face To Face, everybody knows.
Welcome to NCDSUV's splenetic, embittered new weekly feature, Overdressed & Underclassed, which with each installment will dissect a different aspect of celebrity fashion with the enthusiasm and exactitude of a taxidermist suffering from the second clinical phase of rabies (caution: We have reached the contagious stage).
In the spirit of the reincarnation mojo that comes with each New Year, we decided to take the opportunity to (for a change) applaud some much-welcomed progress in the wardrobe department of some of our favorite Hollywoodland targets over in Hollywoodland.
8. Angelina Jolie Unlike most of the rest of the planet, I remain resolutely unimpressed with Angel Angie. Yes, she's adopted a bijillion babies and has accomplished truly superb things as a Goodwill Ambassador for the U.N. Refugee Agency. And that whole Academy Award thing is nothing to spit at. But everyone else (including Angie) is so busy showering praise on her frail little shoulders, there's hardly room for one more accolade from the peanut gallery. I'm saving my accolades for her closet. She somehow managed to go from fright-night horror (all big lips, vials of blood, vacant eyes, witchy black hair tied with an oversized leopard-patterned ribbon and hideous jean jackets) to polished mommy glamazon (all big lips, purposeful gazes, yummy mummy beautifully tailored, tasteful and flattering clothes and much better accessories, Brad Pitt being the penultimate of course).
7. Jessica Biel She has managed to evade two major H'wood facts of life: People who star in family friendly crapfests on the small screen (7th Heaven) will never make it to the big-budget big screen (The Illusionist, Blade: Trinity, etc.) and that women have to dress like prostitutes to be taken (ahem) seriously by major studios. Biel embraced her down-home, super-casual style a touch too fervently, however, and I'm relieved to see she's eschewed the shapeless girl-next-door bell-bottoms and the random, ill-fitting shiny tops obviously slapped on her by a desperate stylist in a last-ditch attempt at glam for the occasional elegantly slinky dress that bares her impressive booty.
6. Kirsten Dunst Sharing your first kiss onscreen at the tender age of 11 with a vampire and then being launched into a brutal, multiple movies a year schedule would warp anyone. And Kirsten, like most child stars, failed or was never given the opportunity to develop as an individual. Obvious and tragic symptoms aside, (stints in rehab, troubled relationships), the perfectly cute, and totally underrated, blond starlet drowned her sorrows in an unforgiving sea of chipped, noir nail-polish, poorly executed updos, Jessica McClintock-like formal wear and outfits that look as if they were produced by frazzled clerks during a hold-up of the Salvation Army. But girlfriend got her groove back from whence it was hiding, and while she'll probably never hit the dizzying heights of chic, she's finally come into her own with brushed and styled (hello!) golden tresses, offbeat takes on downtown prep and the proud display of legs that goes for miles and miles and miles and miles...
5. Nicole Richie Forget Madonna. Richie has reinvented reinvention. She went from a slightly pudgy (but consummately cute) Paris Hilton sidekick in The Simple Life to a cadaverous L.A. beach bum, club troll and inmate to trim, suburban wife and mother in less time than it takes some people to get through Madge's Sex book. But almost invariably, Nicole manages to effortlessly pull off aggressively casual West Coast refinement (face-eating sunglasses and hair don'ts notwithstanding) like no one else. The only thing threatening her reign over the Valley was her Skeletor stage, hopefully a problem rooted firmly in her past.
It may only be the first official week of the inaugural year, but the fruitless hits keep on comin'! Welcome back to Unnecessary Album Releases, an NCDSUV feature in which we highlight the week's most egregiously bizarre, dull and often unpleasant albums from the music industry's "left"er side of the dial. Behold the obscure, the most fantastically superfluous musical curiosas for the week of January 6, 2009
6. The Mongoloids, Assorted Music With a moniker that brings to mind indigenous peoples of Asia or chromosomal abnormality, The Mongoloids' Assorted Music is perfect for two-fisted vegans and New York Hardcore leftovers still pining for the days of Sheer Terror.
5. The Newleydeads, Dreams From A Dirt Nap This "greatest hits" collection by Goth/Industrial rockers The Newleydeads, featuring members of Faster Pussycat, is the ideal model for those who missed the cultural gap between early Marilyn Manson and the widely overstated ballyhoo that is director Rob Zombie's horror films.
Let's just make one thing abundantly clear before we dive into this list like a lesbian reality show participant planting their face in another femme fatale's birth canal. NCDSUV doesn't just toss around the word "slut" like salad. It's a reductive, derisively loaded descriptor, and it breaks the cardinal rule of human socializing: Don't judge a book by its cover. And on the other side of the coin, it's an expression that many modern-day feminists embrace as a means of self-appointed sexual empowerment.
But when it comes to the ladies from the three seasons of Rock Of Love, featuring our favorite glam-metal fossil Bret Michaels, it's safe to say we can apply the term with all its basest connotations, with little fear of uproar or repercussion, especially after the backlash-clamoring exploits on Rock Of Love Bus.
If anything, it's hard to distinguish one of these soulless, face-sucking fame seekers' tramposity from the others'. So even though Heather was an ex-stripper with the hair-and-fashion sense of a drag queen at New York City's Halloween parade, she exuded enough seasoned self-respect to remain off this lascivious list. And although Rock Of Love Bus newbie Brittaney admitted to a past in pornography, she had a reformed soccer-mom side that kept her from being raked over this story's critical coals.
So with all that in mind, and with all apologies to the overly sensitive, here are the five absolute sluttiest of all the self-esteem-deprived she-devils who have embarked upon a quest for VH1 stardom and Michaels' momentary affection.
5. Daisy Parading around as a true-blue rocker chick straight out of the annals of Poison's "Fallen Angel" lyrics sheet, Ms. De La Hoya is actually the no-doubt-spoiled niece of her world-class-boxing uncle, Oscar. And despite still living with her douchebag deluxe boyfriend Charles, Daisy more than presumably slept with Michaels. During one altercation, she even gloated about supposedly giving him sexual favors to get Heather off her back about the whole multiple lovers fiasco. Daisy might be the angel, but it seems Michaels was the one earning his red wings.
4. Gia This tatted-up Love Bus sex tart may have only lasted one episode, but her too-slutty-for-blurred-out-TV antics (nevermind mention the footage that actually made the cut), most notably depositing a "buttery nipple" test-tube shot inside her cooch for another contestant to swill down her gullet, enshrined her legacy in the Hall Of Whoreitude. And had us all scrambling for unencumbered production footage on file-sharing sites.
Back for 2009, here's some more Films From The Cable Afterlife, properly hung over for the New Year. It's a short week, so let's just get this over with and celebrate the end of a stinker, and hope for change as well as variety in our cultural diets. (All listings in EST.)
8. The Dead One (2007) TMC, Thursday, January 8, 4:30am It's not just your junk that's up for grabs when Wilmer Valderrama rolls up to your crew in this do-not-pass-DVD, go-directly-to-cable stinker. Fez puts on mariachi makeup by accident, then gets in an accident and sent to the Aztec god of death, to do HIS BIDDING. Oooooooooooh!
7. Skinwalkers (2007) TMC, Thursday, January 8, 6:10pm A product of a robust yet bloated market, Skinwalkers was yet another failure of a horror film, given theatrical release by Lionsgate. This one's about werewolves, and while the effects were decent, there's no buffing up the acting and the plot is nearly identical to that of Dane Cook's Employee Of The Month. Here' hoping the economic downturn keeps dog dirt like this out of production.
6. American Perfekt (1997) Showtime (SHO Beyond), Wednesday, January 7, 8:15pm A flip of a coin is all it takes for criminal psychiatrist Robert Forster to abandon all of his plans and go on a wild vacation with some psychotic women and a whole heap of trouble. Are Fairuza Balk, Amanda Plummer and Naked's David Thewlis interesting enough to get you to tune in? Flip a coin to find out!
5. Doomsday (2008) Cinemax, Monday, January 5, 10pm Last year, director Neil Marshall (The Descent) took a dump in the Thunderdome, and here it is, having baked in the sun for many months. Rhona Mitra leads a cast of Bob Hoskins and Malcolm McDowell in a post-apocalyptic run 'n' gun of Scotland.
Whether
it's viewed as a rite of passage, a holy sacrament or simply a match
made in heaven, most individuals enter the institution of marriage with
the very best of intentions. But as any good attorney will tell you, at
least 50 percent of the time those same intentions pave the way to the all
too familiar hell of divorce. As usual, we can always turn to the
movies in order to shed a little light on the kinds of issues and
behavioral patterns some unlucky couples may have to face.
In Sam Mendes' current matrimonial nightmare, Revolutionary Road,
we get a glimpse of what life might have been like had Kate Winslet
made a little room for Leonardo DiCaprio on that piece of driftwood
instead of letting him sink like a stone. Joining a long list of
terrible twosomes who should never have gotten together, Hollywood's
latest testament to staying single brings to mind the eight distinct
archetypes that failed fictional couples normally fall into. If real
people heeded the examples of these fake folks more often, maybe the
odds of having a successful marriage would add up to more than a
crapshoot.
8. Mr. & Mrs. Suburban Nightmare: Lester and Carolyn, American Beauty
There's
something about the suburbs that frequently brings out the worst in
people. Maybe all that orderliness, uniformity and conformity gives
married folks too much time to gaze into their own dyspeptic navels and
eventually pick at each other's flaws and weaknesses like so many
scabs. When the weird kid next door with the thousand yard stare (who
happens to be fond of videotaping your underage daughter) is the most
normal person in your development, either it's time to talk or it's
time to move to the city. Pronto.
