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Tyler Perry's Ernest Release, Aniston's Modest Body And Brangelina's Baby Bow: The Top 5 Things We Learned This Week

2009-01-30 16:00:19

By Kenny Herzog

The second week of President Barack Obama's (yeaaaaah, it feels good, doesn't it?) tenure in Washington left a few less casualties than usual in Hollywoodland. Unless you count Steven Adler, but his exploits on Sober House were technically filmed a few months back.

It was mostly a week for celebration, as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie unveiled their finest work yet, two nauseatingly adorable children, to the entire graduating class of a Japanese photography school.

But it was also five days of serious social commentary, courtesy of Ashlee Simpson and Kim Kardashian.

So without further drawn-out teasing of content that will ultimately be more succinctly stated than its lead-in, here are the top five things we learned this week:

5. Whether Tyler Perry's films offer something unique for an underserved demographic or actually pandering nonsense is debatable. But what's not up for argument is that someone should raise Jim Varney from the dead and give him some of Medea's royalties.

4. Jennifer Aniston likes to pretend getting naked on the cover of a magazine that sophisticated men jerk off to is somehow more noble than displaying airbrushed areolas for a publication less discreetly aimed at teenage boys and male divorcees. Then, again, what do you expect from a woman who's first major film role was in Leprechaun?

]]> 3. Brangelina's kids appear to have been blessed with good genes. But not as badass as Hackman's.

2. Hey, listen: It's cool with us if Jessica Simpson's making the rounds at down-south barbecues for her fleeting reinvention as a country singer, and subsequently resembling someone's middle-aged aunt. And we generally prefer our women curvy and as all-natural as soy-protein peanut butter. But all we're sayin' is, she just doesn't loom particularly alluring at the moment, and the weight gain isn't flattering to her figure. Alright there, PR-starved Armenian badonk-goddess Kim Kardashian?

1. Like a world's fastest runner who keeps smashing his own high watermarks, the Rock Of Love franchise continues to raise the bar for the scummiest TV that will somehow pass muster as acceptable, and widely accessible, prime-time content. And for this, perhaps even more than the nation's sudden swing toward a pragmatic and even-handed presidency, we say, "God Bless America."

The Slow Pitch: 'Parody Movie'

2009-01-30 14:21:54

By Andy Beckerman

As that gleaming behemoth Hollywood slouches towards irrelevance, the winds of change must begin to blow in from somewhere. And where better than the so-called blogosphere? Like the polit-o-blog revolution, the great pitches of tomorrow ain't going to flow from the bloated butthole of some Hollywood hack, but rather from the proletariat. So welcome to NCDSUV's newest feature, The Slow Pitch, where we play a little game of would-be screenwriter wish-fulfillment. And viva la revolución!

Gentlemints, today I have an idea for you that's so funbelievable, that's so fuckcredible that you'll be shitting your brains for a millennium. Now, this being tax season and all, I've been having my CPA look over the books. Here's the thing: Did you know that after you ignore all the creative accounting, the only flicks that made bank last year were all those Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer joints? You know, [Blank] Movie, and you can fill in the blank with whatever: Disaster Movie, Epic Movie, Date Movie, Meet The Spartans, uh, Movie. And so on.

When I got the news from the number freak, I flipped my lid collection. But right as I was about to pass out, an idea so monumental came to me that it can only be the product of divine intervention. Or a combination of orgasm and a lack of oxygen. But, you know, either or. And that idea is:

]]> Parody Movie.

Yes, the ultimate film in the Something Movie franchise; this will be the apotheosis of mocking mimicry... history repeating itself not as farce and tragedy, but as travesty!

Now, you know how the basic formula is to take scenes from other movies out of context, jumble them together and then throw in a farting dog? Well, Parody Movie will take the scenes from Friedberg and Seltzer's celluloid shitstains and then parody them by making them serious. Serious. That's more of a mindfuck than banging a telepathic whore.

But wait, there's more. If you thought that alone was going to Madoff us into riches, you're nothing but a gobsmacked craphole. See, the other day, my dealer made me sit down and watch some dumb pot film with him before he'd sell me a vial of Thai Juice (ladyboy spunk mixed with coke). But wouldn't you know it, this Pineapple Express thing grossed 100 mil worldwide and it was directed by some crableg auteur!

