Plato Sucks

Posted at 2:15 PM Dec 01, 2008

By Andy Beckerman



Plato is often blamed for getting Western civilization started on the whole extreme rationalism kick we've been on for the past few millennia. You know, where every human is seen as a self-interested, rational actor with no ties to other people. This is of course the elitist view of the world, or as I like to call it, "What assholes who know dick about shit think."

Whether it's fair to hold some dead skeleton accountable for all the ills of Western life is questionable, but there is one think we can call Plato's rotting ass out on: his hatred of entertainment. Yes, folks, if Plato had his way, our cities would be ruled by a cadre of Philosopher-Kings, and all the poets and writers would have been kicked to the curb, assuming the curb is the city limits. And daily conversations would go something like this:

 
Andy: Ahoy there, Callicles, wherefore art thou headed on such an elastic morn?


Callicles: Why are you talking like a Shakespearean actor having a seizure?

 
Andy: Uh...

 
Callicles: I was headed over to the Agora to get some Skittles. You want anything? Some stew?

 
Andy: No, I'm ok. I had stew last week. However, I was wondering if I could ask you something?

 
Callicles: Why did you ask that like a question? Shouldn't it be a statement? "I was wondering if I could ask you something." Anyway, what?

Andy: If you see Plato, can you tell him that I'm going to do a dramatic reading of Homer's Illiad tomorrow and see if he wants to go?

Callicles: That prick? You do not want to invite him to a poetry recital. He fucking hates poetry. Poets, playwrights, reality TV...

Andy: Well, most people hate...

Callicles: No, most people love reality TV. Survivor regularly beats the competition.

Andy: Isn't the competition Smallville? That show's about as interesting as a scab.

Callicles: Touche. The point is, Plato's such an insecure schmuck that he can't stand anyone having more influence over the people than he and the other philosophers. And the rhapsodes that recite poems in the town square command such a large audience.

Andy: Ion did win first prize at the festival of Asclepius...and also tested through the roof with women aged 18-25.

Callicles: I know. His new show on VH1 is going to have more tampon commercials than Dancing With The Stars times General Hospital.

Andy: That's kind of gross.

Callicles: Anyway, didn't you ever read The Republic? Plato's such a wet blanket. He thinks that because art is all about making facsimiles of real life that it's deficient and therefore doesn't carry any real knowledge and should be banned.

Andy: I learned how to love again by watching True Blood.

Callicles: Bill and Sookie?

Andy: Jason and whomever he was banging in that week's episode.

Callicles: Ok. Look, I gotta be frank with you.

Andy: Ok, Frank.

Callicles: I think it really has to do with Aristophanes writing that play about Socrates, The Clouds, you know, where Socrates just sits around farting?

Andy: So because one playwright's a dick, Plato hates on all of them? That's like saying all actors are horrible human beings because of Jim Belushi.

Callicles: Kind of an easy target, no?

Andy: Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse meeeeeeeeee!


Callicles: The point is, Plato theory is as wrong as Milo Ventimiglia and Hayden Panettiere dating.

Andy: You just chastised me for...

Callicles: Shut the fuck up, I'm trying to talk here. What kind of fascist bans all entertainment? Not even those crazy Mormons who mounted the attack against Prop 8 are that insane. Anyway, the point is Plato sucks, and I'm glad no one who studied philosophy will ever be in charge of anything.

Andy: Except nubile co-eds.

Callicles: I said philosophers, pal, not English professors. Callicles out!