The Press Loves Jessica Biel's Lady Bumps

Posted at 2:00 PM Aug 28, 2008

By Kenny Herzog

After Jessica Biel made the grave mistake of wearing a billowy summer dress on a recent weekday evening, the press has been rampantly circulating rumors regarding a possible Justin Timberlake-conceived love child (what, more reactions to the reactions to the reactions about the Lindsay Lohan/Sam Ronson vs. Michael Lohan feud weren’t enough to keep their sensationalistic meters running?).

This, of course, leads me to the much larger, more important discussion of the “baby bump.” Celebrity offspring are going to be damaged enough without looking back at a scrapbook of tabloid articles fetishizing their impending birth as if it were their parents’ newest buzzed-about designer accessory. To me, a baby bump could refer to a number of possible things: inadvertently poking the child in utero during intercourse, the foreskin-less stub that is a post-circumcision penis, or perhaps a minor tumor that has yet to entirely overtake an organ. But it seems unfair to extend the humanity we’ve stripped from fully grown celebrities to their unwitting children-in-waiting.

My suggestion? If Biel is in fact bloated with Justin’s egg-fortifying fuck juice, let’s refer to her expanded waistline as her “wellspring of all that is graced with preternatural physical appeal.” Eh, I guess that won’t really apply as believably if the child were being carried by, say, Nicole Richie (NSFW). Baby bump it is then. I digress.