Honorable Mention To: Calvin and Beth, Ordinary People
7. Mr. & Mrs. "t's All His Fault: Jonathan and Bobbie, Carnal Knowledge
In
this day and age, couples counselors usually find a way to balance the
blame between both parties in order for them to share in the
responsibility of fixing their collective problems. But sometimes,
women just happen to shack up with the wrong guy. Naïve dim bulb Bobbie
(Ann-Margret) learns the hard way that Jack Nicholson's shallow,
self-centered, sex-obsessed Jonathan is anything but marriage material.
When she tearfully pleads that she wants him, he fires back, "I'm taken
by me!" Well, in spite of everything else, at least he's honest.
Honorable Mention To: Dan and Beth, Fatal Attraction
6. Mr. & Mrs. War of Words: George and Martha, Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf?
Forget
what you've heard in the past, sticks and stones ain't got shit on the
caustic, lacerating words hurled by Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton
in this venomous condemnation of loveless matrimony. Liquored up and
pissed off, these old pros wield the English language like a weapon and
tear into each other with a viciousness seldom seen outside of divorce
court. Like the young couple who watch their soul-crushing vituperation
from the sidelines, these sparring spouses really force us to ponder
just how long the "ever after" must be
after the happiness is completely gone.
Honorable Mention: Lloyd and Caroline, The Ref
5. Mr. & Mrs. Homicidal Tendencies: Steven and Emily, A Perfect Murder
Modern-day sage Chris Rock once said, "If
you haven't seriously thought about killing a motherfucker, you ain't
been in love." In this cold tale about a relationship on life support,
Michael Douglas' scheming executive plots to put Gwyneth Paltrow's adulterous
character out of her misery quicker than you can say, "Coldplay sucks!"
To actually premeditate your beloved's murder requires a level of
contemplation that few outside the movies are familiar with. In real
life, no matter how bad the relationship is, snuffing out your
significant other is not an option. Besides, whether or not you get
away with it, it will always come back to haunt you. Just ask O.J.
Honorable Mention: Tony and Margot, Dial M For Murder
Welcome to NCDSUV's splenetic, embittered new weekly feature, Overdressed & Underclassed, which dissects different aspects of celebrity fashion with the enthusiasm and exactitude of a taxidermist suffering from the second clinical phase of rabies (caution: We have reached the contagious stage).
Fashion trends generally reflect the time in which they're created, ergo cash means flash, recession means regression. So what can we expect when a full-blown depression is being forecast? As I turn my jaundiced eye to 2009, I predict that the (hopefully) temporary stumble of Western Civilization will lead to a number of unsightly trendlets among the glitterati. My predictions for who will wear what, below.
8. Rumpled Luxe Most Likely Victims: Angelina Jolie, Madonna, Sean Penn Much like Kathy Fuld's rather feeble attempt to hide her weekly $10,000 shopping sprees at Hermes (you know Kathy, wife of the disgraced Lehman Brothers Goliath, Tricky Dick Fuld) in unmarked bags to protect the great unwashed masses from the awareness of her continuing spendthrift ways, there are going to be gaggles of stars known for their cultural and political "sensitivity" who will attempt to downplay their own profligate spending with the Rumpled Luxe look. Because a Prada dress that's ill-fitting, baggy, wrinkled and strapped together with a series of creased ribbons (and just happens to cost thousands) totally says, "I relate to unkempt homeless people and the struggling working class."
7. Statement Headpieces Most Likely Victims: Nicole Richie, Mischa Barton, Christian Siriano Broke but still want to look a la mode? That's where "statement" headpieces come in. And in keeping with the bipolar mood the wild fluctuations of the market have inspired in the general populace, the message this season's "statements" are sending are decidedly crazypants. Take Blumarine, for example. The unwieldy beige contraptions strapped to models' heads are tied in various fanciful designs. The giant upside down Christmas-bow that threatens to take out a model's eyeball, or at the very least, her line of vision, is my personal favorite. It perfectly evokes the topsy turvy/helter skelter spirit of our times and chooses to join in the chaos and embrace the screwball and the scary, instead of run in the other direction, screaming. Which will most likely be the common reaction if you attempt to replicate this look.
6. Sleepwear As Outerwear Most Likely Victims: Britney Spears, Matthew McConaughey, Courtney Love Luxe lads and ladies too depressed, unemployed, drunk and/or insolvent to change out of their jammies can rest assured that they'll still totally be in style. Dolce & Gabbana has conveniently devoted its 2009 line to various pajama-inspired ensembles that will take you from the deli... to the couch. The dresses resemble Hugh Hefner-style silk smoking jackets and trench coats, shorts, flowy pants and button-downs that scream "naptime!" abound -- casual lolligag belting options included. Perhaps the idea here is to allow the still gainfully employed to stand in solidarity with their jobless brethren by unabashedly approaching their oh-so-urgent PowerPoint presentations and TPS reports with the same vigor their cohorts approach their glazy-eyed afternoon slumps on the couch, clicker in one hand, giant vat of soda in the other, bowl of popcorn precariously balanced on lap strewn with trashy magazines. Let's get this economy started!
5. Bike Shorts Most Likely Victims: Lindsay Lohan, Rihanna, Nicky Hilton Leggings' tacky redneck cousins have arrived. Brace yourselves, because bike shorts are "in." Nothing says "we give up as a society" like oversized cotton T's paired with plain black leather belts that are neither thin, thick, tight or loosely slung and bike shorts... posing as haute couture. Let's keep our fingers crossed and hope that Americans en masse don't pick up this style. We've lived through enough with the redoubtable muffin top/hipster jean/peekaboo thong triangle of terror, and I'm not sure we could withstand the kind of shock and horror that would surely entail if mall rats, Soap Opera Digest subscribers and soccer moms all started sporting short, tight, shiny Lycra pants.
Had your full of toothsome glazed meats oozing with holiday mirth? Is your skull still echoing from a blizzard of Christmastime music? Then welcome back to Unnecessary Album Releases, an NCDSUV feature in which we highlight the week's most egregiously bizarre, dull and often unpleasant albums from the music industry's "left"er side of the dial. Behold the obscure, the most fantastically superfluous musical curiosas for the week of December 30, 2008.
6. Return To Forever, Romantic Warrior This week, jazz-rock savant and card-carrying Scientologist Chick Corea and Return To Forever re-release the 1976 progressive rock/jazz record Romantic Warrior, made famous for its technically rigorous playing and gold-charting status. Yet despite those accolades, we can't help but think that Romantic Warrior should return its dank, medieval, circus jazz-rock to forever they came from. (Eh?)
5. üNN, Exit Have a deep penchant for droning, ordinary ambience backed-up by a deathless dime-store techno-beat this coming new year? Then look no further; similar to the drip of intravenous therapy, üNN's Exit is the perfect resolve.
4. Alice In Videoland, She's A Machine There's nothing subtle on the third release from electro-punk outfit Alice In Videoland. On She's A Machine, this Swedish quartet builds upon early '80s new-wave disco à la synthpop acts like OMD and Alphaville, with a newfangled electro-punk rock swirl. But while the stomping aggrepo is a throwback to pioneers like Nitzer Ebb, the feigned vocals of vocalist Toril Lindqvist remind us of the squawking absurdity on Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl." "This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S."
Being a working actor in Hollywood is constant moral dilemma, on par with Sophie's choice or Schindler's list or Wayne's world. You know you want to act in films and shows that are interesting, funny, weighty, real and so on, but the prospect of having to work a shitty job in order to feed your kids or pay your rent looms large. So you take the best of the worst to keep working.
Worse than mere hack work is the feeling that creeps into your skin when you think of the phenomenal jobs that preceded your current bit part on Numb3rs or Cold Case or Gum Scream or whatever. Like the hot girlfriend that you had to break up with because she was a crypto-fascist, yet still compare all subsequent partners to, that former film or show stands there like a ghost with a great rack and totalitarian ideals.
Thus, using HBO as our paradigm case, assessing the peaks and subsequent plateaus/valleys its original programming's roster of talent has endured, we offer unto you 10 wonderful, working actors whose pay-cable days are that nostalgic glint in their eye as they mumble through a guest spot on Without A Trace.
10. Harold Perrineau Starring HBO Turn: Augustus Hill on Oz Subsequent Shitty TV Role Of Note:Michael on Lost Why It's A Step Down:Lost itself isn't a terrible show, though it certainly has a large number of faults (paper thin characterization, meandering plots, gimmicky narrative devices, etc.). However, the fact that it must conform to network standards means it will never rise to the level of compelling, which Oz (forgiving some of its more ridiculous moments), usually was. This isn't a major step down, but it certainly is akin to having a sweet temp job and then making an ironic anti-Semitic joke and subsequently being fired, and then only being able to land a horrible data entry position.
9. Michael Imperioli Starring HBO Turn: Christopher on The Sopranos Subsequent Shitty TV Role Of Note: Ray on Life On Mars Why It's A Step Down: We can count the number of successful British remakes on one dick. Namely, The Office. And the only reason that survived is because it ingested the concept and made it its own, like a great voodoo priest eating the heart of his enemy to gain his powers. Assuming that has actually happened, and what was just written isn't culturally insensitive. Life On Mars is a sad simulacrum, and while Imperioli could have done much worse, going from David Chase to David Kelley is like using your company money to pay for that Greek shareholders retreat to needing the bailout money to pay for it. How humiliating.
