The Slow Pitch: '25'

Posted at 2:13 PM Jan 23, 2009

By Andy Beckerman



As that gleaming behemoth Hollywood slouches towards irrelevance, the winds of change must begin to blow in from somewhere. And where better than the so-called blogosphere? Like the polit-o-blog revolution, the great pitches of tomorrow ain't going to flow from the bloated butthole of some Hollywood hack, but rather from the proletariat! So welcome to NCDSUV's newest feature, The Slow Pitch, where we play a little game of would-be screenwriter wish-fulfillment. And viva la revolución!

Wakey, wakey, time to makey some kwan, you slugabeds. Yeah, I dunno what that word means either, but my mistress got me one of those vocab calendars and I glanced at it before tossing it in the incinerator. Anyway, I got an idea for you that not just going to fill our coffer's to the overflow. Yeah, like Uncle Scrooge's money bin in Duck Tales. But it's also going to revolutionize movies. Wait, I mean money. It'll revolutionize money. Who gives a shit about movies?

So, I've noticed that show with Donny's son (yeah, Donald Sutherland... Christ, keep up) is getting a lot of column inches lately. Keifer! Ha! Keifer Sutherland! How much pot do you think D.S. smoked before thinking that one up. I remember on the set of S*P*Y*S, him and Elliott Gould used to huff gas just to stay interested in the film. Wait, maybe that was just what I did last week when I was trying to watch it. What a piece of shit.

Where was I? Right. 24.

So here's the thing: I think it's time to import the 24 concept into films, and I have the perfect vehicle to drive it home in. Remember that wretched Spike Lee film The 25 Hour? It was about Ed Norton on his final day before... going to war or... something. Not important. But what is important is that we own the idea and can re-make it as a 25-hour-long film. If that white-haired freak Andy Warhol can do it with some dumbass skyscraper, surely we can make some real bank with a hot property like this.

See, we sell it as an experience. Twenty five hours to go, and I want to be elated! We charge a small admission price by the hour. Then there's an entire day's worth of concessions to think about. Maybe provide a special sleep room for a small fee. This fucker'll add up faster than those prototype computers IBM sold to the Nazis. Fuck! If this doesn't beat The Dark Knight to death, I'll eat a bowl of a-holes.