Just Another Victim: The Top 10 Most Ridiculously Terrible (And Terribly Ridiculous) Things To Befall Kelly Taylor

Posted at 9:00 AM Sep 09, 2008

By Meredith Blake

Like everyone else, we've been obsessively following the re-emergence of 90210. And we've been particularly excited at Jennie Garth reprising her role as Kelly Taylor, with episode two of her resurrection airing tonight. After all, over the course of 10 seasons of the original Beverly Hills, Kelly was put through a series of personal ordeals worthy of the Book of Job, or at least several dozen Lifetime movies. Always the victim, Kelly had a remarkable affinity for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, at least when stalkers, rapists and illicit substances were involved. Here's a rundown of a mere few, broken down by the incident, when it occurred, the level of tact the show's writers displayed in dealing with it, and overall plausibility:

10. Cokehead Mama
The Incident: Kelly's washed-up model mom falls off the wagon, goes on a massive booze and coke binge and makes a mockery of that most sacred rite, the West Beverly Mother-Daughter Fashion Show.
Season of Revelation: Season 1
Level of Tact: Virtually None. This delightfully campy episode is full of smeared mascara, horrified reaction shots and gawdy outfits straight out of Dynasty.
Plausibility: Reasonable enough for L.A., except for the apparent ease with which Jackie goes to rehab at the end. Anyone who's seen Intervention knows it usually requires a lot more than making your daughter cry.

9. Miscarries Brandon Walsh's Lovechild
The Incident: In an uncharacteristic lapse of moral leadership, Brandon does it with Kelly without a condom. She gets knocked up, then loses the baby.
Season of Revelation: Season 7… on Mother's Day, to boot! (Enjoy here.)
Level of Tact: Moderate. When Kelly tells Brandon about the miscarriage, their conversation varies between the absurdly clinical ("It's an obstruction to the fallopian tubes") and absurdly melodramatic. ("Yesterday, something was alive inside of me. Now it's dead.").
Plausibility: High. This is probably the most normal thing that ever happened to Kelly, even if she was only 22.

8. Loses Virginity To Inconsiderate Date Rapist
The Incident: In the infamous "Slumber Party" episode, the girls play game of "Skeletons in the Closet" and Kelly reveals that an overly aggro football player actually popped her cherry, not Steve.
Season of Revelation: Season 1, when Kelly was still considered the slutty one.
Level of Tact: Hilariously low. "He didn't even bring a blanket."
Plausibility: High, even before Bill and Monica sullied the minds of millions of teenagers. Plus, what self-respecting high school stud would carry a blanket around in his car?

7. Brief Addiction To Diet Pills
The Incident: Fearing that she and Dylan are drifting apart, Kelly resorts to the time-honored tradition of starving herself in order to keep her man (trust me, ladies-it works!). She starts popping diet pills like candy, ultimately passing out in the Peach Pit bathroom.
Season of Revelation: Season 3, otherwise known as, "When the show was still awesome."
Level of Tact: Minimal. Kelly's eating disorder is all but gone in two episodes.
Plausibility: Moderate. It's probably required to have an eating disorder if you grow up in Beverly Hills, although Donna, with her overbearing mother and low self-esteem, always seemed like the more prime candidate.

6. Groped At Halloween Party Because She Was Dressed As A Slut
The Incident: The gang all heads to a frat party for Halloween. Kelly shows up dressed as Goth hooker, and a drunken college student tries to rape her.
Date of Revelation: Season 2, in thick of the Anita Hill-Clarence Thomas imbroglio. Coincidence?
Level of Tact: The lowest of the low. This episode re-enforces the totally '90s idea that chicks dressed as sluts—even on Halloween—are asking for it. Brenda provides the Puritanical voice of judgment: "Did your Mom see you in that outfit? I'm warning you, you're looking for trouble." To which Kelly hilariously replies, "I think I know how to take care of myself by now."
Plausibility: High. I mean, did you see that outfit? She was practically begging for it.

5. Shot In A Drive-By, Then Suffers Amnesia
The Incident: Kelly is shot by an anonymous gangbanger in the parking lot at LAX, then goes through a brief bout of amnesia, almost falling for cheeseball Noah in the process.
Date of Revelation: Season 8, when things really started to go downhill.
Level of Tact: In terms of soap opera plotlines revolving around amnesia, you could do worse.
Plausibility: About as believable as the show's casting.

4. Raped (again), Shoots Rapist
The Incident: Ever the victim, Kelly is raped by a stranger at knifepoint while on her way to rescue Dylan from a drug relapse. The rapist turns out to be a client of Kelly's lawyer boyfriend, and she shoots and kills him when they run into each other at Donna's store.
Season of Revelation: Season 9
Level of Tact: Virtually none. The rape and retaliation are resolved both legally and emotionally within two episodes.
Plausibility: Even for Kelly, this episode really strained believability.

3. Single White Female: The Remake
The Incident: Kelly's rehab buddy, Tara, moves into her beach house, then freaks everyone out by dying and cutting her hair to match Kelly's. She's jealous of Kelly's new relationship, so retaliates by callously overfeeding and thus killing her goldfish. As if that weren't enough, she then kidnaps Kelly and tries to kill them both in a double-suicide by carbon monoxide (even though she has a gun).
Season of Revelation: Season 6
Level of Tact: Delightfully low. Any fictional use of fish homicide as a weapon of psychological terror is okay with us.
Plausibility: Not totally unreasonable. At least according to Wikipedia, women are more likely to stalk other women.

2. Burned In A Fire At A Rave With A Lesbian
The Incident: Steve, scheister that he is, plans a rave at a house with lousy wiring. Guess who gets stuck in the flames?
Season of Revelation: Season 5, which was sort of like Kelly's very own 1968.
Level of Tact: Low. The rave is accidentally swarmed by California University's lesbian population, one of whom is trapped with Kelly and tries to comfort her by saying, "I was a volunteer fire fighter back in Oregon." Said lesbian subsequently falls for Kelly.
Plausibility: Again, low. Lesbians not known for being huge fans of electronica.

1. Joins The People's Temple, er, The New Evolution
The Incident: After nearly dying in the fire, Kelly is emotionally vulnerable and falls into a cult, lead by her crippled psychology professor.
Season of Revelation: Season 5, yet again.
Level of Tact: Pretty low. Kelly sitting in lotus pose is not quite as troubling as the writers would have us believe.
Plausibility: This is Southern California. Kelly's saffron-colored robes and self-help tapes seem pretty reasonable when compared to, say, pledging your loyalty to L. Ron Hubbard for a billion years.