Now, add that into a little barnburner named The Dark Knight with that Christopher Nolan guy, and do you see where I'm saying words? Indie dipshits directing these things is like a license to print an application to secure the rights to an open pit gold mining operation at a mostly depleted South American excavation site.

My Parody Movie is already a cranial scrambler, but when you put Charlie Kaufman at the helm, it'll burn as fiercely as putting IcyHot in your ass. Now who wants to do a spoon of Thai Juice to celebrate?

Madonna Wins Custody Battle, Will Suck Kids' Life Force

2009-01-30 11:40:17

By Kenny Herzog

Guy Ritchie may have made out like a cockney-accented pulp-movie bandit during he and Madonna's divorce settlement. But she's heading back to the States with their two little tots, Rocco and David.

Or at least that's the word on the street. But it's been raining all morning and the sidewalk-chalk isn't really legible anymore, so who knows.

But presuming this information is accurate, one hopes Ritchie will be making occasional custody visits to ensure the safety of their tiny innocents. Because although it's a little known fact, Madge maintains her tightly wired figure and muscularity by draining the life's blood out of cute young boys in a scared Kabbalah ritual.

What do you think explains her relationship with Justin Timberlake?

Anna Faris To Marry Random Guy From 'O.C.'

2009-01-30 10:22:47

By Kenny Herzog

Looks like the only one hopping into the sack with House Bunny Anna Faris will be "actor" Chris Pratt, best known as the not-incredibly revolutionary Che on The O.C. Or, to a devoted legion of fans, as part of the "Miscellaneous Crew" on the 1995 Alfred Molina/Helen Slater box-office breaker The Steal.

And as it turns out, the Scary Movie starlet, considered by many to possess the slapstick potential of Lucille Ball (and by some, we mean the NCDSUV interns), has been engaged to the lucky schmuck since late last year. Which means it wasn't really that long-harbored a secret, given that it's not even February.

But regardless, good luck young lovers. And Mr. Pratt, please do tell your wife-to-be that those choppy blond bangs she was sporting on SNL are a major no-no, no matter how much her adorableness compensates for occasional faux paus.

Awesome Celebrity Birthday Of The Day: Gene Hackman

2009-01-30 10:00:15

By Kenny Herzog

Welcome to one of NCDSUV's favorite daily features, where we acknowledge another turn of the calendar for a member of Hollywood land, even if it's a celebrity who often goes overlooked by the rest of the blogosphere, and regardless of whether we have a huge affinity for their body of work.

Yesterday, we did some private investigating and discovered Tom Selleck turned 64, and today we made good on our French connections and unearthed it to be the big day for a guy with great acting genes who's anything but a hack.

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Gene Hackman
Age: 79
Why He's Sort Of Awesome: You ever see Prime Cut? You should. And not just because Sissy Spacek is naked in virtually every other scene. Well, OK, maybe that's the preeminent motivator. But Gene also delivers a performance that's both vintage and well-aged Hackman all rolled into one slimy Southern prostitute-smuggler. It's the equivalent of how early Jack Nicholson roles in Five Easy Pieces and Carnal Knowledge are still weirdly the best encapsualtion of his charismatically vicious screen presence. So yeah, check that shit out.
Most Likely Celebrity Status 20 Birthdays From Now: Hackman is going to party like he's both 19 and 99, swilling shots of whiskey with the cast of The Replacements from the bed in his convalescent home. And telling stories about the time he and Hugh Grant got into an intense game of "Pass The Macademia Nut" on the set of Extreme Measures. We have no idea what that means either. Hell, the guy's senile.
All Apologies To: Christian Bale, Vanessa Redgrave, Andy Milonakis, Wilmer Valderrama, Phil Collins

Click here for the Awesome Celebrity Birthday archive.

Films From The Cable Afterlife: 01/30/09-02/05/09

2009-01-30 09:00:25

By Doug Mosurock

Here we go with another ridiculous Films From The Cable Afterlife. As usual, we scour the cable movie listings and turn up some diamonds, and lots of the rough. For best results, watch both. Your life may improve!

