Van Damme-nation, Nicole Kidman "Retirement" And Paris Hilton Hyjinks: The Top 5 Things We Learned This Week

Posted at 4:29 PM Nov 21, 2008

By Kenny Herzog

I know, I know: It's cold outside, you're dead broke and the holiday-shopping season six days away, and you forgot what it means to be funny after watching too many episodes of Frank TV.

Have no fear, however: The real-life foibles of celebrities are here. And thanks to everyone from Jean Claude Van Damme to Paris Hilton, the last several days have seen an abundant enough amount of Tinseltown tomfoolery to warm even the blackest of hardened hearts. So as always at this time (or maybe a bit earlier, depending on when our Sanka settles in), here's the top 5 things NCDSUV learned this week:

5. Where was Sean Stewart, son of Rod (doesn't have quite the same ring as Son Of Jor-El, does it?), when Rodney King was beaten mercilessly by LAPD in 1991? Oh, right, opening that week's unnecessary luxury gift as compensation for his dad touring the world and ensuring him a life of comfort and endless opportunity. So how exactly are their situations parallel enough to warrant co-participation in Celebrity Rehab?

4. Sinbad cut his fade-top 'do and stopped dressing like the retarded kid in your sixth grade math class. Talk about losing your sense of humor in your old age.

3. Paris Hilton said Good Riddance to Good Charlotte's Benji Madden, and with it the much-anticipated possibility of her making a vocal cameo on the group's next album for a song titled, "I'm not only willing to put innocent victims through a parade of televised shame for the privilege of being my best friend, but will also date dudes who are ugly and fat so it can serve as a stopgap of credibility until I figure out how to be beloved again for lacking any particular edge or wit."

2. Sure, why wouldn't Nicole Kidman retire? Who could resist the possibility of spending the next four decades with a talentless redneck and constant questions about what you could have accomplished? Isn't that what half of America does?

1. Jean Claude Van Damme's penis is still only marginally bigger than his brain. But man, is his brain huge.