8. Garry Shandling Starring HBO Turn: Larry on The Larry Sanders Show Subsequent Shitty Films Of Note:What Planet Are You From?, Over the Hedge Why It's A Step Down: As either Nietzsche or Professor X taught us, context is everything. So, let's put Shandling's slippery slope in perspective. Larry Sanders ended in 1998. Shandling's next film was the Dr. Doolittle re-make. The century's inaugural year gave us What Planet, and 2006 offered Hedge, one of Dreamworks' Pixar-not-quites. This is being selective, but given how groundbreaking Sanders was both as satire and character study, these other jobs feel like going from being a Las Vegas magician to giving out handjobs in a back alley in exchange for loose Starbursts.
7. Lance Reddick Starring HBO Turn: Colonel Daniels on The Wire Subsequent Shitty TV Roles Of Note: Agent Broyles on Fringe, Matthew on Lost Why It's A Step Down: As legions of obnoxious freaks will opine in your face whether you ask or not, The Wire is possibly one of the greatest shows to have ever been on TV. And just because the fuckers who scream this at you are ugly turds doesn't make them wrong. And what a complex it must manifest for the actors who starred in, created and re-created Bodymore, Murderland for five seasons, actors like Lance Reddick, who must now star in J.J. Abrams' latest sprawling mess, Fringe. Why, this is almost as bad as going from being the president of a world power to an indicted war criminal that only escapes prosecution with a series of timely pre-emptive pardons. Or something like that.
6. Garret Dillahunt Starring HBO Turns: Francis on Deadwood, Dr. Smith on John From Cincinnati Subsequent Shitty TV Role Of Note: Cromartie on Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles Why It's A Step Down: A lot of people may not have enjoyed John From Cincinnati, but truly, with no hyperbole, it was poetically sublime. However, more people were barmy for Deadwood because (gasp!) they swore! Really? That's what made it great? Not David Milch's writing? Not the acting or the narrative structure? The fact that they said "cocksucker" a lot, that's why you love it? Regardless, going from those shows to a stiff-necked, drab crabclaw like that Terminator rehash is like being a poet laureate onee day and still being one the next but having your face chopped off in an errant knife-throwing incident that your insurance refuses to cover.
Here's the last Films From The Cable Afterlife of 2008. Looking back, there were some great movies shown that I hope I turned you onto, and hopefully some more that you found on your own. Overall, I gotta let it be known that cable as a medium for showing movies is starting to slip. Movie packages change hands and the more creative programmers out there fall to the wayside, buried in an avalanche of cheap-to-air space fillers, the kind of sub-direct-to-DVD garbage that's 10 times worse than the lousiest drive-in/grindhouse garbage it replaced.
Movies are also getting squeezed out of formerly great networks like Sundance and IFC in favor of original programming (thanks guys, I needed to be reminded to recycle) and the on-demand diaspora only pushes a tighter net of weak movies into a narrower frame. You'd think that the shrinking margins facing cable would cause these networks to step up, but the thrills that movie channels once provided are competing with all manner of media and piracy issues, and fighting a losing battle. Only Turner Classic Movies, and to a lesser extent Fox Movie Channel and IFC, are keeping it real, showing a tacit dedication to their implicit tasks at hand.
I challenge cable programmers to show a little more pride in their work come 2009, and that they rise to the expectations of their viewership, the lazy, unmotivated herd that deserves to have their realm shattered by unbelievable examples of cinema. This time we're going to look exclusively at IFC and Turner Classic Movies for an example of two networks who get it right. 8. Twentieth Century (1934) Turner Classic Movies, Thursday, January 1, 7:15am One of the rules of Cable Afterlife was "nothing before 1967, please" but you know what? WHO CARES. Howard Hawks' knock-down drag-out comedy deserves to be appreciated by a new generation. Fussy director John Barrymore and his even fussier protégé actress Carole Lombard, who he made a star for nothing in return, slug it out on a train ride. It's hilarious and bitchy and biting, and the best we can do today is crap like Bride Wars. Please, do yourself a favor and watch this.
7. Heaven's Gate (1981) Turner Classic Movies, Wednesday, December 31, 2am A few years back I found myself stranded in a condo with my family in Naples, Florida over Christmas vacation. It was raining, and I didn't have access to a rental car (not that there was anything to do anyway). In an ultimate act of masochism, I brought my GreenCine rentals with me, and decided to roll through the early oeuvre of Michael Cimino, from Magnum Force and Thunderbolt & Lightfoot to The Deer Hunter and this, the movie that bankrupted United Artists and sullied Cimino's career once and for all. TCM presents the long, restored version of this giant catastrophe, peppered with moments of unfettered brilliance and an extravagance that you don't see much in films anymore. It's hard to sympathize with anyone in this movie, the ultimate '70s downer and one so large it carried through to the '80s. Rich kid baron Kris Kristofferson shuns his Harvard graduating class and protects the interests of immigrants in this overblown retelling of the Johnson County War. Ugly, mean, bitter and melancholy, with great turns by Christopher Walken and Sam Waterston as the ultimate heel/coward. This year sucked anyway. Watch it run down the drain the right way.
6. Surf Movie Marathon Turner Classic Movies, Tuesday, December 30, 6:30am-8pm TCM is down to show surf movies without fail every few months, and it's always nice to get a massive dose of such irreverence thrown at you in such a manner as this; over 12 hours of beach action, slumber parties, Von Zipper chop-busting, very off-color race gags (an Asian guy named "Cholly"? Come on!), and killer musical appearances by garage and R&B bands of the '60s. Running top to bottom, we have the following:
• Pajama Party (some nonsense about an alien learning about girls, bound to be fun with Tommy Kirk and Annette Funicello on board) • Winter A Go-Go (teen turns abandoned ski lodge into music venue) • For Those Who Think Young (teens fight developers who threaten to shut down a beachside hangout; starring Paul Lynde, Nancy Sinatra, Bob Denver and Tina Louise) • It's A Bikini World (rad drag-racing beach/surf monster with Deborah Walley, Sid Haig, The Animals, The Gentrys and The Castaways) • Ride The Wild Surf (more surf-oriented than most, with Fabian and Shelley Fabares hitting the waves in Hawaii) • Don't Make Waves (Tony Curtis and the late Sharon Tate mix it up with The Byrds out by the shore) • Beach Party (the original; Frankie and Annette battle Von Zipper, with Dick Dale shredding on guitar) • Muscle Beach Party (the kids fight the bodybuilders, featuring music by Brian Wilson, Little Stevie Wonder, and Dick Dale, with extra insults by Don Rickles)
These movies are where pop culture exploded into music, and provided some of the fuel to fire up the '60s youth rebellion. Must-watch, even if you think you're beyond this type of cheese.
5. Never Die Alone (2004) IFC, Saturday, January 2, 12am Chilling, violent modern film noir, based on street-hustler-turned-Iceberg Slim-protégé Donald Goines' novel. DMX's finest role, and David Arquette is no slouch either. You probably missed this joint when it hit theaters, so catch up now and feel the burn.
Welcome to NCDSUV's splenetic, embittered new weekly feature, Overdressed & Underclassed, which with each installment will dissect a different aspect of celebrity fashion with the enthusiasm and exactitude of a taxidermist suffering from the second clinical phase of rabies (caution: We have reached the contagious stage).
This week we address the worst fashion moments of the year. Fashion faux pas are like a particularly virulent breed of bronchitis; a disgusting, unpleasant fact of life that certain celebrities catch once and toss off without missing a well-heeled step, while others seem to be permanently felled by a chronic case that sends bystanders scurrying for cover for fear of contracting the dread disease. Here's our votes for an octagon of the '08's most offensive.
8. Agyness Deyn It's chronic. There are flashes of delicious, savory brilliance in Agyness' fashion fruit n' nut grab bag. And yet, Agyness' insistence on cultivating a bleached, neglected, teased and abused Cha-Cha-Cha-Chia-Pet-style 'do, coupled with her penchant for dressing like Billy Idol circa 1983, an unreasonable devotion to bandanas and questionably tailored pants (that look uncomfortably tight in the crotch area) outnumber her waltzes with aesthetic resplendence. She's more fashion idiot than savant.
7. Blake Lively Take a hot bath and consult your stylist in the morning. You're right, Blake: Fashion is all about fantasy. That's great, honey, because you embrace that concept. Especially when wearing short, sparkly postage stamps on the red carpet or fluttery white dresses and cowboy boots while flitting about Manhattan and flashing that toothy grin at the stalkerazzi. They love you, we love you, it's all good. But leave the more "conceptual" clothes to the darker, smarter, sassier indie crowd. No one wants to see you in a shiny, baggy pondscum-green, wrinkled jumpsuit and high heels. I know you were going for the insouciant sophisticate thing, but this makes you look like you belong in the pit at NASCAR, wiping the sweat from your fair brow and tinkering with a miter saw and mini-torch while muttering about "that durn Cletus. Tol' him ta plug that leak durn it anyway."
6. Sarah Jessica Parker It's (rather) chronic. Much like her alter-ego Carrie Bradshaw, Sarah definitely likes to take sartorial risks that would make less temerarious women blanch. And while she's more than likely to pass the Anna Wintour sniff test, Sarah's flops are unsurpassable. Like the time she decided to wear a green pillbox hat that resembles a large breast (nipple included!) and sprout a Brobdingnagian floral arrangement to the Sex And The City movie premiere (reminds me of the hideous bird Carrie strapped to her head to wear for her ill-fated fictional nuptials).
