That Girl Is Poison: The 5 Sluttiest 'Rock Of Love' Cast Members

Posted by Kenneth Herzog at 9:00 AM Jan 06, 2009

By Kenny Herzog

Let's just make one thing abundantly clear before we dive into this list like a lesbian reality show participant planting their face in another femme fatale's birth canal. NCDSUV doesn't just toss around the word "slut" like salad. It's a reductive, derisively loaded descriptor, and it breaks the cardinal rule of human socializing: Don't judge a book by its cover. And on the other side of the coin, it's an expression that many modern-day feminists embrace as a means of self-appointed sexual empowerment.

But when it comes to the ladies from the three seasons of Rock Of Love, featuring our favorite glam-metal fossil Bret Michaels, it's safe to say we can apply the term with all its basest connotations, with little fear of uproar or repercussion, especially after the backlash-clamoring exploits on Rock Of Love Bus.

If anything, it's hard to distinguish one of these soulless, face-sucking fame seekers' tramposity from the others'. So even though Heather was an ex-stripper with the hair-and-fashion sense of a drag queen at New York City's Halloween parade, she exuded enough seasoned self-respect to remain off this lascivious list. And although Rock Of Love Bus newbie Brittaney admitted to a past in pornography, she had a reformed soccer-mom side  that kept her from being raked over this story's critical coals.

So with all that in mind, and with all apologies to the overly sensitive, here are the five absolute sluttiest of all the self-esteem-deprived she-devils who have embarked upon a quest for VH1 stardom and Michaels' momentary affection.   


5. Daisy
Parading around as a true-blue rocker chick straight out of the annals of Poison's "Fallen Angel" lyrics sheet, Ms. De La Hoya is actually the no-doubt-spoiled niece of her world-class-boxing uncle, Oscar. And despite still living with her douchebag deluxe boyfriend Charles, Daisy more than presumably slept with Michaels. During one altercation, she even gloated about supposedly giving him sexual favors to get Heather off her back about the whole multiple lovers fiasco. Daisy might be the angel, but it seems Michaels was the one earning his red wings.

 

4. Gia
This tatted-up Love Bus sex tart may have only lasted one episode, but her too-slutty-for-blurred-out-TV antics (nevermind mention the footage that actually made the cut), most notably depositing a "buttery nipple" test-tube shot inside her cooch for another contestant to swill down her gullet, enshrined her legacy in the Hall Of Whoreitude. And had us all scrambling for unencumbered production footage on file-sharing sites.




3. Megan
Although prissy, pampered, calculatedly ditzy Megan's only nude pics surfaced from relatively legit Playboy shoots (NSFW), Ms. Hauserman's total betrayal of rather evident intelligence for a fast-track to dubious success leaves an ickier taste in one's mouth than any vaginally ejected buttery nipple shot. Adopting the ethos of a back-to-nature nudist colony but articulating it through the vapid values of an attention-starved sorority girl, Megan's shameless parade of barely there bikinis (narrowly covering her hardly apparent white-girl ass) and archetypical manipulative bitchiness would have been perversely less offensive if she'd actually just sucked the guy's dick and gotten it over with. Although good thing Sharon Osbourne's always around to seal her mouth hole in other ways (see the awesomeness below).



2. Brandi M.
It's pretty amazing that a woman who solidified two impressive thirds of the holy trinity of Rock Of Love slutasticness only managed to make runner-up. But fittingly, finishing first place in Rock Of Love Charm School helped cement her evasion of such a dubious anti-honor. That said, Brandi M. is the only entrant on this list with the dual-edged accomplishment of a low-grade porn flick in which she provides an oral examination mid-shower, and some especially raunchy posed shots (mega-NSFW) for a site that deals in amateur facials, and not the kind you try out for free in the alleyways of your local mall (depending on what city you live in).

   

1. Brandi C.
And then there was Brandi C., the epitome of what you imagine valley-bound West Coast porn stars from troubled backgrounds to embody. A bubbly-voiced, hair-bleached, acne-riddled alcoholic who spins endless yarns about her free-spirited embodiment of sex to cover up for a lifetime of dysfunction and depression. But we're sorry honey child, there are plenty of women with liberated sexual attitudes who don't wind up smiling for the camera while they're covered in a strange man's semon (insanely, crazily NSFW) and rolling the taste of another lady's STD-infected orifice around their tongue. Ya know, like Sharon Osbourne.



Click here for the Daily List archive.