Hey Jacko: Here’s Wishing You A 69 On Your 50th, As Long As They're 18

Posted at 4:14 PM Aug 29, 2008

By Kenny Herzog

If you’re a child of the ’80s, you eventually developed a sense that you’d gauge your own aging against the deterioration of mega-celebs like Madonna and DeNiro into a withered, elderly state. Or, in the case of Michael Jackson, their transformation into a petrifying (and petrified) middle ground between Skeletor and Sean Patrick Flannery in Powder (a movie, coincidentally or not, directed by a convicted pedophile).

Yes, the Wacko one himself is now a half-century old, having improbably entertained roughly four generations of fans and overcompensated for his lost childhood with a perversely suspended adolescence. And according to an interview with Good Morning America, he’s been spending it the way any hideously disfigured, psychologically traumatized, twice-divorced father of three would: having cake with his kids and watching cartoons─on the site of several alleged incidents of child molestation.

But Michael, in all seriousness, happy 50th. You’ve sacrificed your own sanity to be a human barometer for other peoples’ nostalgia, in lieu of them discovering any true happiness or meaning in their lives. Have fun. Celebrate. Just go easy on the Jesus juice.