'Rock Of Love Bus': Giving VH1 A Vagina Shot In The Arm

Posted at 11:08 AM Jan 05, 2009

By Kenny Herzog



Think about this: There was a time when Bret Michaels and his band Poison would have been too edgy for VH1. You know, back in the '80s, when the network doubled as second home to Michael Bolton and late-period Steve Winwood. But now, his efforts to pursue poontang and pure romance have become the debauched ground zero for their Celebreality empire, as evidenced by the New Year's-ball-dropping-esque countdown ticker for Rock Of Love Bus displayed during the preceding premiere of Confessions Of A Teen Idol (which was kind of awesome and gripping in a Celebrity Rehab sort of way, FYI).

And while the latest seasonal installment in the fake-extensions, bandana-toting, one-time pop-metal superstar's serial opus no doubt garnered ginormous ratings, I fear a backlash may finally ensue.



The inaugural episode centered around an especially transparent, fame-seeking batch of stripper-cum-porn star nitwits. These are women who've observed the editing-room friendly tactics of trailblazers like Heather Chadwell and Brandi M. but brought it down to its cattiest, trampiest, most feral essence. And I, for one, only made it through an hour, mentally checking out with dispirited disgust around the time that Stephanie had the program's first "I want to go home" hissyfit literally several minutes into the bus' journey and DJ Lady Tribe (don't ask) downed a test-tube shot out of Gia's vagina (please, ask). Although the potential metaphorical symbolism of the latter moment, should either of them ever decide to procreate, was sort of priceless.

My greatest admiration goes out to those of you who push ahead with the remaining 875 weeks of the show's run, sticking around to find out who Mr. Michaels selected to help him with his diabetes injections, suffering through the almost unwatchably, voluntarily degrading antics along the way. But I have to confess that even though I'm an avowed reality addict and have seen every frame of the previous two of Rock Of Love entries, for me, the tour stops here.