Least Interesting Celebrity Meltdown Of The Month: Joaquin Phoenix

Posted at 2:50 PM Nov 04, 2008

By Kenny Herzog

I suppose it's time to put in my three shekels and a dime on this whole Joaquin Phoenix retirement hullabaloo. And boy, is it a hullabaloo. Only an arrogant, drug-addicted prick whose bloated sense of mystique from Walk The Line rivals only that of his co-star Reese Witherspoon would try and transcend an homage to Paul Newman and, I don't know, the election, with the earth-shattering news of his transition to a different medium. And the unveiling of his best Jim Morrison-meets-Keanu Reeves boy-man beard.

Only a megalomaniac drama queen with low-self esteem and delusional ideas (no doubt supported by whatever weirdo entourage he drags through Hollywood with him) regarding his own concrete creative polarities would tattoo "Good" and "Bye" on his knuckles and then philosophize to the press about converting to musicianship as his definitive creative path. That would be like Bruce Willis passing on Die Hard 3 to pursue artistic sustenance as his alter ego, Bruno.

Just when you think there's a member of Hollywood who seems driven by genuine potential and cultural enrichment, Phoenix serves a a walking reminder of the thin line between innate talent and cultivated egocentric ambition.

Actually, now that I think about it, that makes him a lot like our politicians. Maybe Phoenix fooled us and was stretching out a method-acted Halloween costume as a way of making sly commentary on today's election. Or, maybe he's just jerked off too many times to that scene where plays Johnny Cash singing that song about that stuff to those people.