'Paris Hilton's My New BFF': Even I Have My Limits

Posted at 1:03 PM Oct 07, 2008

By Kenny Herzog

As evidenced by this morning's article about reality shows that should exist, I'm a fairly voracious consumer of the medium. Admitting my addiction to The Hills or I Love Money does nothing to dent my masculinity or sense of good taste.

But dear god, even I have my limits. And threshold, thy name is Paris Hilton. Or more specifically, Paris Hilton's My New BFF. I understand that the winner's not actually competing for a genuine lifetime bond with the heiress but rather an opportunity to leech off the her pseudo-celebrity in future Simple Life-esquecapades. And I realize BFF is arriving at the height (or nadir?) or reality TV's overscriptedness and hyper-edited manipulation. But after two (!) viewings of the season premiere, and subsequently witnessing Paris comment twice over that one of her dutiful competitors is like a "puppy" who "gets a treat," I need at least seven pop-culture showers. Scolding hot, 40-minute long showers.

Anyhow, here's a few prevailing thoughts I've come away after a cumulative 120 minutes of enduring what might finally be reality TV's jump-the-shark moment.

• Loading a show with ragingly flamboyant homosexuals doesn't automatically elevate it beyond critical reproach. Especially when those characters are as deplorably artificial and irritating as this bunch of social-climbing, soul-sucked assholes. BFF might have actually set the cause of gay tolerance back three decades.

• Hey Benji Madden of Good Charlotte. Allowing your song "Lifestyles Of The Rich And Famous" to be used ironically on your girlfriend's reality show doesn't mean you have a sense of humor. It means you're a douchebag whose music never had backbone to begin with.

• For a show that's all about the illusion of superficial perfection, they should tone down the harsh lighting. These girls are all busted. The again, a cast of ugly-hots is probably the idea. Wouldn't want them being better looking than Paris.

• Paris Hilton has no ass. Just sayin'. Who the hell wants to get down with a woman who's got less to grab on to than a trailer owner in the eye of a tornado?

• Have I mentioned that "Heatherette" somehow neutralizes the progressive impact of representing gay culture on mainstream television by dragging viewers into a black hole of mean-spirited vapidness? Even Carson Kressley seems restrained and tactful in comparison.