"Oh, you write humor? Have you ever heard of Tim And Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!"
"So, you say you really love Wonder Showzen, eh? Well, then, I have a show that's even better than that: Tim And Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!"
"What's that? You say repeating information in the form of a question is a tired device for imparting exposition? Well then friend, you have to check out the hottest new show, Tim And Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!. It'll rip your face off with laughter!"
Perhaps my Jewish heritage has constructed me to be a contrarian. Historically, we've always been on the outside looking in, scads of goyische children devouring Easter candy with abandon as we sit quietly in the dark, noshing half-heartedly on a piece of desert-dry matzoh. In kind, perhaps I think Tim and Eric as an adverse reaction to the thousands of times I've been told variations of the above.
Sure, we've been guilty of cheekily referencing stars like Lindsay Lohan as LiLo and even considered kiddingly rechristening Meg Ryan as Meg Ryan, Son Of Jerel.
But we may have even reached our limits of how much cutesy celebrity infantilizing we can take after hearing Ryan Seacrest refer to newly married Scarlett Johansson as "ScarJo" on E! News (please leave all judgments about us watching E! News at 8 a.m. at the door as you take off your shoes, thank you very much).
This is, of course, still pending a reconciliation between Woody Allen and Mia Farrow. And while NCDSUV obviously loves Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel for their comedic bravado, it's a bit difficult to get wrapped up in the E! News-approved gossip whirlwind of their supposed re-arrival as a couple.
It's like being 14 and getting all psyched up that your friend found a porn in his dad's closet, and then the two people fucking are his dad and his mom.
Unless of course his dad and his mom are these two.
Sorry Sarah. We still love you. That's why we're going to help you help get people to vote:
And stay tuned to the site in the coming days for a daily list article on the least erotic celeb couples of all time.
A few weeks back, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature (and compiled September's best last week), which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while yesterday saw Blades Of Glory get turned into a straightforward triumph-of-the-human spirit team-sports flick, today we turn our attention toward the nadir of Diane Keaton's career.
Before Pharrell Williams lent some much-needed street cred to the word “nerd,” it was generally a derogatory term used to classify the Anthony Michael Halls of the world. In real life, they were usually bespectacled, intelligent and paralyzed around the opposite sex in real life. But in television and the movies, fictional nerds challenged those conventions, replacing their pocket protectors with good looks and cute girlfriends. From teenage witches to political pundits, we present the hottest of the bunch.
12. Ronald Miller (Patrick Dempsey), Can’t Buy Me Love
Before he filled the George Clooney-shaped role as TV’s hottest doctor, Patrick Dempsey melted hearts as Ronald Miller, a high school science wiz who buys his way to popularity. Miller’s smoothest move? Saddling his lady onto a lawnmower and riding off into the sunset, leaving a trail of love and petrol fumes behind.
11. Lilith Sternin (Bebe Neuwirth), Cheers
Geeky, undersexed barflys are the reason men become alcoholics. Diane Chambers was cute and everything, but many Boston bachelors would’ve killed to come across someone like Lilith at their neighborhood pub. Stern and icy, she also possessed a raging sex drive that bubbled beneath her conservative surface. Cheers to that!
10. Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report
Like Bill O’Reilly with hair and a sense of humor, Stephen Colbert rants against injustices of Democrats in a made-up language (truthiness?) that only President Bush understands. “Republicans” never looked so suave.
9. Hermione Granger (Emma Watson), The Harry Potter Films
In J.K. Rowling’s literary series, Hermione Granger is a bushy-haired tomboy with sizable chompers. As portrayed by Emma Watson, however, she’s the prettiest magic-spewing bookworm this side of Hogwarts, even if we do feel a bit smarmy for saying so. Harry, you totally missed out on this one.
8. Rod Serling, The Twilight Zone
With his dapper suits and fondness for alternate dimensions, Rod Serling helped redefine the phrase “tall, dark and handsome” for legions of sci-fi loving baby boomers.
