Sean Connery Sucks

Posted at 2:45 PM Oct 13, 2008

By Andy Beckerman

Before the impertinent howls of the readership grind my ears into envelopes, let's get a few things straight: James Bond is a shitty character, the films are formulaic and boring, and the only redeeming things about the entire franchise are some of Fleming's novels and Goldeneye for the N64. Here's the plot of every Bond film ever made in a nutshell:

1) Big action sequence that probably has nothing to do with the main plot. 2) Theme song written by a lame pop star of the day. 3) Something minorly sinister happens that clues MI6 onto the trail. 4) Bond meets and fucks a woman with a name so sexually subtle as to make Tila Tequila look like Proust. 5) Bond follows a trail of vague clues to various locales. 6) Jane Vagina either betrays or helps him defeat the bad guy. 7) I've never read Proust before, but he seemed like a good author to namecheck.

The point of this being that Sean Connery, the oh-so-venerated Scotsman that everyone seems to revere, is kind of a boring, mediocre actor. Let's be honest here, what are these tough roles in which his understanding of the character and methodical precision help bring life to 150 pages of words? The guy from Highlander? What about The Rock?

Maybe I'm being too harsh though, since he's been around literally forever, and there has to be one role he's inhabited that isn't a shoe filled with poop. And that role is...I don't know. Whatever. Zardoz?

Suck it, Sean.