Tears For Spears: Forecasting 7 Of Britney's Future Birthdays
Posted at 9:00 AM Dec 03, 2008
By Kenny Herzog
As as has been much-lamented on this website, Britney Spears turned 27 this week, and managed to integrate it into a multi-pronged marketing plan for her new album, Circus, which included a less-than-gripping 90-minute MTV documentary.
But anyone who's followed the histories of other troubled child-turned-sort-of-adult celebrities like Danny Bonaduce (or watched a moment of the unrelenting Celebrity Rehab) knows, fame is a magical rollercoaster rode with as many vomit-inducing downward trajectories as slow-building re-entries to the glorious peak. In other words, Britney's got decades of birthdays left to publicly exploit, and we've got a feeling some of them might turn out like this:
December 2, 2009
Fresh off a year-long tour in support of Circus, Britney announces that she met the love of her life while on the road, in the form of one her dancers, a buff baldy named Chris Judd. She quickly annuls the relationship and begins a torrid courtship with Ben Affleck, before marrying Marc Anthony and nearly sabotaging her career with a sub-Scarface biopic... OK, that story's too out there, even by the standards of Hollywood romance.
December 2, 2012
To commemorate the fact that one of her idols, Mariah Carey, was 31 at the time of her TRL meltdown, Britney decides to shock and befuddle the nation by appearing at the MTV Video Music Awards and making out with some old British lady who works out too much while slinging a giant python over a bikini-clad ensemble that looks like something out of Annette Funicello's lingerie collection. Nation thinks it looks familiar, but can't remember anything they saw on MTV beyond 15 minutes ago.
December 2, 2021
Reeling from the critical and commerical disappointment of her 10th record, Oops, I Did It Again, And This Time There's Really Little Apology, Because You Already Reprimanded Me On The Previous Occasion, Britney finally poses for Playboy to prove her vitality. Instead, proves empirically that she'd lost her virginity to Justin Timberlake, if not earlier, thanks to creases around her vagina that were decoded by forensic scientists like rings around the stump of a ficus.
December 2, 2028
Now nearly 50, Britney has remained largely out of the limelight since the shame of her post-Playboy debacle, and was rumored to have ballooned to Kirstie Alley proportions while living hermetically and reaping the profits from her line of department-store clothing, christened Spears, Roebuck And Co.
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December 2, 2029
After getting sued by Sears, Roebuck And Co. and squandering any remaining savings on outpatient support for her troubled, drug-addicted sons, Sean Preston and Jayden (who, coincidentally, were featured in a recent season of Celebrity Rehab), Britney is caught trying to barter black-marketed Alf hand puppets (now worth exponential their original value since actual Melmacians landed on Earth and homogenized into the population) for small doses of oxycontin. Her sentence is filling in as roadie for the 20th international tour featuring castoffs from America's Got Talent.
December 2, 2041
After the redeeming success of a Broadway show based on Britney's life and times (titled Tears For Spears: The Life And Times Of A Girl, Not Yet A Woman, Still Sort Of A Girl), the once-faded starlet is viewed upon with a reverence by a newly nostalgic generation. A la Judy Garland's great latter-life Carnegie Hall performance, Britney stages a one-woman tour that hits mid-size theaters across the globe. Critics call it, "Somewhere between Elaine Stritch's late-period performances, Tina Turner's fiery 2008 world tour and Muppets On Ice."
December 2, 2118
Inspired by old pal Lance Bass' attempt to fly out of the closet and into outer space, Britney takes part in an experiment in 2071 to be cryogenically frozen in a fountain of youth for one decade. Upon her re-emergence, she has reversed her aging process and is restored successfully to "Toxic"-era Britney, and is ready for one final comeback. Unfortunately, on the night of what would theoretically be her 137th birthday (but was now in fact the second-coming of her 23rd), she rekindles her romance with Kevin Federline (who had been entitled to the same procedure as part of a hidden caveat in their pre-nuptial agreement) after a drunken night in Las Vegas, and he manages to impregnante her with the seeds of so many children simultaneously that she implodes like something out of Life Of Brian.
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