5. Anna Wintour Take a hot bath and consult your stylist in the morning. Willful idiosyncrasy, clothing as wearable sculpture and high-brow reflections of the current social/economic/cultural climate are all expected, even necessary, components of haute couture. And few people people's names are as synonymous with couture as Anna's. So heads understandably turned when Nuclear Wintour showed up to the Met Costume Gala (her gala, the fashion gala to end all fashion galas) in an actively odd Karl Lagerfeld dress that appeared designed to make the already serpentine editrix resemble a horned lizard dipped in mercury. While I don't agree with Time about it being the biggest fashion faux pas of the year, considering Wintour's pedigree, it's certainly up there.
Welcome back to Unnecessary Album Releases, an NCDSUV feature in which we highlight the week's most egregiously bizarre, dull and often unpleasant albums from the music industry's "left"er side of the dial.
Behold the obscure, the most fantastically superfluous musical curiosas for the week of December 23, 2008, just in time for the holiday edition! 5. Stephanie A. Smith, Not Afraid We never thought we'd say this, but can we hear more Pink please? On Smith's debut, she mawkishly wangles bad love songs, supercharged with enough contrived rock/pop, um, hooks, to hold her audience of Kelly Clarkson spillovers captive.
4. Leng T'che & Fuck the Facts, Split What's better than having a metal grindcore band tear into your cochlea? Well, two grindcore bands of course. This split 7-inch from Canada's Fuck The Facts and the Belgium-based Leng T'che is perfect for those who prefer their brand of raw and abrasive metal violently regurgitated.
With Doubt's Philip Seymour Hoffman and Meryl Streep chewing the fat and the scenery in their latest piece of Oscar bait, it seems that audiences never grow tired of stories featuring religious types falling from grace and getting down and dirty like the rest of us filthy mortals. Overzealous dogma, lapsed vows and broken covenants almost always make for intriguing material, especially when the characters involved are expected to be holier than thou. Throughout film history, these wolves in cleric's clothing have souls as dark as the uniforms they wear. Bless them Father for they have sinned... a lot.
7. Sister Bridget, The Magdalene Sisters Scores of free-spirited teenage girls were sent to do hard labor at the Magadalene Laundries simply for acting the way free-spirited teenage girls do (and without even the benefit of a follow-up appearance on Montel). With all the beatings, scoldings and general abuse being doled out by the Palpatine-esque Mother Superior and her minions, their convent/laundromat has more in common with your average women's prison than with any coin-op Fluff & Fold. If this monochromatic dictator ran the world, any woman dressed in less than a turtleneck would be burned at the stake.
6. Archbishop Gilday, The Godfather: Part III Although Sofia Coppola is still the most offensive presence in the Corleones' lackluster finale, the Archbishop's less than virtuous extracurricular activities (larceny, embezzlement, pope murder) make him a close second. The ecclesiastical egomaniac teaches the Don a thing or two about ruthlessness and shows that underneath his shiny silk vestments beats the heart of a cold-blooded gangster. Don't let the robes fool you. At the end of the day, it's just business.
5. Reverend Shaw Moore, Footloose A lot of people forget just how intense the pre-3rd Rock John Lithgow could be. Twenty-four years later, his intolerant rants against the "gospel of easy sexuality and relaxed morality" preached by that evil rock 'n' roll music and unholy books like Slaughterhouse-Five can still be heard in some form or another in much of what Sarah Palin calls the "real" America. A lot of small towns seem to share the fictional reverend's myopic point of view and would rather keep their little enclaves culture and Bacon-free. Oh well, maybe Zac Efron can change their minds in the remake.
Have yourself a cable-ridden Christmas. Watch your fill of crap. Every now and then a great movie falls in your lap. (All times in EST.) 8. Glow Ropes: The Rise And Fall Of A Bar Mitzvah Emcee (2007) TMC, Monday, December 22, 11:35pm Faux documentary regarding what the title implies. Piss-poor acting and pacing, but man, such a great idea. I should have copyrighted my concept for this movie when I came up with it. Someone's reading my thoughts!
7. Meatballs (1979) SHO Family, Sunday, December 21, 6:25pm Don't shower, don't shave, don't even bother changing out of your night clothes. Anytime Meatballs is on, it's totally chill to drop everything and vegetate. Bill Murray keeps it together through the loosest narrative possible, and Chris Makepeace all but defines emo as "Wudy The Wabbit."
6. Aliens vs Predator: Requiem (2007) Cinemax, Monday, December 22, 12:45am Squick factor 10! Aliens, predators and "Pred-Aliens" land in Colorado, destroying humans and face-humping pregnant women and little kids. Features Fox TV stars from Rescue Me and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I dare you to tell me what's happening in the rubber-suit fight scenes. You can't sit far away enough from the screen.
5. Kuroneko (The Black Cat) (1968) IFC, Sunday December 21 8am Samurais murder two women, whose spirits live on to avenge their deaths. Fits in nicely with similar Japanese horror offerings Kwaidan and Onibaba. Get ready to get skeered.
Welcome to NCDSUV's splenetic, embittered new weekly feature, Overdressed
& Underclassed, which with each installment will dissect a different aspect
of celebrity fashion with the enthusiasm and exactitude of a taxidermist
suffering from the second clinical phase of rabies (caution: We have reached
the contagious stage).
This week we address Bridesmaid Fug. Just when we thought it
was safe to peruse US Weekly again in
the checkout line at the Big K, safe from the wedding-related Hollywood terror of
2006 and beyond (Katie Holmes & Tom Cruise, Anna Nicole Smith & J. Howard Marhsall, Pam Anderson & Kid Rock,
Avril Lavigne & Deryck Whibley, Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban, etc.) the most wretched, the most
insidious and the most unavoidable component that crops up in every nuptial cocktail,
from Boise to Bel Air, is upon us.
For some utterly inconceivable reason, celebrity starlets have taken it upon
themselves to don bridesmaids' dresses to red carpet events. Was the trend
launched by a Machiavellian PR maven in a bid to surreptitiously lather us into
a matrimonial-obsessed frenzy right before the premiere of Bride Wars? (The stars of the movie, Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway,
bless their hearts, have not embraced the fad.)
Can ossified updos sprinkled with baby's breath and
Diamonique clips be far away? A SWAT Team has been sent to the Hollywood
& Highland
mall to investigate and is expected to report back any moment now...
*(P.S.: Links to the below red-carpet nightmares are located, mercifully, with the commentary for each entrant.)
8. Scarlett Johansson Scene Of The Crime: The Spirit promo in Paris. ScarJo generally likes to sheath herself in princessy, fussy garments while prancing down the carpet, and when it's good, it's very, very good. But when it's bad, it's horrid. Cue this horrifying vision in black and white. We have the bridesmaid-tastic, delicately frayed tulip edged bodice, the figure-truncating cummerbund, cutesy keyhole embroidery detailing and a homely burst of white tulle peeking out from under the tragic mid-calf no-go zone of hemlines. Her priggish black satin shoes with giant toe bows complete the look.
7. Alicia Witt Scene Of The Crime: The Australia premiere in New York. Pale redheads the world over generally quake in fear when "invited" to participate in their friend's big day. One of the many unwritten rules of bridesmaid dress is that its material must be spun in an unworldly, blindingly bright hue that will sear retinas and make fair, and God forbid, fire-tressed maids look like anemic Raggedy Anns. But Alicia actually opted to wear this specimen. Is it possible that, upon dressing and gazing at her countenance in a mirror, she actually said to herself: "Yes. This beaming purple sateen get-up with a bizarre strip of ruffles where my boobs should be, a baggy cummerbund and a knee-length skirt that may or may not conceal a family of hedgehogs in its flouncing, mysteriously billowing canopy-like space, will help me look impossibly chic when standing next to perma-perfectly coiffed fellow redhead paleface Nicole Kidman"?
6. Beyonce Scene Of The Crime: The Kennedy Center Honors in New York. Perhaps the generally faux-pas-proof Beyonce was channeling her alter ego, Sasha. Only that fierce lady or a bride with a laser-like focus on "having a really classy wedding" (you know, the one who insists on entering her reception hall in some sort of mechanized snow globe mid-smooch with her husband while the strains of Celine Dion's "Because You Loved Me" are blared into traumatized guests' ear lobes) could be responsible for the multitude of sins slathered on Her Bodaciousness. A) The black lace top outfitted with not one, but two bows: one tulle number that resembles a Venus Flytrap and one satin ribbon that needs to meet an iron, STAT. B) The circulation-annihilating, floor-length satin black mermaid-style skirt. C) The 6-inch tall updo. D) The crazy "I'm trapped, SOS SOS" expression in Beyonce's eyes, trademark of all Bridezilla-victims.
5. Wendi Deng Scene Of The Crime: The Australia premiere in New York. This dress is a perfect example of too many chefs spoiling the soup, another pesky problem even the most opinionated bride faces when selecting the perfect(ly awful) bridesmaids dresses for her closest pals. Needy and vocal mothers, mothers-in-law, sisters and sisters-in- law are the most frequent saboteurs, and Deng's dress embodies the chaos that ensues when they all "just try to help!" Her bipolar outfit would be fine if the fun, bouncy black bottom half or the elegantly ruched, sleeveless satin top-half were allowed to rule the day. But together, and paired with granny-sheer tights, excessive bling and Payless-esque black pumps, it looks like the product of two mutually exclusive minds: the "I want you to be able to wear this dress again someday so just grab this LBD at J. Crew" school of thought and the "I want to pretend I'm the empress of the galaxy and you are my slaves for the day, suck up the damn the $600 price tag" mindset.
As you all know by now (since none of you, like me, go out on Saturday nights), Amy Poehler has fled the womb of Saturday Night Live, having fed sufficiently off its placenta before having a child of her own and finding leading-lady big-screen success with Baby Mama.
