Films From The Cable Afterlife: 01/30/09-02/05/09

Posted at 9:00 AM Jan 30, 2009

By Doug Mosurock

Here we go with another ridiculous Films From The Cable Afterlife. As usual, we scour the cable movie listings and turn up some diamonds, and lots of the rough. For best results, watch both. Your life may improve!

8. Mystery Of Monster Island (1981)
Fox Movie Channel, Wednesday, February 3, 4am
Unbelievable pile of crap by Juan Piquer Simon, one of the worst directors of the 20th century (he's also responsible for X-rated chainsaw slasher Pieces, MST3K fodder Pod People and K-Tel Films release The Supersonic Man). How a major studio found their way around distributing this one is anybody's guess (a series of blowjobs, perhaps), but you will never see Terence Stamp look more embarrassed. Watch if you dare.




7. DOUBLE FEATURE ALERT
Pumpkin Karver (2006)
The Movie Channel, Saturday, January 31, 12am
Pumpkinhead (1988)
IFC, Saturday, January 31, 1:35am
The stars have aligned: two pumpkin-related horror movies back-to-back on the same night. Different networks, but still, work with me here. Friday Night Lights' Minka Kelly stars in the serial killer/Juggalo-style horror dumper Pumpkin Karver, while Lance Henriksen conjures up a demon to kill bikers in Stan Winston's minor classic Pumpkinhead. It's "Pumpkininny!"




6. Booty Call (1997)
Cinemax (@MAX), Sunday, February 1, 8:05pm; Cinemax (WMAX), Monday, February 2, 6:50pm; Cinemax, Tuesday, February 3, 8:30pm
Boisterous, offensive and couthless, Booty Call is actually one of the funnier comedies of the late '90s, and deserves another look. Jamie Foxx and Vivica A. Fox (playing characters named Bunz and Lysterine, respectively), join Tommy Davidson, a fake Indian guy, a dog that barks "Nigga Please!" in subtitles (and one Gedde Watanabe, willing to take any role no matter the stereotype, saying "Nigga Preese" in a Chinese restaurant), some hilarious orange pants, an incident with Saran Wrap as dental dam and some dude named Ug Lee. There's no one who won't be upset in its 79 minute runtime, but I don't think it'd work any other way. Watch it and pick your jaw up off the floor.




5. Ladies And Gentlemen The Fabulous Stains (1981)
Turner Classic Movies, Saturday, January 31, 2am
I hope that now this one has finally made it onto DVD, and not from some bootleg version that's been duped a thousand times from a Betamax that caught it on Showtime in the '80s, that we can see this legendary unreleased film for what it is: kind of a stinker. Still, there's never been anything like it before or since, and it's a fun time with a message. Teenagers Diane Lane and Laura Dern start a makeshift punk band that lands an opening spot for the fake real punk band The Looters, featuring Sex Pistols Steve Jones and Paul Cook, The Clash's Paul Simonon and fronted by actor Ray Winstone. They create a media circus and have it all collapse on them within days, but it's a good enough time, also starring Fee Waybill from The Tubes and a special (awesome) appearance from Black Randy and the Metrosquad. Join the professionals!



4. Shotgun Stories (2007)
Sundance Channel, Wednesday, February 4, 10pm; Thursday, February 5, 3am
A quiet, powerful indie that stays with you, Shotgun Stories (produced by David Gordon Green), features an intense lead performance from Oscar nominee Michael Shannon, one of America's best actors. Here he plays the oldest of three sons of an abusive alcoholic who left them, found religion and remarried in the same town. The war that sparks between the two sets of sons will shake you, as the redneck world around them sits perfectly still. Incredible and worth watching.