8. Mystery Of Monster Island (1981)
Fox Movie Channel, Wednesday, February 3, 4am
Unbelievable pile of crap by Juan Piquer Simon, one of the worst directors of the 20th century (he's also responsible for X-rated chainsaw slasher Pieces, MST3K fodder Pod People and K-Tel Films release The Supersonic Man). How a major studio found their way around distributing this one is anybody's guess (a series of blowjobs, perhaps), but you will never see Terence Stamp look more embarrassed. Watch if you dare.

7. DOUBLE FEATURE ALERT
Pumpkin Karver (2006)
The Movie Channel, Saturday, January 31, 12am
Pumpkinhead (1988)
IFC, Saturday, January 31, 1:35am
The stars have aligned: two pumpkin-related horror movies back-to-back on the same night. Different networks, but still, work with me here. Friday Night Lights' Minka Kelly stars in the serial killer/Juggalo-style horror dumper Pumpkin Karver, while Lance Henriksen conjures up a demon to kill bikers in Stan Winston's minor classic Pumpkinhead. It's "Pumpkininny!"

6. Booty Call (1997)
Cinemax (@MAX), Sunday, February 1, 8:05pm; Cinemax (WMAX), Monday, February 2, 6:50pm; Cinemax, Tuesday, February 3, 8:30pm
Boisterous, offensive and couthless, Booty Call is actually one of the funnier comedies of the late '90s, and deserves another look. Jamie Foxx and Vivica A. Fox (playing characters named Bunz and Lysterine, respectively), join Tommy Davidson, a fake Indian guy, a dog that barks "Nigga Please!" in subtitles (and one Gedde Watanabe, willing to take any role no matter the stereotype, saying "Nigga Preese" in a Chinese restaurant), some hilarious orange pants, an incident with Saran Wrap as dental dam and some dude named Ug Lee. There's no one who won't be upset in its 79 minute runtime, but I don't think it'd work any other way. Watch it and pick your jaw up off the floor.

5. Ladies And Gentlemen The Fabulous Stains (1981)
Turner Classic Movies, Saturday, January 31, 2am
I hope that now this one has finally made it onto DVD, and not from some bootleg version that's been duped a thousand times from a Betamax that caught it on Showtime in the '80s, that we can see this legendary unreleased film for what it is: kind of a stinker. Still, there's never been anything like it before or since, and it's a fun time with a message. Teenagers Diane Lane and Laura Dern start a makeshift punk band that lands an opening spot for the fake real punk band The Looters, featuring Sex Pistols Steve Jones and Paul Cook, The Clash's Paul Simonon and fronted by actor Ray Winstone. They create a media circus and have it all collapse on them within days, but it's a good enough time, also starring Fee Waybill from The Tubes and a special (awesome) appearance from Black Randy and the Metrosquad. Join the professionals!

]]> 4. Shotgun Stories (2007)
Sundance Channel, Wednesday, February 4, 10pm; Thursday, February 5, 3am
A quiet, powerful indie that stays with you, Shotgun Stories (produced by David Gordon Green), features an intense lead performance from Oscar nominee Michael Shannon, one of America's best actors. Here he plays the oldest of three sons of an abusive alcoholic who left them, found religion and remarried in the same town. The war that sparks between the two sets of sons will shake you, as the redneck world around them sits perfectly still. Incredible and worth watching.

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3. Neo Ned (2006)
Starz InBlack, Tuesday, February 3, 11:40pm
A neo-Nazi lands in the nuthouse and falls in love with an African-American woman who thinks she's the reincarnation of Adolf Hitler. Don't say the makers of Neo Ned didn't try.

2. Mr. Accident (2000)
Showtime Family Zone, Wednesday, February 4, 8pm
I think that with Mr. Accident, about a goofball's attempt to stop an egg factory from injecting its products with nicotine, that this is the last we'll hear from Yahoo Serious. Nothing else needs to be said. Watch him shrivel up on screen.

1. Carnal Knowledge (1971)
Turner Classic Movies, Thursday, February 6, 2:15am
Closing this week with a bang, here's one of the harshest, most bitter movies I can think of: Mike Nichols' two-fisted verbal basher with Jack Nicholson, who's never been more rabid... not even in The Shining. "Ballbusters On Parade" indeed. If you've never seen it, it's time for a correction.

