The MILF Island/Joe Six-Pack Challenge: 5 Reality Shows That Should Exist

Posted at 9:00 AM Oct 07, 2008

By Kenny Herzog

At this point, the creative nexus behind most reality-show pitches seems to involve the punning potential of a B-level celebrity's name, a racially inflammatory spinoff of a sexist VH1 program, or putting ordinary people in situations with potential for extraordinary humiliation and exploitation. Between the arbitrary fanaticism with which reality entrants get picked up by networks and the inevitable backlash and private guilt their success has incurred among viewers, it seems like there's no concept too absurdly broad or too minutely derivative to fail.

So with that in mind, here's 5 reality shows (one for each night of the week, of course) NCDSUV would like to see buffering the airspace between Project Runway and Bridezillas sometime soon.

5. Olmos Famous
Where has Edward James Olmos, pock-marked star of Stand And Deliver, Selena and, of course, the naked Indian in Wolfen, been these days you ask? No, you don't ask? Well, that's why this would one be airing on TLC during Saturday afternoons. And should a pack of cameras following Olmos' trips to Costco and recollections of working with Phillip Michael Thomas on Miami Vice prove uneventful, the show could always be retooled in a competitive format, with Olmos auditioning young actors to see who's most capable of caring for his cats.

4. Celebrity Euthanasia
Sure, we've seen celebrities battle to lose weight, fight off drug addiction, go through extensive cosmetic transformation, and put on boxing gloves and exchange errant punches. But have we ever seen someone famous slowly succumb to the sweet lovers call that is voluntary rigor mortis? Of course, the show's premise would mitigate the opportunity for popular characters to return in subsequent seasons, but for every Daniel Baldwin, there's a perfectly sufficient William or a Stephen hiding somewhere.

3. Joe Six-Pack
When John McCain finally concedes defeat in the election (what? No one said a pop culture blog has to be politically neutral.),Sarah Palin can always resurrect herself as the host of this surefire hit. It would ostensibly bring the concept of Joe Millionaire to blue-collar Mid-America, as Palin would help the show's titular character find true love amongst a crop of available, down home soccer moms. Because while Joe Six-Pack may be squeamish about small government, he's still got a big heart. Failing that, the VP wannabe could always be a contestant on MILF Island (see below).

2. Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle Royale
Fuck The Island. Time for this show to devolve into only logical endpoint, and just stick these spoiled, money-grubbing, overgrown high school jocks and homecoming queens onto a remote location where the object is simply to survive, a la the classic flick referenced in the suggested subtitle (uninitiated should see the clip below). Oh, and yes, T.J. Lavin would be fair game like everyone else. Because he sucks.

1. MILF Island

Yes, this program already sort-of exists. At least in the meta-referential universe that is 30 Rock. After emerging as part of a second-season subplot and subsequently being referenced in several episodes, Island quickly ascended to the kind of cult, show-within-a-show phenomenon status generally reserved for the likes of Itchy & Scratchy. And like that seminally cynical, satirical updating of old Looney Tunes vignettes, Island succeeds not because of conceptual cleverness, but because of how feasibly it actually could exist. Except chances are in real life, it would be hosted by the MILF Hunter.