Tyler Perry's Ernest Release, Aniston's Modest Body And Brangelina's Baby Bow: The Top 5 Things We Learned This Week

Posted at 4:00 PM Jan 30, 2009

By Kenny Herzog



The second week of President Barack Obama's (yeaaaaah, it feels good, doesn't it?) tenure in Washington left a few less casualties than usual in Hollywoodland. Unless you count Steven Adler, but his exploits on Sober House were technically filmed a few months back.

It was mostly a week for celebration, as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie unveiled their finest work yet, two nauseatingly adorable children, to the entire graduating class of a Japanese photography school.

But it was also five days of serious social commentary, courtesy of Ashlee Simpson and Kim Kardashian.

So without further drawn-out teasing of content that will ultimately be more succinctly stated than its lead-in, here are the top five things we learned this week:

5. Whether Tyler Perry's films offer something unique for an underserved demographic or actually pandering nonsense is debatable. But what's not up for argument is that someone should raise Jim Varney from the dead and give him some of Medea's royalties.

4. Jennifer Aniston likes to pretend getting naked on the cover of a magazine that sophisticated men jerk off to is somehow more noble than displaying airbrushed areolas for a publication less discreetly aimed at teenage boys and male divorcees. Then, again, what do you expect from a woman who's first major film role was in Leprechaun?
 
3. Brangelina's kids appear to have been blessed with good genes. But not as badass as Hackman's.

2. Hey, listen: It's cool with us if Jessica Simpson's making the rounds at down-south barbecues for her fleeting reinvention as a country singer, and subsequently resembling someone's middle-aged aunt. And we generally prefer our women curvy and as all-natural as soy-protein peanut butter. But all we're sayin' is, she just doesn't loom particularly alluring at the moment, and the weight gain isn't flattering to her figure. Alright there, PR-starved Armenian badonk-goddess Kim Kardashian?

1. Like a world's fastest runner who keeps smashing his own high watermarks, the Rock Of Love franchise continues to raise the bar for the scummiest TV that will somehow pass muster as acceptable, and widely accessible, prime-time content. And for this, perhaps even more than the nation's sudden swing toward a pragmatic and even-handed presidency, we say, "God Bless America."