Forgetting Sarah Palin, Or At Least That She's Married

Posted at 4:12 PM Sep 10, 2008

By Kevin Johnston

As I mentioned last week, I am in love with Sarah Palin. I can’t get her off my mind, and it’s getting worse. As a lifelong liberal, it has been a trying time. I should be reveling in the fact that my party has put up one of its most charismatic presidential candidates in decades, but I am distracted. Distracted by the power of Palin.

I admit, at first I was drawn in by her raw sexuality (she was 1994’s Miss Wasilla after all), but now I have seen the true extent of her power. Behind the smile, those sexy suits and those come-hither-glasses lurks a woman who can do anything. Let’s take a look at some of the amazing things she has done since entering the national spotlight:

─She’s given John McCain life! The man who can’t lift his arms above his head has some serious spring in his step. Since Palin resuscitated his campaign, McCain has not only drawn even in the polls, he’s stolen the news cycle from Obama. If McCain wins this election, it’s because of Palin.

─She’s made people believe that McCain is still a maverick. Why? Because she really is still a maverick. While he cozied up to George Bush, she spent her time publishing Alaska’s budget on the Internet and selling her state sanctioned airplane on eBay. I guess my mile-high consummation with the Governor will have to take place on a commercial flight.

─She fired a fucking machine gun! Sure, it didn’t happen in the last two weeks, but there’s no way we would have seen the footage if she didn’t join the McCain ticket. Maybe if McCain was better at firing a machine gun, he wouldn’t have become a P.O.W.

─And yes, in the first week of this long distance relationship, I’ve also learned is that she is married. That’s not going to stop me. I’m sure Mr. Palin is just fine, but you’ll have to forgive me if I don’t trust a father of five who has a goatee. I mean, does this guy want to be SportsCenter anchor? Consider yourself warned Todd Palin. I’ve been moved by your wife’s passion, touched by her words and turned on by her glasses. I’m coming for her and we WILL be together. Don’t worry, I’ll be a good father to your children… even the downsy one.