Michelle "Hot Mama" Obama, Why 'Goodfellas' Sucks And Closing Duchovny's Sex Files: The Top 5 Things We Learned This Week

Posted at 5:04 PM Oct 10, 2008

By Kenny Herzog

What a week, what a week. I'm personally all verklempt. Between the election race warming up, the economy cooling and down, and celebrities still indulgently frolicking around, it's been tough for NCDSUV to keep its panties unbunched. Or maybe that's just the fabric softener we've been using.

Well, in any case, from fetishizing the Obamas to taking a piss on your favorite movies and DirecTV scaring us with their tasteless Poltergeist ad, here's the top five things we learned this week.

5. The Democrats are taking the totally wrong tactic to counter Sarah Palin. Just highlight Michelle Obama's attributes as a damn fine specimen in her own right. Who doesn't make me want to scoop my eardrums out with a tablespoon. Oh, and her husband ain't no sex-appeal slouch either.

4. You can diss Woody Allen all you want, but try and take Goodfellas down a notch, and people no likey.

3. Somehow, Paris Hilton has managed to not only sully the good name of heiresses everywhere and reinforce blond stereotypes, but now she's taking the gay community and the very concept of substantive friendship down with her into her noxious lair of all things memerizingly loathsome.

2. David Duchovny really did like sex a whole lot, as it turns out, having returned from rehab. Too bad unless he gets a divorce he will likely never, ever get it again.

1. Either DirecTV really thinks they have to try that hard to compete with the Dish Network and Frank Caliendo, or they're just living in a world in which even the most fundamental standards for tact have become up for debate. Although reincarnating Heather O'Rourke for the Poltergeist spot made the ad legitimately scarier than the franchise's third installment.