Not Being Heidi And Spencer Sucks

Posted at 3:48 PM Nov 25, 2008

By Kenny Herzog

What, you thought I wasn't going to remark on the "eloped" nuptials between hideous Hills tandem Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt? Does a bear not shit in the woods after it has several extra servings of beef stroganoff? Maybe not, but I bet Spencer took a hot honeymoon dump on his now-wife's chest as part of their voodoo ritual to ensure world domination and waves of resentment amongst recession-impacted Americans.

But fuck it. I think I'd trade in my mundane middle-class existence for at least a day in order to leap from one nest of privilege to the next, ultimately landing in an overwhelmingly underserved position of fame, riches and multi-million-dollar magazine covers.

And ultimately, this gets at the genesis of this Sucks feature in the first place. It's about uprooting the everyman's simmering resentment over celebrity superiority and calling famous folk out on receiving their charmed exsitence and adulation without merit.

But sometimes, regardless of who the specific subject of ire is on a particular day (in this instance Mr. and Mrs. Montag) you just have to give in and admit, "It Sucks being a better, harder-working person than the both of you douchebags put together, and having nothing more worthwhile to do than tangent about your maddening shower of good fortune, while you simply frollick around and enjoy it, protected from the slings and arrows of criticism to such a degree that you're rendered an unsocialized retard who harbors the potential to refer to our new president as 'colored' on national television."

So for all of you who woke up this morning to trod off to your terrible job and read the news of their shotgun wedding, and subsequent sale of its photos to US Weekly, yes, it sucks in an abstract sort of way not to be Heidi and Spencer. But just take solace in the fact that Satan is conducting his own devilish ceremony as we speak to ensure that on one of their upcoming Caribbean retreats, they get swept away by a tsunami and tossed directly into the mouth of a slowly-devouring great white shark. Or at least that their inevitable pitch for a spinoff show gets rejected.