Hollywood Remakes Suck

Posted at 1:45 PM Jan 08, 2009

By Andy Beckerman



The truth of the matter is, Hollywood (like any corporation) loathes the people who give it money, and therefore condescends to a nation of shits by spoon-feeding them dioxin-laced cat assholes because that's all it thinks they can handle. Chief among this, though not limited to it, is the trend of taking foreign films and remaking them for American audiences, because goddamn, I didn't go to no movie to read no words.

With The Uninvited on the cusp of release (another remake of an Asian horror film), my lungs feel weepy. Not only is David Strathairn--a superb actor and a frequent collaborator of John Sayles'--wasted, but it's just another example of wasted time period. The people making the film, the people watching it, God and his cadre of angels for creating this misbegotten shithole in the first place, etc. Hollywood's infantalization of the movie-going public is short-sighted, as is the leering, drooling focus on short term-fiscal gain, but what the fuck do I know?

Remakes, regardless of their source of origin, exist for two reasons. For one, perhaps the first time around, the film was a bunched of crushed bugs shoved into your face, and therefore it was necessary to try again. The Hulk was like this. Ang Lee's piece of shit deserved to be wiped from our collective memories like that night we got really drunk and ended up sleeping with those robot drapes. Ed Norton's turn added some depth to the character, though I still couldn't give a fillip about some dumbass green giant, and the remake stands stamped with the seal of justification.

But of course, remakes primarily exist to ensure some kind of profit. When art is subservient to cashola, studios need sure bets, and what could be more surer than time-tested properties, drained of all their charm and updated with stars we all know instead of fuckfaces like Gene Wilder and George Segal. I mean really, do we have to sit through well-made films with a bunch of no-name cocksuckers?

Oh, and make sure to come back soon for the remake of this feature.