7. Jordan Cochran (Michelle Meyrink), Real Genius
She’s smart, hyperkinetic and unafraid to enter a man’s restroom. Real Genius’ traditional heartthrob may have been Val Kilmer, but it was Michelle Meyrink’s adorable performance as Jordan that stole the show. What lunch table did those girls sit at when we were in school?
People often say that punning is the lowest form of humor (in which case I am the human embodiment of its nadir), but impersonations have to rank at least a hearty second. And somehow, we have cascaded down a slippery slope from Rich Little to Frank Caliendo, who's basically Kevin James if the King Of Queens monarch just put on a bunch of wigs and vaguely approximated the manneurisms of people more famous than himself.
It's been easy enough, however, to avoid Caliendo's paralyzingly surface anti-charm. It's a good deal easier to miss Mad TV and its fittingly lame-named spinoff, Frank TV, by accident than make a point of watching them on purpose.
But avoiding the onslaught of his new Dish Network spots, in which he generally lampoons the president (about as current a target for edgy comedy as Pee-Wee Herman jokes), has been a more complex task. And his latest ad (mercilessly embedded above) hits an almost sacrilegious low, as Caliendo articulates the illogic behind regular cable via the personas of Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza. As the latter, Caliendo more or less just gruffly blows steam and stomps around brattily, while his translation of Seinfeld amounts to high-pitched incredulity.
So, in essence, because Caliendo has reduced comedy to its basest capacity for titillation, he's decided to drag two of the most uniquely, subversively neurotic characters in TV history through the mud of non-hilarity with him.
Pardon me for having been in a vacuum the last few days (I couldn't figure out how to work the damn thing and my new Oriental rug really needed a cleaning, so cut me some slack), but am I the only who just recently had their attention drawn to this???
Man, if you're a Vice Presidential candidate and incite a veteran CNN anchor like Jack Cafferty to squander all objectivity to do his part in saving America from what he feels is a calamitous choice at the polls, you've gotta feel less than awesome about yourself. Unless you're Sarah Palin and know you can just take the motherfucker down with a semi-automatic.
Well, I say, you go Cafferty. The partisan battles lines have long since been drawn in oversaturated televised media, but aside from Bill Mahr, few liberal anchors have taken a stand for what they actually believe, when such objectivity seems less principled these days than naive and counterproductive.
But mostly, this clip captured Palin in a moment of uncensored cluelessness that felt too eerily similar to a certain someone who's buffoonery has made us a global joke and cost millions of lives over the last eight years. And of course I'm talking about Uwe Boll.
You don't mess with a man who's spent 90 fictional minutes inside the manically gyrating body of Martin Short. Or a bunch of other women while he's been cheating on you.
Meg Ryan should have realized this before vomiting up the creepy, unnecessary private insights surrounding her ancient-news divorce to Dennis Quaid, ostensibly using national media sympathy as a glorified therapist's couch.
Personally, when I'm depressed I sit around on my computer and blog about other celebrities. Heather Locklear, though, apparently likes to block lanes in the highway and cry until her mugshot makeup is smudged (just once, I'd love to see a celebrity be cognizent of the impending public dispensing of their mugshot and keep it together).
The one-time perpetual Melrose Place special guest star, 47, was busted over the weekend for apparently driving under the influence, most likely of prescription drugs. Drugs she presumably ingests to control her well-publicized anxiety and depression. Which actually made me feel kind of bad.
But them I mostly felt scorn for the individual who reported her as leaving a parking lot and "driving erratically" to the police. Can't people just mind their own business? You don't see me calling the police every time I see someone wielding a knife in the street or mugging old ladies of marble rye.
Seriously though, that supposed Good Samaritan was likely more excited about leaking a celeb sighting than protecting other civilians. Which is what I'm here for. So back off, said Samaritan.
A few weeks back, NCDSUV debuted its newest daily feature (and compiled September's best last week), which takes aim at the most confounding, misleading or abruptly hysterical info-bar synopses of the day's cable programming. And while Friday saw Naked Gun get recast as some kind of Clint Eastwood detective thriller, today we turn to another spoof, of the more contemporary Will Ferrell variety.