MIGHT AS WELL WATCH THESE TOO:

Mahogany (1975)
Cinemax (WMAX), Wednesday, February 4, 4:10am

Stick (1986)
Cinemax (5STARMAX), Sunday, February 1, 4:50am; Cinemax (OuterMAX), Thursday, February 5, 3:20am

The Killing of a Chinese Bookie (1977)
Sundance Channel, Friday, February 6, 2am

Youth Without Youth (2007)
Starz, Wednesday, February 4, 2:45am

Walking Tall: Lone Justice (2007)
Starz Edge, Wednesday, February 4, 12:50am

Jennifer Aniston Will Only Get White-Collar Naked

2009-01-29 17:32:44

By Kenny Herzog

The rumor runnin' round the old cherry-blossom tree today is that Jennifer Aniston turned down $4 million dollars, with built-in sales incentives to pose for Playboy. Because the Viagranator himself, Hugh Hefner, dug her semi-nude airbrush fest in GQ late last year.

Of course, the news that Hughey missed is that the former Mrs. Brad Pitt will apparently only undress under the naughty guise of faux-sophisticition. Hence the subtly positioned tie around her abusively spray-tanned frame.

And am I the only one who occasionally stares at tabloid covers of America's reigning sweetheart and wonders how we come to romanticize one-time desperate Hollywood scream queens so quickly?

(And as an aside, notice how blatantly that hyper-linked trailer for Leprechaun rips off the promotional campaign for cult classic Evil Dead.)

Elizabeth Hasselbeck To Have Third Demon Spawn

2009-01-29 14:07:01

By Kenny Herzog

How is it that countless wonderful would-be mothers struggle with the ability to conceive life out their uterus, but conservative media monster Elizabeth Hasselbeck has successfully germinated a hat trick of fetuses?

Yep, that's right. As broken by People, the View co-host/poor woman's Ann Coulter and her second-string former pro-quarterback hubby Matt are expecting their third bundle of Republican afterbirth on August 3.

And with its delivery, her plan for right-wing world domination via a litter of left-bashing kin will be complete.

Kim Kardashian Wants To Hug Jessica Simpson's Curves

2009-01-29 13:39:54

By Kenny Herzog

Even though Jessica Simpson is looking more like Selma Bouvier these days, siblings and other celebrities are coming out in droves to embrace all 52 inches of her suddenly expanded waistline. First, we had new-mom Ashlee delivering a less-than-groundbreaking state-of-tabloid-culture address on behalf of her big (no pun intended) sis.

Now, Kim Kardashian is stepping up to the plate, telling People that she thinks Jess looks fab-o-rama and "being super skinny just isn't attractive to me." And surely, not at all taking her publicist's advice that this story is ideal for her to comment on as a fellow full-figured lady, thus keeping her name in the papers as well.

Only difference, Kimbo slice, is you're Armenian, and blessed with a naturally curvacious anatomy that makes sense for your size and proportions. Jess is just a little itty bitto Anglo whose clearly been spending too much time at country cookouts during her current stint as a Nashville wannabe.

Donny Osmond 'Dances' Around The Truth

2009-01-29 12:10:09

By Kenny Herzog

Damnit, Donny! Just when we were ready to crown you with the honor of NCDSUV's favorite Donny of all time over both Monsieurs Wahlberg and Brasco. But no, you had to go parading your filthy, filthy lies all over national television, leading us to report that you had signed on for the upcoming season of Dancing With The Stars. Only to retract your claim mere days later.

Presumably, ABC gave you a bad-boy beatdown over your hasty proclamation, even though you claimed it was an offer you weren't ready to accept at this particular juncture. But oh, how glorious it would have been to follow in your sister Marie's mambo-happy footsteps and appear on the inexplicably popular program. Not since Jose and Ozzie Canseco or, well, Mark and Donnie Wahlberg would their have been such an anticipated sibling thruline in recent pop-culture coincidence.

Puppy love our tuchus. You're in the NCDSUV doghouse now, buddy.