Which means that her birth canal isn't the only gaping hole in need of closure. The question now remains: Who, if anyone, will be her direct replacement on the program? Sure, the economy's tight and the show can just redesignate existing roles like any other organization would do. But it seems the perfect opportunity to give one of the following ladies the chance of their comedic lifetime. Unless, of course, they're satisfied with fleeting celebrity-roast visibility and shows that are perpetually at risk for cancellation. (And no, we didn't include Sarah Silverman. The last thing SNL needs is to be smothered with her snide, know-it-all irony.) 5. Lisa Lampanelli OK, even though they bill themselves as being not ready for prime time, the play-it-safe staple might not quite be prepared for the big, brash force of epithet-spewing nature that is Lampanelli. Renowned for her bawdy standup and willingness to endure jokes about her love of big black jock on several of Comedy Central's celebrity roasts, Lampanelli's skillset would need some rounding out to fit into SNL as a performer. But as pure, gender-barrier-breaking funnny goes, there's few femmes out there who do it better.
4. Jessica St. Clair Sure, this adorably freckled Best Week Ever correspondent is having some success with Worst Week, and has made some memorable film appearances in the likes of For Your Consideration. So in that respect she might be otherwise engaged. But this perky improv-style up-and-comer possess just the right combination of sort-of attractiveness and inoffensive but convincingly charismatic wit that the Weekend Update chair begs for.
Welcome back to Unnecessary Album Releases, an NCDSUV feature where we highlight the week's most bizarre, dull and often unpleasant albums from the music industry's "left"er side of the dial. Behold the most fantastically superfluous musical curiosas for the week of December 16, 2008.
6. Electric Wizard, Let Us Prey Doom rockers space out on re-issue These doom/stoner metal makers have been at it since 1993, and this week, are apparently re-releasing what seems to be their entire catalog. But it's the would-be-cleverly titled Let Us Prey that caught our eye. This sludgy, aggressive record is the perfect for those who missed the stoner-rock boat when it was named KYUSS.
5. Mr. Children, Supermarket Fantasy J-Pop superstars realize fetish on new effort What's creepier than naming your band Mr. Children? Naming your 12th studio release Supermarket Fancy and adorning the cover art with two lovers embraced amidst an orbit of groceries. In all fairness to arguably the most successful Japanese pop act, it just might be that the title looses something in its translation, right?
Oh Republicans: out of power, in the wilderness, adrift at sea, cast
away, lost. Where will you go? Who will you turn to? Our suggestion?
The cast of Lost. See, while the Democrats have managed to out-strategize,
out-fundraise and out-spend them, there's one area where Republicans
still hold an advantage, and that's turning bad actors into successful
politicians.
Even while the Dems
pull the celebrity endorsements, celebrity money and celebrity votes,
it's the Republicans who've proven that they can run a celebrity
candidate, and the worse the actor, the more successful the politician
he becomes.
Think about it. Clint Eastwood: talented actor, didn't make it past
Mayor Of Carmel. Ronald Reagan: co-starred with a chimp in Bedtime For Bonzo
and became President Of The United States. What's better is that,
unlike a winning on-the-ground organization or intellectual
infrastructure, the Democrats can't seem to co-opt this strategy. Even
Al Franken,
who not only starred in, but co-wrote, Stewart Saves His Family, is
barely squeaking by in the Minnesota Senate recount.
Whether it's the
good hair, straightforward diction, or child-like emotional simplicity, the fact is, Republican voters love to pull the lever
for really shitty performers. So while the mainstream media argues
over whether Sarah Palin or Bobby Jindal
are the next conservative standard bearers, we look back on the top bad-actors-turned-successful-Republican- politicians, and give you a sneak
peak at some current Hollywood stars the Grand Old Party should get
busy recruiting.
8. Alan Autry
You might remember Fresno Mayor Alan Autry as Captain Bubba Skinner
from the popular(ish) TV show In The Heat Of The Night, in which case
you might have too much time on your hands. Still, Autry shares a lot
in common with some of his more famous compatriots on this list; he's
beefy with weird hair and just a little bit of stupid around the eyes.
With In The Heat's cancellation, Autry was able to parlay his role as
a Southern cop learning racial tolerance in the new south to it's next
logical step: an outspoken opponent of gay rights in the State Of
California. Most Likely Hollywood Political Successor: Vin Diesel. He's got those stupid eyes.
7.George Lloyd Murphy George
Lloyd Murphy is the granddaddy of them all. When this 1930s B-movie
star won his California Senate seat he proved that the jump from
unremarkable actor to elected official wasn't quite as far as any
correct thinking individual would have hoped. In fact, Reagan once
called Murphy his John the Baptist, because Reagan thought he was
Jesus, even before he had Alzheimer's. Aside from paving the way for
Reagan and just about everyone else on this list, Murphy is famous for
having said in defense of the laws governing migrant workers that
Mexicans were genetically suited to farm labor;
because they were "built lower to the ground," which of course made it
"easier for them to stoop." Most Likely Hollywood Political Successor: Ronald Reagan. Duh.
6. Jesse "The Body" Ventura OK,
he's an Independent, and not technically a Republican, but he's an
Independent Libertarian which, if you ask Ron Paul, is the same thing.
Plus, he's got everything a Republican wrestler-turned actor-turned
politician could want, he likes to point his finger in people's chests
and yell, he's brawny, smokes cigars and was in the cast of The Predator(along with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sonny Landham
who unsuccessfully ran for Governor of Kentucky in 2002 and who isn't
on this list cause he was actually a worse politician than he was an
actor). He doesn't have good hair, but on the bright side, he also
wasn't a good actor, and when he shaves his head he looks kind of like
a penis, which makes him look virile, which voters love. Most Likely Hollywood Political Successor: I'm tempted to go with 2000 Republican Convention speaker The Rock,
cause you know they're both wrestlers and stuff, but I'm gonna go with
Jason Statham since he's also bald, has a propensity for poking people in the chest and an uncanny ability to
play the same character in every movie he's ever been in.
5. Shirley Temple Black
And now it's time for the ladies! Well, lady. But what a lady! She
lived the fairy tale. Child star grows up, marries a handsome man just
out of the army, divorces him, then goes on to marry an older plutocrat
and run unsuccessfully for Congress on a strongly pro-Vietnam platform.
She dared us all to dream. Still, despite the unsuccessful Congressional run, she had quite the political career as an official diplomat
under Richard Nixon, because although she didn't have the rugged good looks
and/or penis required to win an election as a Republican at the time,
she sure had crazy hair. Most Likely Hollywood Political Successor: The future Mrs. Dakota Fanning Murdoch.
Lost your job, did you? Enjoy the few weeks left in your cable subscription before it gets shut off. Films from the Cable Afterlife is like a drink to help you forget, Dean Martin-style, yet another plunge into the moldy basement of movies on TV. Do you care that this column is pay cable-centric? Want to know more about the seedy underside of basic cable as well? Let us know by e-mailing nudecelebritydeathsuv@gmail.com or leaving comments below! In the meantime, here's some films you would do well to watch. (All times in EST.)
8. DOUBLE FEATURE ALERT: Beyond The Fog (1972) Turner Classic Movies, Saturday, December 13, 2:15am Horror House (1969) Turner Classic Movies, Saturday, December 13, 3:45am Busty British women (Jill Haworth appears in both features), blood and a vengeful female god wait for you on Snape Island, while "teenager" Frankie Avalon waits out a long, dark, stabby night with other "teenagers" in an old house. Here's prime UHF fantasy fodder, drilling sex and death into the heads of the burnouts who might have crammed into a fleabag theater on the Deuce to cop drugs, and to the sugar-addled kids who would catch on via Saturday afternoon Suspense Theater matinees on TV. And with a major network repealing standard primetime hours, let's hole to see more desperation programming like this to counter the real schlock: reality TV.
7. The Ruins (2008) Cinemax, Sunday, December 13, 10pm, assorted times during the week, and On Demand Unless you catch Holocaust/white people-learning-'bout-life weepie The Boy In The Striped Pajamas, you may not find a worse feature film this year than this adaptation of Scott B. Smith's gripping horror novel. Prose turns to feces, an ill-gotten gift festers under idiocy and poor direction for all to see. Witless Yankee co-eds on spring break in Mexico run off, wholly unprepared, for an endless hike into the jungle to visit some ancient ruins. While there, they're assaulted by the natives when they try to escape, and are entwined by blood-sucking, viral vines that pick them off one by one. Only the brave and dulled of spirit will be able to make it past the point where the vines start "talking."
6. Pact With The Devil (aka Dorian) (2001) TMC Xtra, Tuesday, December 16, 2:05am Hey, howzabout a straight-to-video, "modern" update of The Picture Of Dorian Gray? No? Too bad. Malcolm McDowell chews on the set as the demon that keeps the painting in play. Not for the weak or listless.
5. Areola 51 (2008) Showtime (Showcase), Tuesday, December 16, 2:15am Normally I don't revert to Skinemax as a valid choice. Nor have I watched this heartwarming tale of a woman abducted and serviced by "fem-aliens" (though you might). I just wanted to address the fact that there's a movie called Areola 51. Proceed with your life.
Today marks the launch of NCDSUV's splenetic, embittered new weekly feature, Overdressed & Underclassed, which with each installment will dissect a different aspect of celebrity fashion with the enthusiasm and exactitude of a taxidermist suffering from the second clinical phase of rabies (caution: We have reached the contagious stage).
