Toastee Sucks

Posted at 4:30 PM Sep 18, 2008

By Kenny Herzog

As alluded to in an earlier post today, I had some thoughts on my favorite television program (besides VH1's Fresh of course), I Love Money.

Well, mostly just one. And I realize this is a bit belated, both in terms of the season being well into lifespan and the most recent episode being a few days old. But hey, sue me if I actually still let some ideas germinate for a while instead of responding to everything in mass culture by the standards of real-time reader gratification. (Love you guys.)

Basically, Toastee sucks. Literally (Very very very NSFW), for one. She might actually be the most uncharismatic character in the history of humankind, nevermind television, scripted or otherwise. And yes, that's taking John McCain into account.

It's actually fascinating that with the number of takes and edits the producers labor over, it's been impossible to coax anything beyond a flat, dull, emotionless monotone from the exposed would-be porn starlet. Excited, happy, sad, mad; she's like a case study on what not to do for an amateur acting class. And it's nearly impossible to believe she's not under the influence of something more significant than an all-girls alliance during filming.

But at least Toastee's vapid, empty, hypnotically uninteresting on-air persona reinforces the relative unscripted nature of the show's results, as she's clearly ratings death and has only survived so many rounds out of presumed competitive will and guile.

However, it also makes me appreciate that the majority of the contestants on these shows are in fact actors, performers or fame-seekers of some kind. Because if genuine reality TV meant a million Toastees less-than-burning up my TV screen every night, I might need to revisit The Big Bang Theory after all.

And for your viewing pleasure, witness the only moment in TV history in which violence against women was almost universally received without so much as a whimper, nevermind an uproar.