Brody Jenner Sucks

Posted at 4:00 PM Jan 06, 2009

By Kenny Herzog




Brody Jenner is like a multi-headed monster of suck. He's a Medusa of mediocrity with snakes of suckage prowling from outside his skull, swallowing both his pride and pop culture's self-respect whole like a rat inside their slithering skin.

There's the fact that he sucks on the most surface, spoiled-douche socialite level, attaining third-hand notoriety as the son of a famous athlete (Bruce Jenner, although athlete is surely in quotations there), the stepbrother of a sub-Paris Hilton nightlife diva and the carefully cast friend of a "reality" queen, Lauren Conrad of The Hills.

Then there's the magnanimous suckitude of his new MTV show, Bromance, which, fittingly, apes Ms. Hilton's My New BFF but replaces it with uncomfortably homoerotic dudeism. The premiere felt like the opening episode of a Real World season, when everyone parades naked into the hot tub for drinks, high-pitched shrieking and cavorting, except with the girls conspicuously missing an invitation.

 
But of course, the real kick in the ass, and the part that's hardest to confess, is that Jenner sucks a huge fat dick (well, the sentence could have reasonably just ended there) because he's ultimately good looking and charismatic enough to invoke teeming waves of jealously from biologically and circumstantially inferior males. Like myself. And likely any of you actually reading this extended treatise on a silver-spoonfed frat boy who's brazen enough to flaunt his self-importance as the genesis for a competitive television program.

But you know what sucks for you, Mr. Jenner? Unlike the rest of us, you can't spank it to your stepsister Kim... But I bet you do anyway.


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