In this inaugural piece, we will explore the prevalent problem of personality disorders among the glitterati and their affect on our ability to surf the Web and flip through glossies without causing our eyes, nay, our very souls, to bleed. One in five adults has a personality disorder that can interfere with their ability to separate fact from fiction, zebras from zinnias and prettiness from pulchritude. And logic dictates that personality disorders would affect celebrities more than the rest of the species. Today, we're focusing on female offenders.
9. Madonna Diagnosis: Schizoid Personality Disorder Madge bears all of the unfortunate hallmarks of SPD: odd dress, beliefs and behavior; palpable discomfort with close relationships; inappropriate emotional responses; and "magical thinking," i.e. the belief that you can influence people and events with your thoughts alone. Her Madgesty's sartorial sins are really just drops in her shiny, black-latex crazypants bucket, but they are significant nonetheless. Since the dawn of the new millennium and (coincidentally?) middle age, the Material Girl lost her fashion touch. The heady days of drooling over a brash, grinning bleach-blond in cone bras, tacky-chic lace gloves, insanely poofy but totally cute taffeta skirts, (ironic) religious jewelry and an armful of black rubber bracelets are gone. Now we've got snaps of a snarling Ms. Ciccone flexing her pale, ropy limbs for the stalkerazzi in her skuzziest skull-emblazoned workout gear or sporting questionable couture. Worst of all, Marc Jacobs, generally brilliant but a total ditz when it comes to selecting his "muses," is perpetuating, under-writing and encouraging the fashion train wreck by signing Madonna as the new face of Louis Vuitton. The new, frozen, swollen, sullen, skin-tight skullface of Louis Vuitton.
8. Amy Winehouse Diagnosis: Borderline Personality Disorder There are a few things you can depend on with Wino: glittering eyes that perpetually burn with the spark of chaos and fashion choices that clearly reflect her BPD; impulsive and risky behavior (see: the shameless cultivation of her omnipresent beehive and frequent decisions to don bras as tops and sport see-through tank tops sans necessary supportive undergarments); lack of stability (see: repeated sidewalk spills due to a deadly cocktail and total inability to commit to either crackwhore chic or baglady chic); and volatile relationships (see: an apparent total disregard for her apparel, as expressed through repeated cutting, shredding and tearing of wife beaters and Daisy Dukes).
7. Winona Ryder Diagnosis: Antisocial Personality Disorder Ryder was the '90s rolled up into one gloomy, pale, listless (yet still strangely perky and idealistic) package, but since then her star has been eclipsed by the go-go Hollywood hussies of the aughts. During her Icarus-like flameout into B-status, the erstwhile drab packer threw off the oversized flannel but maintained her distinctly APD approach to clothing herself. Winona's condition is characterized by a disregard for others, a persistent streak of lying and stealing, recurring difficulties with the law and repeated violations of the rights of others. Like her career, her targets of thievery have spiraled downward; this year, she was accused of stealing make-up from CVS. Winona was never officially charged.
6. The Olsen Twins Diagnosis: Avoidant Personality Disorder The direful dyad has always worn APD (feelings of inadequacy, extreme shyness in social situations, timidity, social isolation, hypersensitivity to criticism or rejection) on its hyper-tailored sleeves. The reclusive, creepy-close genetic photocopies have never really been accepted by young Hollywood's reigning nightlife cabal (Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole RIchioe, et al), likely perpetuating the Olsens' already gossamer grip on sanity. Currently, their increasingly pinched, pixie-like faces can rarely be spied poking through their cascading blond tresses and under their titanic shades as they clutch each other and shuffle on their reedy little stems in Grey Gardens-esque "Little Edie" Bouvier Beale gear (giant fur coats atop leggings and high-rise platform heels, paired with giant designer bags in exotic skins and ludicrous scarves) from one awkward press event to the next. When Ashley and Mary-Kate muster enough courage to emerge from Cousin It mode and smile for the cameras, the results are invariable cringetastic, their pasty, angular faces resembling kabuki masks suddenly coming to life.
We're sorry. We've been a bad pop-culture blog. It's been a good couple of months since we've annotated some of the month's finest missteps in cable-guide copywriting. But now that the fall TV season is over, and shows like Pushing Daisies will indeed be doing just that, we figured the time was right to compile the autumnal period's five finest, most fabulously botched Info-Bar blunders and misleading film descriptions. And boy, would this five-set make for one confusing week of primetime network programming.
5.Poetic Justice The Actual Story: Tupac Shakur and one of his pals take Janet Jackson and one of her girlfriends up California in his mail truck, and Pac and Janet get over their sitcom-y differences and find sweet, sweet, nasty love. Janet-style love, if you're nasty that is. Cable-Info Bar Synopsis: "Mail truck takes mismatched couple from L.A. to Oakland." What Their Description Would Have You Believe: That Justice is a Herbie The Love Bug-esque tween-oriented adaptation of a little seen kids cartoon in which a personified mail truck serves as both chauffeur and liaison of romance for its inhabitants. And then watches them fuck.
4. The Gauntlet The Actual Story: Playing perfectly along with type (according to a stock character he helped reshape the mold for), Eastwood is a down-and-out cop who rediscovers his law-abiding, badguy-bashing gusto after being assigned to protect a hooker from the mafia en route to her testimony in an important trial. Cable-Info Bar Synopsis: "Odds are against detective and prostitute." What Their Description Would Have You Believe: While they've made a formidable tag team in the past, Las Vegas bet makers are skeptical the previously undefeated pairing of Shockley and Mally can continue their title reign against the up-and-coming combination of Hawk and Animal, aka The Road Warriors (aka The Legion Of Doom).
Beginning today, NCDSUV will broadcast a weekly feature known as Unnecessary Album Releases Of The Week, highlighting the week's most egregiously bizarre, dull and often unpleasant albums from the music industry's "left"er side of the dial.
So, from the shrills of pop to the bass-driven rhythms and rhyme of hip-hop, to studious indie rockers and the guttural belly of death metal shockers (not to mention dance, trance and fancy pants), we'll exhume the most fantastically superfluous musical curiosas for the week of December 9, 2008.
7. GG Allin, Freaks, Faggots, Drunks & Junkies Shit-eater resurfaces Though Allin has an immense catalog of music, he was probably best known for performing naked, while rolling around, eating his own excrement. His abrasive and largely vulgar punk rock spent much of its lifespan holding court in the nether regions of punk's nowhere Ville, making you wonder why anyone would itch for a reissue that includes the gem "Suck My Ass It Smells."
6. Magica, Wolves And Witches Dio finally inspires Symphonic power/gothic metal quintet Magica (yes that's their real name) formed in Romania in 2002 and have waxed tacky, cringe-worthy, absolutely gratuitous music since. The quintet, led by the grating vocals of Ana Mladinovici, is perfect for those mythic role-playing gamers who woefully pine for the Scorpions or Helloween.
5. Jimmy Buffett, License To Chill Mr. Puka-shell is laid back, with his money on his mind It's pretty tough to imagine that, after writing such ditties as "Cheeseburger in Paradise" and "Margaritaville," the Hawaiian shirt-wearing Jimmy Buffett maintained anything resembling a career. On License To Chill, he embraces old-school country songsters like Hank Williams with a little help from new school twangsters. But, oddly enough, the re-released and embarrassingly titled record (OK, not so oddly, as the record was the biggest-selling in Buffet's three-decade-long career), resurfaces just in time to unleash that holiday party animal in your parents.
In
spite of a robust Black Friday and a new president-elect in town, we
are in a recession. The media is afraid to officially declare it, but
as they say, if it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, then
it's probably a mallard looking for work.
If the gloomy financial
climate's got you down, forget what Jim Cramer, the Money Honey,or
anyone else on CNBC has to say. Everything you need to know about
making your way through this dry spell can be cribbed from the world of
film. At the very least, these 13 economically sound pictures will keep
your spirits in the black even if your assets are in the red.
13.Zack And Miri Make A Porno
Do what cums naturally and get paid for it.
Judging
by the population size of most third world countries, it's apparent
that there is one thing in life you can still do for free. So why not
document it and make some money while you're at it? It might cost you
your self-respect and your dignity, but you could always buy those back
later.
12.Tommy Boy
Going through life fat, drunk and stupid is a viable option... most of the time.
There
is nothing like a road trip to get your slacker ass in gear. If you
happen to be on a last chance, Hail Mary mission to save your late
father's company make sure that you take a little hope, a bit of
salesmanship and an inhumanly high threshold of pain with you. And
while you're at it, bring along a pessimistic, sarcastic sidekick to
keep you grounded and to sing back-up. Stir these elements together, and
"voila!" your recipe for success is complete.
11. The Money Pit
Avoid fixer-uppers at all costs.
The
housing crisis has everyone scared for a lot of different reasons, but
until you're electrocuted by your own doorbell or the bathtub falls
through the ceiling, you don't really have anything to fear. On top of
that, you do not have Shelley Long bitching continuously in your ear,
so quit whining.
10. Mr. Mom
Leave the house, homemaking is not for pussies.
Think
it's a jungle out there? Feel that stay-at-home moms have it easy? Do
screaming children, predatory neighbors and killer appliances sound
like fun? Didn't think so. Whenever your boss or the assholes at the
office give you a hard time, remember that it ain't all bonbons and
soap operas at home either.
9. Down And Out In Beverly Hills
Get adopted by a rich family.
Wealthy
kooks are a dime a dozen in the 90210 zip code, and when they aren't out
making petty wagers on peoples' lives, they're busy giving handouts to
bums and layabouts. If you ever find yourself without a pot to piss in
or a window to throw it out of, just track down a tony household with a
dog (like Tarzan, the homeless have an uncanny ability to bond with
animals) and become a guilty liberal's mascot for a while. It's a dirty
job, but it beats turning tricks for loose pocket change any day.
