Are You There Guide? It's Me, Couch Potato: The Top 5 Hilarious Cable Info-Bar Descriptions Of September
Posted at 9:00 AM Sep 23, 2008
By Kenny Herzog
A few weeks back, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature, which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming.
In that time, we've seen it all, from Bill O'Reilly being re-cast as fair and balanced, to the pinnacle of softcore porn being cast aside as mere masturbatory fodder (for shame).
The latter, in particular, was one of September's most lazily surmised pieces of cable-recycled cinema. And there are four other bizarrely misrepresented gems worthy of joining Pirates as the month's most Hilarious Cable Info-Bar Descriptions Of The Day, making for a collective work week of viewing in need of Guide-ance counseling. And remember to peruse the Info-Bar Archives for all these entries and more, and to keep checking in every day for the tube's latest titling casualty.
5. Teen Wolf
The Actual Story: All subtext is removed from the ongoing use of werewolf films as metaphors for raging hormones and unhinged sexuality, in an attempt to appeal to the wanton lust of subtextless '80s teens.
Cable Info-Bar Synopsis: "A high school student's popularity soars when it is discovered that he is cursed with the mark of the werewolf."
What Their Description Would Have You Believe: That Teen Wolf is a curious incongruity in which a tortured teen is discovered to harbor an ancient bedevilment, but despite this personal turmoil, finds renewed favor amongst his peers. It also fails to mention that he voluntarily "wolfs out" at school and his advanced state of puberty is primarily used as a platform for comic relief.
And while we're at it, enjoy the now-infamous penis-flashing-in-the-bleachers moment from the final scene (technically NSFW, but you're gonna look more like a weirdo than a pervert for watching this):
4. Bikini Pirates
The Actual Story: Young couples follow an ancient diary that professes to lead them to buried treasure. And fuck their brains out.
Cable-Info Bar Synopsis:"Beautiful women shed their clothes."
What Their Description Would Have You Believe: That this late-night landmark merely exists to incite masturbation with five-to-10 scenes of passionate faux-penetration, rather than to cuttingly satirize the long legacy of pirate-themed films. Then again, as imdb.com user TimeNTide point, "It might have worked better if they all had been transported back to the time of the pirates instead of the pirates showing up in the present. But they would have needed a ship (and an even bigger budget)." Touche. Touche.
And in lieu of actual footage from Pirates, please enjoy this insight into the one-of-a-kind mind of the film's director, Fred Olen Ray.
3. Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead
The Actual Story: After their crotchety summer sitter croaks, Christina Applegate fakes her age to work at a fashion-design company and leads her brood of siblings (including the incomparable Keith Coogan) through various hyjinks, all of them heeeelarious.
Cable Info-Bar Synopsis: "With the sitter dead, a Los Angeles teen lands a job in the fashion industry to feed her siblings."
What Their Description Would Have You Believe: That Don't Tell Mom is the inspiring, based-on-true-events story of a young teenager who had it all, but gave it up just as fast to support her ragamuffin brothers and sisters when the only woman designated to watch after them passed suddenly and tragically.
2. Best In Show
The Actual Story: Arguably the finest in Christopher Guest's mockumentary satires, Best In Show follows a redneck, two neurotics, a gay May-December gay couple, two lesbians, and a toothy nerd and his once-promiscuous wife as they strive for first place at the Westminster Kennel Club's annual Dog Show.
Cable Info-Bar Synopsis: "The fur flies at a prestigious Philadelphia dog show."
What Their Description Would Have You Believe: That Best In Show is an underground beastiality porn in which the Westminster Kennel Club hosts illegal canine orgies for profit.
Although, the real thing is arguably funnier than any parody:
1. Mask
The Actual Story: Eric Stoltz plays a smart, functional high schooler born with a grotesquely enhanced cranium who deals with dwindling life expectancy while forging a bond with his wild mother, played by Cher.
Cable Info-Bar Synopsis: "A teen has a wild mother and a misshapen face."
What Their Description Would Have You Believe: That Mask is actually about a murderous adolescent and his no-good mother, who go on a killing spree to seek vengeance against the local boys who disfigured his face.
For a slightly more thoughtful assessment of the film, check out these two living (well, at least in the case of one of them) info bars:
Click here for the Hilarious Cable Info-Bar Archive.
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