Posted at 2:21 PM Jan 30, 2009By Andy Beckerman
As that gleaming behemoth Hollywood slouches towards irrelevance, the winds of change must begin to blow in from somewhere. And where better than the so-called blogosphere? Like the polit-o-blog revolution, the great pitches of tomorrow ain't going to flow from the bloated butthole of some Hollywood hack, but rather from the proletariat. So welcome to NCDSUV's newest feature, The Slow Pitch, where we play a little game of would-be screenwriter wish-fulfillment. And viva la revolución!
Gentlemints, today I have an idea for you that's so funbelievable, that's so fuckcredible that you'll be shitting your brains for a millennium. Now, this being tax season and all, I've been having my CPA look over the books. Here's the thing: Did you know that after you ignore all the creative accounting, the only flicks that made bank last year were all those Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer joints? You know, [Blank] Movie, and you can fill in the blank with whatever: Disaster Movie, Epic Movie, Date Movie, Meet The Spartans, uh, Movie. And so on.
When I got the news from the number freak, I flipped my lid collection. But right as I was about to pass out, an idea so monumental came to me that it can only be the product of divine intervention. Or a combination of orgasm and a lack of oxygen. But, you know, either or. And that idea is:
Yes, the ultimate film in the Something Movie franchise; this will be the apotheosis of mocking mimicry... history repeating itself not as farce and tragedy, but as travesty!
Now, you know how the basic formula is to take scenes from other movies out of context, jumble them together and then throw in a farting dog? Well, Parody Movie will take the scenes from Friedberg and Seltzer's celluloid shitstains and then parody them by making them serious. Serious. That's more of a mindfuck than banging a telepathic whore.
But wait, there's more. If you thought that alone was going to Madoff us into riches, you're nothing but a gobsmacked craphole. See, the other day, my dealer made me sit down and watch some dumb pot film with him before he'd sell me a vial of Thai Juice (ladyboy spunk mixed with coke). But wouldn't you know it, this Pineapple Express thing grossed 100 mil worldwide and it was directed by some crableg auteur!
Now, add that into a little barnburner named The Dark Knight with that Christopher Nolan guy, and do you see where I'm saying words? Indie dipshits directing these things is like a license to print an application to secure the rights to an open pit gold mining operation at a mostly depleted South American excavation site.
My Parody Movie is already a cranial scrambler, but when you put Charlie Kaufman at the helm, it'll burn as fiercely as putting IcyHot in your ass. Now who wants to do a spoon of Thai Juice to celebrate?