8. The Pursuit of Happyness
"If you want something, go get it. Period."
Who
is more qualified to make that statement than Will Smith, a man from
the suburbs who struggled valiantly from birth to the ripe old age of
twenty before he finally became an international superstar in the face
of practically insurmountable odds? Keep the Fresh Prince's words of
wisdom in mind the next time you're forced to crash in the men's room
for the night.
Alarm
clocks suffer great wrath for their mere function. Radio alarm clocks,
when they came along in the 1940s, were meant to ease the ire by waking
us with entertainment, tunes and information. But some of the songs
that have made their way onto mainstream radio, and stayed through 2008 (from the lyrically inappropriate to the demotivating or
unfortunately catchy) have restored our love of simpler reveille.
In
fact, we'd rather wake up to cold water in our faces, or worse, The Bob
& Tom Show's PG banter, than these songs again. Radio 2009: If
you're out there and listening to us, for once, make it good again.
Make it right.
10. Rihanna, "Disturbia"
Waking up in the wee, dark hours of the
morning to the thought of cereal: good. Waking up in the wee, dark
hours of the morning to the thought of a serial killer like the one
in Disturbia (for which this was a theme
song): bad. We love Rihanna generally, but not for making a commercial
for a Shia LaBoeuf horror flick into a hit song that won't go away.
9. Panic At The Disco, "Nine In The Afternoon"
First,
Panic!At!The!Disco! confused everyone by having a name loaded with
exclamation points, then suddenly not. Is that emo? Then, Panic At The
Disco confused us by making an amazing Radiohead song ("Karma
Police") sound like crap with live, melodramatic covers. In 2008, the
band unleashed some strange new time-telling system, making matters
worse. "Nine In The Afternoon" on the radio first thing just makes
people feel like they're running late.
8. Plain White T's, "Hey There Delilah"
WHY ARE YOU STILL ON AIR? Weren't you released in 2005?
7.
Ne-Yo, "Closer"
Besides sounding, in an uncredited way, like
"Maniac" by Michael Sembello from the Flashdance soundtrack, Ne-Yo's
"Closer" annoys as much as it rocks. It's too catchy. It's too slinky,
with way too relatable lyrics (about a guy, spellbound by the wrong
woman at the wrong time). And it's too impossible to sing along to it
unless your name happens to be Usher, Prince or Chris Brown.
6. Feist, "1234"
A proposal for the Barack Obama
administration: Make it illegal for mainstream radio stations to keep
airing songs that have been drilled into our heads by way of iPod
advertising. We'll vote yes. (Sorry Feist.)
But anyone who's followed the histories of other troubled child-turned-sort-of-adult celebrities like Danny Bonaduce (or watched a moment of the unrelenting Celebrity Rehab) knows, fame is a magical rollercoaster rode with as many vomit-inducing downward trajectories as slow-building re-entries to the glorious peak. In other words, Britney's got decades of birthdays left to publicly exploit, and we've got a feeling some of them might turn out like this:
December 2, 2009 Fresh off a year-long tour in support of Circus, Britney announces that she met the love of her life while on the road, in the form of one her dancers, a buff baldy named Chris Judd. She quickly annuls the relationship and begins a torrid courtship with Ben Affleck, before marrying Marc Anthony and nearly sabotaging her career with a sub-Scarface biopic... OK, that story's too out there, even by the standards of Hollywood romance.
December 2, 2012 To commemorate the fact that one of her idols, Mariah Carey, was 31 at the time of her TRL meltdown, Britney decides to shock and befuddle the nation by appearing at the MTV Video Music Awards and making out with some old British lady who works out too much while slinging a giant python over a bikini-clad ensemble that looks like something out of Annette Funicello's lingerie collection. Nation thinks it looks familiar, but can't remember anything they saw on MTV beyond 15 minutes ago.
December 2, 2021 Reeling from the critical and commerical disappointment of her 10th record, Oops, I Did It Again, And This Time There's Really Little Apology, Because You Already Reprimanded Me On The Previous Occasion, Britney finally poses for Playboy to prove her vitality. Instead, proves empirically that she'd lost her virginity to Justin Timberlake, if not earlier, thanks to creases around her vagina that were decoded by forensic scientists like rings around the stump of a ficus.
Back
in the halcyon days of yore, everyone from urbane, high-brow fashion
designers to rural, overall-wearin' Midwestern farmers sought out their
own personal fashion avatars from a stunning gallery of lady
aristocrats like Caroline Astor, Babe Paley, the Vanderbilts and CZ
Guest. While many were born into the gougères-munching, Don Pérignon-swilling,
twinkle-toed fancy ways of Park Avenue, they were well-educated,
upstanding dames who used their influence to build museums, launch
charities and generally reach out to (however condescendingly) the
grubby other half.
That's in violent contrast to the fashion avatars of our current
regressive, knuckle-dragging era: Celebuspawn of the Female Variety.
And it's not just oblivious Ohio State frosh. Impossibly sophisticated
designers also take inspirational cues from these teeny terrors, not to
mention pack their runways with 'em. The current crop of celebuspawn,
unlike the socialites who preceded them, do little, if nothing to
further the cause of anything but themselves. Which wouldn't be tragic,
if they didn't insist on shoving their various and sundry "fashion"
lines down our greedy little gullets. Or in some cases, being forced down our throats as walking fashion projects in and of themselves. Here, we take a look at their
most bloodcurdling ventures, and nepotism-fueled existences as trend-inspiring icons:
8. Angela and Vanessa Simmons
Phat
Farmer Russell Simmons has used the tacktastic Run's
House to excrete his two eldest daughters (with Baby Phater
Kimora Lee Simmons) into the lucrative MTV reality swamp, launcher of
countless fameballs and unnecessary, aesthetically offensive "fashion"
lines. Angela and Vanessa, who also model, enter beauty pageants and
appear in music videos, decided to rip a page out of Lauren Conrad's
fuzzy pink playbook and foist their hideous taste on the world with
what must be one of the most preposterous premises since grillz. Their
"fashion" line (once just sneakers, now clothing, shoes and, egad,
handbags) is inspired by edible dainties. The resulting line, Pastry,
is as appealing as a dust-ball-encrusted Dunkin' Donuts éclair wedged
under your Aunt Ida's bed between her heating pad and economy-size tube
of Bengay. Unless of course lipstick-kiss patterns, gold zippers, jeans
with butt-bows or plum boat shoes with turquoise shoe laces are your
thing, in which case you should totally check out www.pastrykicks.com for other classy looks, like the Pastry Blueberry Glam Chukka and the Pastry Neon Fruit Cinch Sack. Delish!
7. Frances Bean Cobain
Chanel.
The name evokes scents of jasmine, rose and sandalwood; visions of
ballerina slippers, LBDs and gorgeously wrought (if ridiculously
stuffy) suits and quilted chain-link handbags and a history of
glamazing (if vaguely anal-retentive) spokesmodels like Catherine
Denueve, Nicole Kidman and Audrey Tautou. Now add moon-faced,
jutty-jawed 15-year-old Frances Bean Cobain to the list. (One of these
things is not like the others.) While she certainly has creamy
porcelain skin going for her, she otherwise looks like your average pouty,
self-conscious mall chick. If she weren't Kurt Cobain and Courtney
Love's possibly (hopefully?) evil seedling, and therefore the source of
increasing fascination as she reaches her teen years, Karl Otto
Lagerfeld would be screaming "Nein!" and flailing ineffectually about
in his skintight Dior suit and aviator sunglasses, slapping assistants
with his fingerless black biker gloves outfitted with pinkie rings at
the very prospect of including such a well, commoner, in his next ad
campaign. Instead, he's probably chortling victoriously over the free
publicity it's already received. Because, really, who isn't curious
about everything the genetic hot mess that is Frances Bean Cobain
produces as she exits adolescence?
6. Rumer Willis
It
must kind of suck ass to be Rumer. From a purely demographic
standpoint, she should be dating her stepfather. But Ashton's boinking
Mom because she's hotter, sassier, sexier and is overflowing with that
je ne se qua poor little Jaws will never taste. Luckily for her,
nepotism in Hollywood is alive and well. Were she the spawn of say
Betty-Sue and Fred of Omaha, her beady-eyed potatohead would be
considered a fatal career-sinking liability, but as Demi Moore and Bruce
Willis' scion, she's being aggressively marketed as a, gulp, hottie.
She's been in gaggles of Demi's movies and magazine spreads, and lately
she's been branching out on her own, though not very auspiciously.
She's been cast as a lovable loser in The House
Bunny and modeled for Wal-Mart fave Ocean Pacific. But
someone's got a pal at People. In an inexplicable
development, she was voted one of 2008's 100 Most Beautiful People.
5. Nicole Richie
Nicole
has turned doing nothing, and not being particularly pleasant,
attractive or coherent while doing these nothings, and getting paid
for it into an art form. The best part about the Nicole story is how
incredibly embarrassing and cheesy her father Lionel Richie's music is.
I mean, seriously: "All Night Long"? Ew! But Nicole
has managed to harness all of his Grammy-Award-winning heft
for her purposes, while successfully jettisoning any and all lame
associations. From starring in The Simple Life with
Paris Hilton, to various drinking and drug-related arrests, to serving
an 82-minute jail sentence, to marrying Joel Madden and popping out her
own celubuspawn, to launching a line of accessories
and jewelry, Nicole has captivated, infuriated, repulsed, worried and
thrilled an hopelessly enthralled public. While her actual achievements
are still as thin as her wasp waist, at least she's the only lady on this list
with the soul of an entertainer.
