David Blaine Sucks

Posted at 3:31 PM Sep 25, 2008

By Kenny Herzog

You may remember a week or so ago when I posted an item simply entitled "Toastee Sucks," referring to the recently booted booty-shakin' porn model/cast member of I Love Money. Well, consider this the second installment in what may be yet another recurring NCDSUV feature. The idea being that such-and-such pseudo-celebrity just kind of sucks, and it merely needs to be said.

David Blaine sucks. Observing his antics, on prime time no less, is akin to watching an asshole jock from high school beat you up and then rub it in by climbing a skyscraper like Spider-Man to avoid getting caught by the principal.

Even when the guy gets broadcast hanging upside down for 60 hours over Central Park, he flaunts his arrogance by lamenting some botched bravura ending featuring helium balloons.

Admit it: We're all secretly hoping on one of Blaine's tricks will go disastrously wrong eventually. Not because we're bad people, but because he's so unlikeable our consciences have reconciled the tradeoff of him sustaining serious injury to edify our morbid curiosity.

And because he seems like a prick who uses "magic" on national television to ensure a parade of poontang wherever he goes. God, he sucks.