David Duchovny Finally Done Enjoying Sex

Posted at 3:30 PM Oct 07, 2008

By Kenny Herzog

As you know, if there's one situation we've been tracking as diligently as the world-changing awesomeness that is Sarah Palin, it's the trials and tribulations of David Duchovny's addiction to vagina. Many, many different kinds of vagina.

But we are happy to report (well, actually US magazine was happy to report) that Mr. Duchovny has closed his sex files and is back together with his wife, Tea Leoni, ready to return to a dull life of domesticity and sexual stasis.

By now, we can clearly deduce that it wasn't a calculated conspiracy to coincide with the new season of Californication. So we here at NCDSUV have a few suggestions of how Duchovny can bide his time now that he's out of penetration prison.

• Divorce Leoni and shack up with her Spanglish co-star Cloris Leachman. The Dancing With The Stars octogenarian seemed like a lot more fun than Leoni in that otherwise dull film, and looks like she can still work her way into a reverse cowgirl.

• Start attending fan conventions for Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead. Granted, you had a small, forgettable role, but there's likely less stigma attached to it than your fictional doppleganger on Californication, and the attendees will be way less aggressively nerdy than at one of those X-Files gatherings.

• Start writing a pop culture blog about other people's personal foibles. You get all the vicarious perks of their ups, get to take the piss out of them when they're down, and never have to any accountability to your targets whatsoever. I can't speak from personal experience, but I hear it's quite invigorating. You might say, orgasmic even.