From Black Friday to the Thursday following, Films From The Cable Afterlife fleeces you for your time and effort as you sit on your couch, absorbing the lost stocking stuffers from video's filthy past, and all of the discomfort that comes with it. Roll up your sleeves, because this brain drain time suck isn't going to unclog itself.
8. Channel Of The Apes Fox Movie Channel, Thursday, November 27 thru Sunday, November 30 Good god. It's every Planet Of The Apes movie, along with all of the serialized episodes of the TV show. All they're missing is the animated series. Seriously though, this is a perfectly valid way to spend 96 hours, especially as you get to the less successful iterations of this sci-fi chestnut. If you can make it through Life, Liberty And Pursuit On The Planet Of The Apes, you have what it takes... to do what, I have no idea
.
7. Under Pressure (1997) HBO Signature, Monday, December 1, 1am; HBO2, Wednesday, December 3, 4:40am Look for the name Craig R. Baxley, a '70s stuntman-turned-director of action schlock, for a promise of wild times within. Miles away from leading Carl Weathers through Action Jackson and "The Boz" through Stone Cold, we have this fetid little steamer, with rogue fireman Charlie Sheen snapping in a Los Angeles heat wave and taking his next-door neighbors hostage. Also starring Mare Winningham and Cheers' John Ratzenberger, last seen horrifyingly animated in a commercial for Pitney-Bowes self-postage machines.
6. Hammer House Mystery: Mark Of The Devil (1984) Fox Movie Channel, Monday, December 1, 4:30pm Handsome actor Dirk Benedict (Faceman!) is slowly covered in demonic tattoos that foretell heinous murders and crimes. Did he commit 'em? Who cares! It's a rare chance to see such talent dying on the vine; made-for-TV shocks from the UK's greatest horror studio.
5. Tim (1979) FLIX, Monday, December 1, 2:30pm Mel Gibson, right after Mad Max, goes for the Dewey Award as a learning-disabled gardener who begins a tender (or is it?) relationship with a female client (Piper Laurie). Wait for the scenes where he's wigging out. The Other Sister's got nothing on this one.
Like the soup you found a bug in, or the hot girl you took home who
ended up having a vestigial tail, sometimes Hollywood serves up a
movie that's enjoyable in every way except for that one little thing. You
know, that one performance that, while everyone else was working with
Martin Scorsese, feels like it was directed by Ed Wood.
For some viewers, a
performance like this might even be a deal breaker. But for those of
us inclined to eat around the fly, ignore that pesky tail by sticking
to the missionary position, and overlook some bad acting, they've just served to offer a glimpse of how great these movies
might have been.. if only these actors hadn't been in them.
7. Jack Black, King Kong
Who better to play the hammy showman
whose hubris sets the disastrous events into motion than hammy showman Jack Black? How
about anyone other than Jack Black? First act, when he's just being an
asshole and lying to everyone: fine. Second act, when he starts to
require a tiny bit of emotional depth: eh. Final act, when he redeems
himself and recognizes the tragedy he has wrought: not good.
Fortunately, Black's screen time decreases proportionately with his ability to sell
the role, so by the end you barely remember he was in it.
Which he was. Unfortunately.
6. Katie Holmes, Batman Begins Christopher
Nolan's vision for a new Batman franchise brought the character to the screen in a way we'd never seen: dark, gritty,
violent, complex and dating that annoying girl from Pieces Of April.
It's not just that her acting doesn't stand up to Christian Bale's (a
lot of people's acting doesn't really stand up to Christian Bale's). The
problem is more that Cillian Murphy is torturing mental patients while Katie appears to be trying to decide between Bruce Wayne, Dawson and Pacey.
5. John Travolta, Hairspray There's
something inherently weird about making a movie based on a musical that
was based on a movie that had musical numbers in it to begin with. But the music, along with the near-overwhelming level of camp, actually made
this pretty fun to watch stoned with your gay college
friend. The only think I couldn't figure out is why the main
character's mom is an annoying CGI toad. Oh, that's actually John Travolta in a fat suit and drag? Bummer.
The
holiday season is officially upon us. The food, the festivities, the
relatives. Feeling nauseous yet? Does spending quality time with the
fam fill you with unspeakable levels of fear and loathing? Do you break
out in sweaty hives at the very idea of all that forced togetherness
and pre-fab merrymaking? If that's the case, take heart, because it
could always be worse. No matter what your situation is, these 13
belligerent broods will make yours look positively Rockwellian by
comparison. You will be grateful that you're drowning in your own gene
pool and not theirs.
13. Parents
What
if instead of serving Tom Turkey for Thanksgiving, your
mother decided to dish up Tom, your next door neighbor? Living a
vegan's worst nightmare, a little boy realizes very quickly that
sometimes it's best to keep the origins of "mystery meat" mysterious.
So the next time you're bitching about that umpteenth turkey sandwich,
just be glad that the protein you're consuming never had arms or a
credit card. Guess Chevy Chase and the Griswolds were lucky Randy Quaid ran out of
meat that time he had them over for dinner.
12. Friday The 13th
Let's
look at this from the Voorhees' perspective, shall we? If some snotty,
half-witted counselors let your sorry, deformed ass drown at summer
camp, wouldn't you want your mom to dedicate the rest of her life to
avenging your death? It's the least she could do. June Cleaver, Claire
Huxtable, Maggie Seaver and all those other so-called, "good" mothers
aren't worthy of shining Mrs. Voorhees' bloody shoes. So kudos to you,
Jason's mom. A family that slays together stays together.
11. Sleepwalkers
It's
one thing to have a close relationship with your maternal unit, but
it's an entirely different ball of wax once you start sleeping with
her. In Stephen King's tale of felonious feline incest, shape-shifting
Brian Krause spurns Twin Peaks hottie Madchen Amick for his own mother. Who ever said cats aren't affectionate creatures?
10. What Ever Happened To Baby Jane?
The
only situation more unfortunate than being the black sheep of the
family is being at the ebony ewe's mercy. As in most cases of violent
sibling rivalry, the envious former child star blames her older sister
for her life's problems. Considering how the majority of juvenile
actors turn out, Baby Jane doesn't actually seem all that maladjusted.
9. Serial Mom
What
would be the final straw that would convince you that your mommy was
crazy? Her obsessive enforcement of the "no white after Labor Day"
rule? The fact that she speaks in a rumbling baritone that gives James
Earl Jones a run for his money? Or would it be her habit of killing
people for no good reason? Kathleen Turner addresses all these
questions and more during her John Waters-inspired spree.
8. The Stepfather
In spite of what The Brady Bunch
would have us believe, most stepfamilies go through an awkward
adjustment phase at first. Of course, that initial period of discomfort
may last a little longer if your new daddy happens to be a homicidal
maniac with severe identity issues. As the bizarro Mike Brady, Lost's Terry O'Quinn is a living, breathing (and murdering) endorsement for single moms to remain blissfully unattached.
7. Rob Zombie's Halloween
Providing
viewers with a glimpse into Michael Myers' less than ideal upbringing,
the lead singer of White Zombie gives us a peek at the boy behind the
mask. From his slutty sister to his stripper mama's drunken, live-in
boyfriend, The Shape's familial background is straight out of the
serial killer's handbook. Then again, if those were your relatives you
might be tempted to slaughter them, too.
As even the least loyal NCDSUV content-craver is aware, we love us some daily features. And one of the more popular (at least amongst, well, us and the people who it commemorates) is the Awesome Celebrity Birthday Of The Day, which acknowledges another turn of the calendar for a member of Hollywood land, even if it's a celebrity who often goes overlooked by the rest of the blogosphere, and regardless of whether we have a huge affinity for their body of work.
And in ACBOTD's inaugural month, the candles have been smothered with saliva for everyone from Charles Martin Smith to Vanessa Angel. But even the continual erosion of their mortality isn't as awesome as the annual birthday bashes warranted for these five folks, and here's an advance cumpleanos feliz to all the upcoming b-day boys and girls this December.
5. Judy Tenuta (November 7) Age: 52 Why She's Sort Of Awesome: Because she sounds like Yoda after a bender and plays the accordion like it was her job. Oh, wait... Most Likely Celebrity Status 20 Birthdays From Now: If she's lucky, serenading Friar's Club Roasts for generational peers like ex-hubby Emo Phillips (could you have imagined that nerdy nutjob household?). But more likely is a solo dinner-theater residence at a seedy motel in Miami. All Apologies To: Jason London, Jeremy London, Christopher Knight, Morgan Spurlock
4. Tracy Scoggins (November 13) Age: 55 Why She's Sort Of Awesome: The tawny-haired Venus balances a love of book learnin' (at 3, she was the youngest American ever to apply for a library card) with an unstudied devotion to her craptastically executed craft. Luckily, even Scoggins' most inept, ponderous portrayals are generally canceled out by her other, more corporeal, assets. Girlfriend robotically sashayed her way through gaggles of cheesy drama series like Lonesome Dove: The Outlaw Years, Highlander: The Series and Dallas. She's best known for playing Captain Elizabeth Lochley on Babylon 5. <strong>Most Likely Celebrity Status 20 Birthdays From Now:</strong>At 75, let's hope she's safely bundled into a nice retirement home in Boca Raton, making the other women dream up Dynasty-worthy plots to cut her down to size and making a bunch of lonely old men very, very happy. All Apologies To: Jimmy Kimmel, Rachel Bilson, Chris Noth, Whoopi Goldberg
