David Cross Sucks

Posted at 1:36 PM Jan 28, 2009

By Andy Beckerman



It is because I am filled with love and gratitude for David Cross that I must savage him like a wild beast tearing apart a carcass. Yes, call me a cruci-verbalist, because I've got some cross words for this actor/comedian. As Freud notes, we must kill the ones we love in order to overcome them. And the ever-watching paternal eye of Cross gazes out at me from the screen as I watch Mr. Show and Arrested Development. Or when I hear the Daniel Stern-like lilt of his voice as it whispers out to me from the Nick-At-Nite reruns of Oliver Beene, the greatest entry in Cross' oeuvre, a shining... wait. What the fuck. Oliver Beene?

OK. Cross has been in a stinker here and there: Alvin And The Chipmunks, School For Scoundrels, She's the Man, Men in Black II, Scary Movie II, Dr. Doolittle 2, Small Soldiers, etc. He's a working actor, and as I've detailed before, unless one is independently wealthy, one takes shit jobs to survive. The problem with Cross isn't so much that he acts in crap, but rather that he's so brutal in his criticism of other Craptors ™. No. That's a terrible portmanteau. It sounds like feces-contaminated dino DNA from Jurassic Park.

Regardless, his attacks on thespiain'ts ™ are famous. However, when seen against the backdrop of his own activities (i.e. acting jobs that help perpetuate an industry churning out terrible films) his arguments end up being diminished. Favorite targets of his have included shit-wizards like Jim Belushi and Larry The Cable Guy, assholes that by the estimation of anyone with a modicum of taste are wretched actors and uncreative, functionally retarded, gobsmacked, Stalin-esque twats.

But what are they doing that's any different than Cross? Their abject ghastliness has more volume and weight to it, but where in the world does anyone get for being a prick and criticizing people for being shitty? Cross really needs to check himself before he fucks himself.