How To Survive Possible Nicole Kidman Retirement

Posted at 2:40 PM Nov 18, 2008

By Kenny Herzog

I was going to title this post "How I Met Your Mother And Then Survived Nicole Kidman's Retirement," but feared both copyright infringement and the vague Dr. Strangelove allusion going over people's heads. Because apparently that's how highly I think of our readers.

Anyhow, Nicole Kidman isn't actually retiring. That's just a sensationalistic descriptor media outlets are attaching to it on an otherwise slow news day so they have something to lead off their coverage with. In actuality, she merely hinted at a possible hiatus to take care of her growing brood.

Taking the leap and professing the Aussie's impending Hollywood asylum is also a handy-dandy way of packaging together a supposed celebrity trend, to get all the more mileage out of news that doesn't really exist. Or in our case, it allows us to link back to recent articles about folks like Joaquin Phoenix declaring their indefinite detachment from the silver screen.

However, should it be true that the Australia siren is calling it a day to raise her little rapscallions, here's a handful of NCDSUV-approved ways to make it through not just the day, but remainder of your existence with this devastating possibility in mind.

5. Resume masturbating to the scene in Days Of Thunder where she makes love to Tom Cruise, just like you used to do in between episodes of Baywatch, before discovering Internet porn.

4. Visit Australia, the native-land namesake of her new opus co-starring Hugh Jackman. Then try and stop thinking about Hugh Jackman so you can finish masturbating to Days Of Thunder.

3. Begin an unhealthy fascination with other stars from down under, like True Blood star Ryan Kwanten and Nate Fisher's former flame Rachel Griffiths. Then go and surprise your friends with the fact that they're actually Australian, and slowly regain enough self-esteem to begin leaving the house again.

2. Take this as a sign that you should begin looking into the quality of your 401K plan. Then realize you don't have one, recollect that Kidman can even consider permanent retirement in her 40s thanks to her millions of dollars, and wonder why you started reading this article in the first place.

1. Fuck it all. Fuck it all to hell.